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Inner Monologue of Amber Lamps

Ah, beautiful Oakland, California: the best place in the world for a skinny loner white girl to wander around in spandex, apathetically listening to emo music in headphones.  I sure am glad I took the bus today, too.  Oakland buses are always so quiet and peaceful.
I can’t believe how much stuff I bought at American Apparel yesterday.  I freakin’ love that place, though. It’s an entire store full of overpriced neon spandex. What’s not to love?  It’s the perfect place to shop if you’re a super-skinny hipster who wants to get noticed all the time, but also wants to make it seem like you don’t want to get noticed.  Bright purple spandex is just what the doctor ordered.  Then again, who gives a shit? As long as I don’t get bothered, I’m fine. Whatever.
I’m so glad I stopped by the Clunky Headphone store while I was running errands today.  I’m tired of wearing those discreet, perfectly functional, easy-to-transport earbuds that came with my ipod.  If I want to have music going into my ears, I want something that will make me look like I’m from either outerspace, or 1994. I think these giant tincan headphones totally do the trick, so whatever.

It’s Tuesday, right? There’s nothing good on TV on Tuesdays. I guess I could watch the Olympics, but everytime I turn them on it’s just figure skaters. Last night they were talking about one of the male skater’s girlfriend.  How in God’s name can any male figure skater be straight? It just doesn’t make sense.  You’d have to wake up every morning, look yourself in the mirror, and say, "Self, every single f*cking thing that you do today is going to be SUPER gay. You’re going to wear gay clothes and do a gay dance on ice to a gay song, hoping to win a big gay piece of jewelry.  And it’s going to be seen by everyone in the entire world. Then, after that, you’re gonna come home and bone the shit out of your hot girlfriend. Now giddyup!" Meh. Who cares about stupid gay figure skating. Whatever.
I wish Dexter was still on. That show killed me with cliffhanger endings. The last season was pretty good, though. John Lithgow was super creepy. That one episode where he hides outside the bar to get people to beat him up, and then he just comes out from behind the dumpster and goes "c-c-c-cunt!".  Man, that was so weird.  Good season, though. I like the direction it’s headed. Especially now that they killed off his annoying-ass wife. Either he’ll get all sappy and remorseful, or he’ll get pissed because his wife got murdered, and then he’ll just tear the crap out of everything and everyone, and if he doesn’t? Who cares? Whatever.  If next season is terrible, then I’ll just—
How does he know my name?!!!

34 Responses to "Inner Monologue of Amber Lamps"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    My mom sharted all over my face this morning… AND I FUCKING LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Amber Lamps rules. More importantly, this wasn’t funny or clever at all.

  3. jim says:

    why the fuck is she called amber lamps i dont get it

  4. whosjohndonut says:

    funny stuff

    best ive seen

  5. fukfac says:

    This was just absolutely NOT funny. Very disappointed here HT i may just run from this site

  6. The Rock Jim's Been Living Under says:

    “Bring der Amber Lamps!” – At first people were making fun of the man for mispronouncing ambulance, and it started a new meme “who is Amber Lamps?” Then it morphed somewhat. A lot of people noticed how she was completely oblivious to the whole fight, and some started calling her Amber Lamps until it caught on.

  7. Jes Jones says:

    Wow, she is MAJOR cute dude. Id hit it!


  8. v says:

    for the ones who dont think this shit its absolutely hilarious


  9. Big E says:

    Worst thing I’ve read, since the last time I read this site.

  10. Anonymousfds says:

    Awesome :D :D : D

  11. but really... says:

    she doesn’t care if you do

  12. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Shit kid, you must have an IQ no higher than room temperature! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You FINALLY figured out how to accurately clone a pseudonym! How many weeks did it take you to crack the obvious, eh?

    And you wonder why I call you a fuckwit!!!!????

  13. dunhill says:

    didn’t laugh… at all

  14. TigerSnooze says:


  15. God's left nut says:

    funny shit

  16. mko says:

    Great job of stealing shit from EncyclopediaDramatica, keep up the good work HT.

  17. Gourry says:

    You don’t talk smack about Amber Lamps!

  18. derp says:

    fucking motherfuckers.. I just started watching Dexter

  19. Oakland City Bus Driver says:

    I cant fucking stop laughing.
    This.. post.. almost as epic as EBM himself.

  20. itoldunottofwithme says:


  21. TimmyD2X2 says:

    Wow, that was really stupid.

  22. office jerk says:

    this was awesome, HT, good show.

  23. ronnie says:

    Fffffffff….First bitches!!!

  24. ronnie says:

    While I’m at it, Second Bitches!!!!

  25. ronnie says:

    and for the Bronze medal, THIRD BITCHES!!!!

  26. boop de doop says:

    What the fuck was this?

  27. Pac-Man says:

    Ya’ll win medals in the only event gayer than figure skating, and that’s racing to post in a comment section without any original thought. Congrats fags.

    Holy Taco, the mere idea of this post officially makes you the funniest assholes on the internet.

  28. Philosopher Part 2: Bigger and Blacker says:

    Where have you been since Friday!?! Get a life loser!

  29. Bucket Headed Monkey says:

    This one was stupid as hell. Half of it had nothing to do with the inner monologue at all and was just a way for the writer to voice their opinion on a topic that has zero relevance to the original topic. The hipster shit insults were funny but then out of nowhere the Olympics came in and I was all like wut

  30. nickmare says:

    okay pal the joke was that she wasn’t thinking about what was going on at all. this makes up for that stupid blacksploitation translation, the ending was hilarious good one ht

  31. Bucket Headed Monkey says:

    oh ok, I didn’t see it that way! duhh! must have been all that partying last night!!! lolz

  32. Amber Lamps says:

    Bought my new Amber Lamp today.. I just felt like doing it.