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Inner Monologue of a 17-Year Old at a Strip Club

Holy shit. I can’t believe I got into this strip club.  This fake ID totally worked!  It doesn’t make any sense: it didn’t work at the 7-11 an hour ago when I tried to buy a can of Foster’s.  It must be the lighting in here.  I probably got one of those fake ID’s that only works under black light.  That’s cool, though;  as long as I can use it to get into strip clubs for the next nine months, it was well-worth the $200 I paid for it.  Okay, now that I’m inside, I’ve got to stay cool.  They can probably still kick me out if they discover that I’m only 17 and 3 months old.  Just be casual.Act like this is the thousandth time that you’ve been in a strip club, and tits tits tits tits tits.  Holy shit. Tits.  There are tits right there in front of me.  This place is amazing.  I know that’s what happens in strip clubs, but seeing it first-hand…it’s breathtaking.  Those tits are glittery, too!  I bet they smell like cucumber-melon.  Oh man, there’s some more tits over there, too!  Everywhere I look, there are titties!  How late does this place stay open?  Can I stay here forever?
 
 
There’s a hot cocktail waitress coming around.  Should I ask to see her tits?  Maybe I shouldn’t.  I don’t know if it’s acceptable.  If I see her show her tits to someone else, then I’ll ask, but not until then.  For now, I’ll just be casual and play it cool.  I’ll probably have to order a drink from her.  What should I order? They probably don’t have Natty Ice here.  I guess I should go with some kind of sophisticated mixed drink.  I’m not used to those.  I don’t really know what anything is.  Shit, the waitress is almost over here.  Okay, don’t panic.  Just think for a second.  I just need to remember the name of one mixed drink.  That’s it.  Dammit, with all these titties around here, it’s hard to remember anything except how great that pair of titties that I just saw was.  Speaking of titties, that stripper on stage has a nice rack.  What did the creepy DJ guy say her name was?  I think it was Mary.  It was either Mary or Ecstasy, I can’t remember which one.  Oh!  Bloody Mary!  That’s a kind of drink, right?  Yeah, that’s what I’ll order.  Yes!  Thank you, Mary or Ecstasy, whatever your name is.  Yeah, Bloody Mary.  That’s totally something that a sophisticated, strip club-experienced, over-seventeen year old would drink.  C’mon cocktail waitress, I’m ready for you!
 
 

Damn. 18 f*ckin’ dollars for a Bloody Mary.  I’m such an idiot.  Bloody Mary’s are probably the most expensive mixed drink you can order.  Whatever.  I wonder why she asked me if I knew that it was night time.  Of course I know that!  What a weirdo.  She’s probably on drugs or something.  I heard that a lot of strippers are tits tits tits tits.  Holy f*ck.  Perfect tits coming right this way.  God damn, that stripper is hot as hell.  She’s super glittery, too.  She’s glittered to impress tonight.  Oh my god, she’s looking right at me.  She’s coming over here.  Shit, shit, shit!  What the f*ck do I do?!  Okay, play it cool.  Act casual.  Maybe I should try to make my voice a little deeper, so I seem more mature.  Okay, she’s sitting on my lap now.  This is good.  This is very good. She smells like Fruit Snacks.  OH MY GOD.  Is she serious?!  Of course I want a f*cking lap dance!  Who would say no to a lap dance from a Fruit Snack-scented stripper?!  This is the best night of my life!
 
 
Hmm.  I definitely feel a boner coming on.  Do other people in here have boners?  Shit, now I’m looking at other dude’s crotches and trying to see if they have a boner while there’s a hot Fruit Snack stripper straddling me.  I’m gonna assume that boners are okay here.  It’s a strip club.  This place probably hosts more boners than a Growing Pains-themed Cosplay Convention.  Man, Fruit Snack’s tits are kinda sweaty.  I think she has some pretty severe scars, too.  I couldn’t really see them from two feet away, but now that her tits are literally in my face, they’re pretty gnarled.  They look like two whale carcasses humping each other.  Eh, whatever.  At least I’m getting a boner out of it.  Speaking of boners, this one seems about ready to unload.  They probably frown on ejaculating in your pants here.  F*ck!  I knew I should’ve jerked off before I came here!  Okay, just try to think of something non-arousing.  Traffic school.  The older sister from Life Goes On.  That smell you get when you don’t run the garbage disposal for a long tits, and then when you finally run it, the drain tits all of this tits up into the tits and tits tits tits in your face. 
 
 
F*ck.  It’s impossible to think of something non-arousing when a Fruit Snack-scented ass is rubbing your junk.  Don’t panic.  It’ll be fine.  All you have to do is not blow a load in your…………shit.  I just blew a load in my pants.  A pretty substantial one, too.  Maybe Fruit Snack didn’t notice.  Nope, she noticed.  Yeah, the bouncer’s coming over now.  I’m getting dragged out of this place for sure.  I guess I’ll just have to get that $18 Bloody Mary to go.
 

106 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a 17-Year Old at a Strip Club"

  1. mr obvious says:

    what year is this 1991? growing pains and life goes on, really? i would be willing to bet two $18 strip club bloody marys that 90% of 17 year olds today have not heard of either of those shows. why not use mamas family and newhart?

  2. Ranga says:

    LOL

  3. kevinbenjamin says:

    kevinandwetandbenjamineyebonwandblcksexhotandwetdoyouwetmymane

  4. Gabriel says:

    Yeah, it was kinda tits…

  5. Ariel says:

    not as funny as these letters! (dude has lost his mind)

  6. Brandi says:

    Oh, I was assuming Mr.White was from Summer camp when the creepy male Councillor blew a load on his face…That’s how I got the nickname Ms.White

  7. ragingsquism says:

    HA HA HA that was great!

  8. 1971 clatters says:

    which is exactly how you get the name Mr. white in the first place.

  9. Philosogay says:

    You you fairy f*ck….

  10. Philosogay says:

    WTF is mamas family and newhart?
    Those shows sounds gayer than Philosopher if he was blowing a chipendales strippers c*ck..

  11. JJ says:

    Do some people actually believe that women are worse than men? That is absurd crap put forth by a full of shit media. There are strips clubs with women stripping everywhere. Men can hardly make any money at it. That’s why they have to travel around. Amazing how easily some people can be brainwashed. Actually more women probably like watching women strip than men.

  12. Mz. Klassy Ass Azn says:

    Women are definitely worse! We don’t have to worry about hiding a full on boner when we see something that turns us on. That’s why most guys don’t know how freaky most of us truly are!

  13. MrWhite says:

    Lame, and who blows load in a strip club :| What a loser.

  14. Brian says:

    Wow ohdear you are a moron, can you read? All the recent studies say that women are worse than men just better at hiding it. And I agree with the above statement, chippendales, ever been to one? I worked as a bouncer at one and the women are WAY worse than men. so STFU!!

  15. Alysia says:

    I Hav to say this was funnier than fck…and as a girl, I now get the whole tits thing…it’s not the girl the tits…but I would imagine if she’s hot that’s more than an added bone-us…;)

  16. justin says:
    Who said this was supposed to have taken place today? 
  17. marty says:

    bloody mary’s are poof drinks, how about you grow a set barbara

  18. Collin says:

    I always have to hear about drinking bloody mary’s its my favorite drink. Trick of it is the vegetable juice really helps you to avoid a hangover.

  19. Ariel says:

    sorry, meant to link to http://www.techcrunk.com

  20. a gril says:

    You bet your ass we’re crazy. Crazy for cookin steaks

  21. cookiecool says:

    May every Jack has his Jill. Still Don’t have a date?
    ___ ^_^Muslimchatting.com^_^____
    There are Over millions of profiles from all over the world!
    You can get their pictures, phone numbers, locations, and almost any information.Everything is FREE!

  22. Bah says:

    stfu

  23. NIMBUS says:

    really ohdear? i think you should watch true blood or twilight panels on comic con. grils are crazier than little boys.

  24. ohdear says:

    Little boys are so pathetic. Never in a million years would any girl be so obsessed about seeing naked dudes. Well, that’s probably because dudes look downright stupid naked. Unless they are Orlando Bloom or his lookalike.

  25. Richard says:

    Love the writing. This would make a kick-ass college application essay!

  26. Mike Titson says:

    Haha, pretty funny. Not sure where he got the pictures from but I know the two girls in the middle very well from college. Lol

  27. Bucharest's mimosa says:

    you mean you jacked off to that picture??

  28. Philosogay says:

    Someone who’s name is MrWhite…..That’s who…

  29. supermanlymangunowner says:

    his name is collin….i mean really , what did you expect

  30. Joe says:

    Ever heard of Chippendales?

  31. Spaghett says:

    Women don’t need to go to a club to get the opposite sex to strip. That’s why.

  32. Jokerz says:

    this is fucking hilarious…~

  33. Ball Gobler says:

    Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong
    to a “who has more testicles
    contest.” Chuck Norris won by 5.

  34. bastardfins says:

    why are women talking?

  35. Rambo says:

    does any1 know what play or book this monolouge is from?

  36. Bob Fairlane says:

    I was looking at the hot chick picture of the day and someone sent me the thing about Chilis chicks , so I clicked this and thought it would be about a 1[7 yo g in the strip club lol.

  37. Cherry says:

    Hi I’m Cherry please call me at 780 240-5926, I love to chat!!

  38. anonym(ous) says:

    That’s because the girl is in the kitchen where she belongs.

  39. green closet says:

    fruity spax

  40. reapper says:

    sexy and foxy looking gils do they need something fuk with

  41. reapper says:

    really what is it

  42. Captin Hands says:

    That sounds like a great night! He was probably on his way out once he was done anyway! -

  43. Woody Johnson says:

    Should have had a Slow Comfortable Screw except that would have lasted 5 ticks and you woulda still got kicked out. What a Zombie!

  44. ME MYSELF AND I says:

    Wanda Sykes put the difference between men’s and women’s feelings about sex best.
    Men say, “We Gotta’ make more people, we gotta’ make more people!”
    Women say, “Wait a minute! Who’s gonna’ take care of all these people?”

  45. Barney says:

    way to go… if you got it flaunt it yeah xxxx

  46. a real stripper says:

    depending on the club you goto depends on how the men act and what’s aloud to happen.. i’ve been to probly 10 clubs in 4 years cuz most the time i can’t get along with backstabbing girls that work there, so if your a guy and you think you have it bad in a strip club, think of it this way… some girls make you break the rules to get your money, get you kicked out and move on to the next sucker! i have never done that, but i’ve seen other girls to it..

    i’m more for a pole trick than a dollar dance next to the stage.

  47. a real stripper says:

    me too… lol.. i’ve seen underage guys in a club, but it’s aloud

  48. fffeistyhannnah says:

    bottom line: women are hot, men are….okay.

  49. taylor says:

    well, im not sure about seein naked men, but i know every girl enjoys seeing a buff,tan, shirtless guy, unless theyre on the other side of the fence, of course.

  50. Whydona Blowme says:

    tl/dr

  51. Jesse Mischner says:

    haha i still remember my first time at christie’s in scottsdale, az. i left that place with like 3 hundie less

  52. KingKongWentToHongKongToPlayPingPongWithHisDingDong says:

    TEE ELL/DEE ARE

  53. Will says:

    One of my first experiences at a strip club happened when I was 18. Me and a friend hit a strip club in Charleston IL called Panther’s. We started talking to these 2 strippers. 1 was in her late teens/early 20′s and the other was in her late 30′s/early 40′s. They said that they were mother and daughter. They offered to take both of us to the back room for $20 each.

    The things those two did to each other would make a mother blush (and the one that said she was the mother, actually did blush). After the younger girl came, the bouncer started getting a little antsy so the show ended before the mom finished.

  54. Lol says:

    Are you kidding? tldr?! that was nothing of a tldr

  55. ohyeah says:

    so you met the two honest strippers in all the land

  56. Fuck says:

    agreed tl/dr

  57. Joe says:

    Yea, not tldr.

    I think you need reading lessons.

  58. iHaveAD says:

    i agree. tl…is it tuesday?…my toe hurts

  59. ergwe says:

    cool story bro tl/dr

  60. supermanlymangunowner says:

    ive seen a lot of ridiculous internet abbreviations and the one for “too long didnt read” is by far the lamest. it reminds me of the kid from middle school that made you want to rip off his glasses and repeatedly slam his head into the brick wall in the hallway. why the fuck are you gonna comment if you didnt read it anyway. lollerskates omg lmao tmi brb , gtfoyh (get the fuck out of your house) FAKE, PHOTOSHOPPED. im sure you didnt say Tl/DR to the 6th harry potter book you fuckin anus bees.

    (and than here comes some funny guy replying to this with “tl/dr”

  61. Anus Bees says:

    tl/dr

  62. dsabg says:

    4 chan is for sheeple.

  63. dsabg says:

    poster #3 is a queer

  64. Supermanlyfan says:

    Supermanlyman. Thank you for ruling.

    And Anus Bees follow-up?
    Well played, sir.

  65. Anony says:

    I need to know where this place is. Please.

  66. JimmyC says:

    I like “PTYSAPDTH” – translation: Please Take Your Silly Assed problem Down The Hall” but that’s difficult to do with a wet crotch, right?

    And HEY! Where the hall is Charleston IL? I gotta find Panthers!

  67. Smokey says:

    sounded more like the mind of a 13yr old

  68. silence says:

    What’s the difference?

  69. JIG says:

    Ha, she should’ve asked him if he was 65 or from connecticut

  70. stevo says:

    that boy needs therapy (purely psychosematic)

  71. MorningDrunk says:

    A Bloody Mary is a drink for the morning.

  72. Alfred Nonymous says:

    I’m sorry if this is extremely obvious, but I didn’t get the part where the waitress asks him if he knows it’s night time. What does that mean? (Other than the fact that that boy needs therapy)

  73. TheDude says:

    lie down on the couch…what does that mean?

  74. You're a nut! says:

    You’re crazy in the coconut!

  75. Bob Fairlane says:

    A bloody mary is a crappy drink that you would resort to only to cope with a hangover. They charged him $18 for not ordering a bottled beer or something on tap, and for being a 17yo skating by on a fake id.

  76. kevinbenjamin says:

    andkevinandbenjaminandeyebownandhome609lafayettest2379518and

  77. OH AND FTW!!! says:

    FTW MO FO!

  78. Mudbutt says:

    oh and fail

  79. Apexs says:

    AHAHAHAHAHHAHA Bloody Mary to go

  80. Apexs says:

    oh and first

  81. migel says:

    ho que buena estan quiero ber mas
    de esto

  82. Anonymous-porno says:

    Te gusta mi cuerpo sexi?

  83. firsty mcfirsterson says:

    … first.

  84. Anonymous6516321 says:

    chupa me la pinga ustedes!!! Lmao

  85. denzel says:

    do you have a boyfriend

  86. philosopher. says:

    Funny but wrong.
    The inner monologue of a 17 year old at a strip club is “OMFG!” repeated over and over.

  87. Fuck says:

    that was funny

  88. MakeupBrush says:

    Bahaha.

    I’ve had underage friends tell me what it was like with their first strip club.

    And this story is spot-on.

  89. supermanlymangunowner says:

    ……..you would have underage friends, pedophile

  90. anonomous says:

    supermanlyassfucker ur a little bitch i just know it!

  91. supermanlycocktamer says:

    I have proof he’s a little bitch. Last night he begged me to cram it up his ass.

  92. idiot says:

    …says the one who’s name has “cock tamer” in it.

  93. superidiotdoesn'tgetit says:

    …says the fucking moron who doesn’t understand that I was making fun of the little bitch’s name. You’re probably supermanlygunowner trying to make yourself seem like you have friends. Go take a hike, bitch…and tell your mom I said Hi.

  94. akirana says:

    i want that girl

  95. Ahad says:

    hi h r u?your name? what do u do?

  96. your mom's ass says:

    whale carcasses humping each other
    hahah EPIC and true

  97. Michaelis*¬* says:

    ………….I don’t think you can stick a dildo ‘up’ a muscle

  98. your mom's whowhodilly says:

    dont laugh at that whale joke, your mom works hard to buy you all video games and dildos to stick up your sphincter

  99. Fuck says:

    ahahaha… nice

  100. christopher says:

    you look hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!

  101. Freddy says:

    Jail bait at 17.

  102. Mr. Pooner says:

    Felt sorry for that guy there…. he can’t hold his man down…

  103. Anonymoose says:

    okay, what’s up with all the growing pains and life goes on references? this dude’s supposed to be seventeen years old. he doesn’t know what the f*ck those things are. hmm.

  104. Ohdear says:

    Lol sorry guys, I should go back in the kitchen.

  105. Fa Fa Fo Hi says:

    Baba Booey!