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Inner Monologue of a Sperm Donor

Okay, this is easy.  All I have to do is jerk off into a little plastic cup.  That’s easy. I jerk off into an old t-shirt three times a day. This is no problem. Why am I so nervous? Is there a camera in here? I’d better just make sure. I’d hate to come across a youtube video in a few weeks of me trying really hard to jerk off and then not being able to.  That would suck.  Then when I went out places, people would be like, "Hey, it’s the tryin’ to jerk off guy!".  Nobody wants to be known as the tryin’ to jerk off guy.  Okay, I don’t see any cameras.  That mirror looks a little suspicious, though.
Let’s just get this over with.  Okay, I just have to think of something hot and sexy.  They’ve got some porn magazines here.  That might help.  Let’s see here: Playboy? No. Nobody jerks off to Playboy. That’s a gentleman’s magazine.  Hustler? That’s more like it.  Hmm. I don’t think there are any Asian chicks in this one, though. 
Aw, dammit. Now I’m just thinking about all the other dudes who have jerked off in this exact room to this exact magazine.  Goodbye, little bit of a boner that I was starting to work up. Okay, c’mon! I just have to focus.  God dammit. Now I’m all self-conscious about it.  It’s probably because I’m hungry.  That’s the whole reason why I’m here in the first place.  I just hope I have $40 sperm, and not $15 sperm.  I need this money to eat for a week, not a day.  Dammit. Now I’m thinking about my financial situation.  That kills boners like John Malkovich kills bunny rabbits. 

Alright, I’ll just have to think about something else.  Well, I didn’t want to do this, but I’m gonna have to dip into ex-girlfriend memories.  I have a couple of go-to ex-girlfriend memories that I know will work…in a normal situation.  This is not a normal situation, though.  I’m normally not in an ice cold closet sitting on a stiff, paper-covered bed-thing being lovingly aroused by the sound of a crowded doctor’s office waiting room just outside the door.  Oh, shit! I almost forgot! I have a secret weapon!
Okay, Iphone. Don’t let me down.  As long as I get reception in this jerk off closet, I’ll be fine.  Yes! They have a wi-fi network.  That’s perfect.  Okay, I’ll just pull up some Youjizz and find something that I know will work in a hurry.  Maybe that clip that I used in the bathroom during the Halloween party I went to at that chick’s house.  The one with the—
What the f*ck is this?!!!  I have to enter a password to get to porn at the jerk off clinic?!  There’s f*cking porn on the table right next to me!  GOD DAMMIT.  Well, I can’t go out there and ask them what the password is.  Then they’re gonna know that I’m trying to use the wifi to get to porn, and they’ll know that I’m having trouble, and that their normal stupid shit porn isn’t enough to get me going.  There’s no way I can walk into that crowded waiting room with that kind of request.  That’ll be way to embarassing. If I’ve learned anything from watching gang bang porn, it’s that there’s nothing worse than having a bunch of dudes waiting for you to jerk off and not being able to rise to the occasion.  No way.  All of those awesome people out there would think I’m a total loser.
Oh, god. The old fat nurse is banging on the door, asking me if everything is okay.  How embarassing.  Now everyone in the lobby knows that——wait a minute.  What the f*ck is going on? Am I developing a boner? No, it can’t be…the old fat nurse?! Really?  I don’t know exactly how to feel about that.  Under any other circumstances, I would actively supress this old fat lady-inspired boner just on principle.  However, these are extreme circumstances.  I just want to get the f*ck out of here.  I think the rule is that it’s okay to jerk off to the voice of an old fat lady, as long as it’s for medical purposes.  I’m gonna roll with this, and I’ll be eating a delicious meal at Boston Market before I can even say—–what?! It takes three weeks to get money from this?!  Aw, SHITF*CK! Well, looks like I’ll be having the usual for dinner tonight.

11 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Sperm Donor"

  1. Fafa Fappie says:

    Hey Hot Sauce, try pouring some in your dickhole.

  2. Andy says:

    Comment of the fucking century!!!

  3. Schlep says:

    Hey Andy, if that impressed you, you should see my little dick.

    You a chick, right?

  4. Hot Sauce says:

    The person below (and above) deserve a face full of cum. And that’s a fact.

  5. s3xt0y says:

    lol wow i agree with hot sauce

  6. Pugin says:

    he doesnt have money to eat but has money for a fuckin ipod?cmon HT you can do better

  7. Schlep says:

    Nice fail, Gramps.

  8. Panna says:


  9. Pate says:

    it’s a 9 buck iPhone Bundle…

  10. Anonymousssssss says:

    Its a freaking iPhone. it doesn’t need wi-fi for porn!

    I’m just going with FAIL on that one.

  11. Anonymously making your day worse says:

    first. woo.