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Inner Monologue of an 8-Year Old Opening Christmas Presents

Awwww shit! It’s Christmas morning! Hell yeah!  In order to celebrate this festive and exciting day, I’m going to do the most dangerous thing that a child can do in a dark house early in the morning when everyone else is still asleep: run frantically down the stairs!
Oh, shit! Look at all those presents! All for me! Oh, man. Where to begin? I guess I’ll start with the outside ones and work my way in toward the middle. This is so exciting! Maybe I should wake someone else up.  Nah, if they wanted in on this, they should’ve gotten their asses up at 3am like I did. Okay, here comes the first present:
Alright! It’s an adorable puppy! Cool!  Okay, what’s next?

Oh, man! This could be anything! It could be a sweet sports jersey! It could be an awesome bag of Indian bones! Holy crap, Christmas is the best idea ever.  Thanks for inventing it, Jesus!  Okay, I’m tearing into this mystery gift:
Aw, shit. Are you kidding me? Socks? These are those little gay-ass booty socks too, not even real socks. Dammit, Santa. You really dropped the ball on this one.  I mean, the puppy was great. It’s cool and all, but you should know my thoughts on booty socks: if a sock is designed to make it seem like you’re not wearing a sock, then that sock negates its own purpose, and therefore should not exist.  I say this to people at least once aday.  C’mon, Santa. Get your shit together.  Alright, forget about this sock mishap. Let’s move on  to the next—–holy shit on a tricycle! What’s that gift?!!
It’s huge! And it’s really heavy, too. I wonder what it is? Maybe it’s a go-kart kit! Oh, maybe it’s an old leather briefcase full of Indian bones! Well, there’s only one way to find out: unwrap the shit out of it!!!!
……Um……what the f*ck is this? Who are those gay dudes running around? Why do they look like such queers?  This looks like that one band that my dad likes to listen to.  He would probably like this game, even though he wouldn’t be able to play it for shit.  I could definitely play it well, but I’ve heard my dad’s music before. While it’s great for nostalgia, their catalog of music is generally slower, and doesn’t really lend itself well to the exciting video game experience that a person in the prime video game demographic (like me) is looking for.  Oh, well. Maybe Dad will like looking at the pictures on the box.  Next gift!
What? "To Mom"? That can’t be right. That must be some kind of mistake. It’s alright. Santa delivers a lot of presents on Christmas. He’s bound to make some mistakes.  He’s already got strike one with those booty socks, but this is just a small labeling error. I won’t count it against him. Plus, I have a feeling this is gonna be something completely awesome!—

32 Responses to "Inner Monologue of an 8-Year Old Opening Christmas Presents"

  1. Air-n says:

    This was mildly humorous, but either you don’t remember what it’s really like to be a kid or we grew up quite differently.

  2. cyn cyn 4484 says:

    I’ve never laughed soo hard in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I copied & pasted this baby to save for all of posterity!!

  3. reviewer says:

    Why would an 8 year old get a pink you know what??

  4. i like dicks says:

    i like dicks

  5. WTF says:

    The comments are actually a lot funnier than the piece is. I think I’ll make “I’d rape a donkey for a Cookie Monster hoodie” my new catch phrase.

  6. wtf-r-u-kidding-me? says:

    ROFLMFAO!!!!!!! ok, it’s the internet, not a true story for those of you who didn’t figure that part out yet. i enjoy reading the smart ass comments more than the story….must be a bunch of 8 year olds themselves!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

  7. Bud Maxwell says:

    The only euphemism I ever learned as a child was from my grandmother, whom only knew this one word:
    “Ohshipisfarbuggerdam!” which she used at every opportunity. I never knew what it meant, but still have occasion to express that more often as I grow older and more clumsy. LOL She really was a wonderful lady.

  8. Kellie says:

    Um… what was the last present again? I thought it was like, some sort of candy peinis.

  9. Happydance says:

    It was a dildo for mommy to use when daddy wasnt around or to be used in the ass during sex for ether person.

  10. holy shit balls says:

    shit was the majority of my vocab at 7…

  11. psychopath says:

    what 8-year old says shit this many times?

  12. ????? says:

    i said worse wen i was 8

  13. John Lennon says:

    I’m not dead or gay. Awwwwwwwww shit!

  14. Yeah says:

    You do know this is a joke right? It’s not something that an actual 8 year old said. Something someone made up. A JOKE.

  15. MOWREZ says:

    …Cookie Monster hoodie? Wtf are you smoking bro?

  16. JoeBiden says:

    I would rape a donkey for a Cookie Monster hoodie.

  17. Karina says:

    fuckk same here!

  18. pratik says:

    I agree… anyone who gives socks and underwear to little kids for Christmas needs to be castrated on the spot. At least make it a cool clothing item, like a Cookie Monster hoodie or something.

  19. Cartman says:

    This is what Cartman would say!

  20. Dr FingerBang says:

    how does it make you feel when i tell you that my fingers still have your moms twat stank on them.

  21. CrownedTerror says:

    Man I find myself visiting less and less to HolyTaco.
    Step up yo shit taco!

  22. Nurse Buttplug says:

    Dr Fingerbang, you should wash your hands before delivering the next baby.

  23. GrumpyGram says:

    Considering the foul language this kid uses, Santa should
    have left him nothing!! Child abuse be damned, if he was
    my kid, he’d have soap for breakfast!

  24. ????? says:

    kids say this all the time! trust me! im the girl who hangs out w/ em.

  25. Ummm says:

    Are you serious? This is not something that an actual child said. It’s obviously just a joke. And if you’re joking, you’re not funny.

  26. Redgoat says:

    Happy New Year!

  27. NogStomper says:

    die in a fire.

  28. Ralpie Parker says:

    You’ll shoot your eye out with that laser dick missle gun.

  29. ya says:

    so u seen that movie too

  30. BlackZepellin says:

    LMAO the last part was funny

  31. Stick says:

    Ending saved it.