Awwww shit! It’s Christmas morning! Hell yeah! In order to celebrate this festive and exciting day, I’m going to do the most dangerous
thing that a child can do in a dark house early in the morning when everyone else is still asleep: run frantically down the stairs!
Oh, shit! Look at all those presents
! All for me! Oh, man. Where to begin? I guess I’ll start with the outside ones and work my way in toward the middle. This is so exciting! Maybe I should wake someone else up. Nah, if they wanted in on this, they should’ve gotten their asses up at 3am like I did. Okay, here comes the first present:
Alright! It’s an adorable puppy! Cool! Okay, what’s next?
Oh, man! This could be anything! It could be a sweet sports jersey! It could be an awesome bag of Indian bones! Holy crap, Christmas is the best idea ever. Thanks for inventing it, Jesus! Okay, I’m tearing into this mystery gift:
Aw, shit. Are you kidding me? Socks? These are those little gay-ass booty socks too, not even real socks. Dammit, Santa. You really dropped the ball on this one. I mean, the puppy was great. It’s cool and all, but you should know my thoughts on booty socks: if a sock is designed to make it seem like you’re not wearing a sock, then that sock negates its own purpose, and therefore should not exist. I say this to people at least once aday. C’mon, Santa. Get your shit together. Alright, forget about this sock mishap. Let’s move on to the next—–holy shit on a tricycle! What’s that gift?!!
It’s huge! And it’s really heavy, too. I wonder what it is? Maybe it’s a go-kart kit! Oh, maybe it’s an old leather briefcase full of Indian bones! Well, there’s only one way to find out: unwrap the shit out of it!!!!
……Um……what the f*ck is this? Who are those gay dudes running around? Why do they look like such queers? This looks like that one band that my dad likes to listen to. He would probably like this game, even though he wouldn’t be able to play it for shit. I could definitely play it well, but I’ve heard my dad’s music before. While it’s great for nostalgia, their catalog of music is generally slower, and doesn’t really lend itself well to the exciting video game experience that a person in the prime video game demographic (like me) is looking for. Oh, well. Maybe Dad will like looking at the pictures on the box. Next gift!
What? "To Mom"? That can’t be right. That must be some kind of mistake. It’s alright. Santa delivers a lot of presents on Christmas. He’s bound to make some mistakes. He’s already got strike one with those booty socks, but this is just a small labeling error. I won’t count it against him. Plus, I have a feeling this is gonna be something completely awesome!—
…………………..IT’S SOME KIND OF LASER GUN! AWESOME!!!! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!!!!!!