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Incredibly Dangerous Children’s Activities That Aren’t Really Dangerous

Wiffle Ball Unsafe?

Well, the state of NY has officially made sure that the children of the future will be soft-skinned, doughy pussies. Lawn darts used to be the only kids activity on the “too dangerous” list (and probably rightfully so), but now NY state has added a handful of totally safe activities to that list.

Basically, the NY health department is creating a list of risky activities so they can classify programs that include those activities as “Summer Camps”. That puts them under a different set of regulations than say, an after school youth activity program. But good intentions aside, kids need to learn how to get hurt or we’re never going to take over the world.

From the NY Daily News:

The Health Department created a list of supposedly risky recreational activities – which also includes more perilous pursuits like archery, scuba and horseback riding – in response to a state law passed in 2009.
The law sought to close a loophole that legislators said allowed too many indoor camp programs to operate without oversight.
Under the new rules, any program that offers two or more organized recreational activities – with at least one of them on the risky list – is deemed a summer camp and subject to state regulation.

So what are those unsafe activities?

Wiffle Ball

You know, that intensely dangerous sport with the pliable plastic ball that can’t move any faster than maybe 35 miles an hour? Ok, the bat I’ll give you some leeway with, but even that will only cause injury if the person inflicting it is truly committed, and the victim is really weak, and possibly passed out face down.

Kickball

Kickball, you know, that sport that even fat people are good at? It’s dangerous. All that movement, that soft rubber ball that gets gingerly rolled down across the plate. Ok, you can throw it at people, and I guess that’s dangerous, but I feel like a good kickball injury with a story behind it can turn a boring child into an interesting adult.

Dodgeball

Here’s an obvious one. We know it’s dangerous, and it makes skinny nerds feel like shit, but protecting your children from angry jocks with rocket arms is no way to prepare them for the future. The adult world is full of shitty metaphorical jocks with rocket arms. It may even be safe to say that a mean spirited game of dodgeball is a metaphor for adulthood in general. Why rob children of that experience early on?

Capture The Flag

Not dangerous at all, unless it’s played with guns. But that’s just called “war”.

Steal The Bacon

This is that game where you place an object in the middle of a field, and you put a line of kids on either side. Each kid gets a number, then a ref calls out a number, the two kids come from opposing sides and make an attempt to grab the “bacon” and return to their side without getting tagged… This game is so safe, it sounds boring. There’s a direct correlation between the real danger level of a game and how fun it is to play. For example, Russian Roulette. Incredibly dangerous, but probably the most fun you’ll ever have, assuming everyone lives.

Red Rover

File this one under boring and pointless as well. I could see the potential for a lot of dislocated shoulders in this game, but again, what a great story that’d make!

So if these games are all considered dangerous, then what’s considered safe? To name a few, frisbee, sack races and tug of war.

Huh? Frisbee? Ok, if you can play it stoned, then it’s safe. But sack races and tug of war? Sack races involve bound legs and lumpy ground. And tug of war may not hurt you physically, but it definitely singles out the weak kids and the fat kids; fat kids get placed in the “anchor” position, and weak kids get closest to the flag.

In conclusion, what we’re saying is, learn how to take a hit kids, it’ll help you in the long run.

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