Explore Holy Taco

Inner Monologue of a Bethlehem Inn Keeper in 4 B.C.

Tax season. What a bitch.  It’s good for business, though.  Sure, the people are all retarded, but retard sheckles are worth the same as non-retard sheckles, right? Alright, looks like this is the last customer of the night, then it’s off to my quarters, where I shall peruse my nudie scrolls until the wee hours of the morning.  Hmm, something looks a little off about these two:
Well, who am I to judge? I’m a f*cking hotel manager in a shitty little town in pre-history.  I’ll just pull up their reservation, get them situated, and then spend some quality time translating the ol’ skin tablets.  Let’s see, the reservation should be under "Of the House of David, Joseph".  Hmm. I’m not finding anything. Wait a minute: did these dumbf*cks not make a reservation? Who the hell comes to town during tax season and doesn’t make a f*cking reservation?  This guy must be a complete dumbass.  Look at this dumbass, with his dumbass girl—oh, shit. That bitch is preggers to the max!
Ohhh, shit. That explains why this dude looks f*cking terrified right now.  Homeboy went and knocked this bitch up good. Oh, right. He says it’s not his.  Yeah.  Sure, buddy.  What, did she get knocked up by a ghost or something? C’mon. Gimme a break. And what about here? What kind of civilized woman gives it up to a dude and then doesn’t make him marry her? That kind of behavior will never be acceptable in civilized society. You can mark my words.

Geeze, this chick is about to burst.  I can’t just send them out into the cold.  I guess I could put them in the barn, though.  I mean, it smells like goat shit, but it’s 4 B.C. Everthing smells like goat shit. Alright, into the barn with you, nervous dude and whorry girlfriend!
They look way more comfortable chillin’ in the barn than they should. Almost too comfortable.  It’s a nice little scene, actually.  I should start making little wooden figurines of a couple hanging out in a stable.  I bet I could make a killing off of those.  Nah, who am I kidding? Nobody would buy that shit.  Well,  as long as the weird couple is out of my hair, I can get to my engravings of naked chicks and really get goin’ on this Bonerfest—-oh, what the f*ck is this shit now?
A bunch of rich dudes? Ew, what the f*ck is that f*cking horrible smell? Is that Frankincense? Oh my god, dude! Your spilling your shitty-ass Frankincense all over my f*cking lobby! What a piece of shit.  Oh, great: and they’re not even guests here either.  They’re just here to see the f*cking barn kid, Goat Shit Steve or whatever his name is.  Normally there’s no guests after 11, but I’ll make an exception, just to get this smelly-ass Frankincense dude out of my hotel. F*ckin’ rich dickbags.
Oh, great. now what? Some f*ckin’ shepherds are here to see them, too? What is this, a f*ckin’ birthday party or something? What the hell is so damn special about this stupid baby that all these people think they can just interrupt my tax season jerk off party?  Alright, that’s it.  My motel barn is not a f*cking disco party night club.  You can’t just beg me for a room, and then when I give you what I have you take advantage of it by inviting all your smelly, dumbass friends over for a kegger.  I’m shutting this bitch down. I hope they give me trouble, too, cuz it’s been a long time since I kicked some ass, but I’m in the mood for it tonight!  I’ll grab ‘em by the balls and—–holy shit.
That’s a big ass star. And it’s hovering right over my hotel. That’s kinda creepy.  It must be some kind of a sign.  Yeah, it must be: a sign from God! Something miraculous is happening here tonight, and I think I know exactly what that miracle is…I’m about to have the hugest boner I’ve ever had! YES! I’m totally busting out my auto-erotic asphyxiation scrolls tonight. Let’s celebrate!

31 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Bethlehem Inn Keeper in 4 B.C."

  1. A Lost Zen Jew says:

    My 5-year-old daughter put Boba Fett in our Nativity, and I don’t see him mentioned at all in this story. Why? Didn’t he have to find the baby jesus or something to collect a bounty? As for Hello Kitty turning up in the manger, well, theology is never static. I’m sure grandma will be excited to see our updated version.

  2. Boba Fett says:

    Get me out of this fucking manger!

  3. justin says:
    This was about a hotel manager who likes to masturbate. I don’t know what you guys are talking about.
  4. Drew says:

    It would be about 30 B.C. actually because the common date assigned to 0 B.C. is Jesus’s baptism not his birth. This would also put his birth during the reign of King Herod

  5. Jesus' Dad says:

    Really? 4 B.C.? She was in labor for 4 fucking years? Great math.

    Nice pic of Palin’s daughter though. I’d hit it.

  6. Jake says:

    She was not in labor for 4 years. B.C. means before the common era, not before Christ. Jesus was born in 4 B.C.

  7. HerbertKoch says:

    I hate to make God look like a complete dumbfuck, but Jesus was born during the reign of Herod the Great (according to the Gospel of Matthew), who according to records, died in the year 4B.C. Based on this, most scholars believe Jesus was born before 4B.C. The designation of the year 0 is based on an arbitrary reckoning of when Jesus was born.

    And ‘ewww!’ about Palin’s daughter. You are one desperate deity.

  8. HerbertKoch says:

    I hate also making Jake look stupid, but B.C did traditionally refer to Before Christ. The commonly accepted, secular term is now BCE, before common era.

  9. Hugh Jorgan says:

    I hate making you all look stupid but God and Jesus AREN’T REAL

  10. HerbertKoch says:

    Damn Buddha banging Chinaman!

  11. The Pope says:

    No, B.C.E is not commonly used, only douchebags and preppy faggots use it instead of B.C.

  12. HerbertKoch says:

    Did I say commonly used? No, I said commonly accepted. Not quite the same thing fucktard.

  13. God says:

    This is not like it happened! is not!! I know ’cause I was the one doing all this shit. The only reason why she got pregnant is because she told me she was fixed, fixed! so after that I had to find an idiot with faith to marry her and believe the whole thing of “I’m still a virgin, I got pregnant but he did not touch me! Yeah right! You see, I like pussy, so I take human form from time to time to fuck some hot ass. That’s the story, that’s what happened.

  14. Dead_Frankz says:

    Dear God:

    Can you come as a girl and let me fuck you?


  15. God says:

    Hey mortal, refer to my post, and I quote “I like PUSSY” you’ll die in three days for trying to cock fuck god.

  16. America Sucks Balls says:

    Hey Raegan, your country sucks as and you are an egotistical fuckface.

  17. Ronald Reagan says:

    Oh yeah Holy Taco way to go, ripping on Christianity takes no balls at all. I want to see if you pussies will grow a pair and rip on Islam. I’ll be rooting for you guys, but I seriously doubt you people have the huevos to pull that off.

  18. Response to right wing idiot says:

    America is a christian nation, not a muslim one, so americans are not familiar with islamic stories, hence making fun of islamic stories is pointless.

    also i have seen many “funny” pics of dead iraqis or dying iraqis in the form of stupid internet memes, there is no shortage of islam haters in america

    also, you are a fucking idiot

  19. Anonymouslol says:

    He’s just a butthurt Christian idiot.. A blind sheep. Let him rage about his butt-buddy god and he’ll stop posting thinking he showed that guy who’s boss. Lol people who believe in god are fucking retarded, get some common-sense and stop using a stupid religion to pamper your thoughts of an afterlife.

  20. Borat says:

    Throw the Jew down the well!

  21. John says:

    christianity is bad huh well too bad all our laws are based on huh hmmm whats it called again? the 10 commandements thats right. badmouth religion all you want it helped shape our laws and made the US the badass super awesome nation it is today. atheists are a sad sad people who can eat the peanuts out of my shit.

  22. Joseph says:

    Mary was a cocktease and i raped her in her sleep… Thats how it happened… Feels good to set the record straight

  23. colleen says:

    Also, the Magi didn’t show up until Jesus was like, three years old. That census took a long-ass time, like five years or something, depending on who you talk to.

  24. Mary says:

    Instead of getting pregnant i should have been making joseph a sammich.

  25. Joseph says:

    And would it hurt you to clean the fucking house once in awhile you lazy whore?

  26. opium: the classic of drugs says:

    why is every monologue about someone who is a total douchebag?

  27. John says:

    why does everyone who post something on here a total tool and douchebag? its a great question!!!!!

  28. DaveLovesBacon says:

    Yes John…EVERYONE!! Douche

  29. susan says:

    Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy so many people are interested in an interracial relationship. black woman want to have fun with white man and black guys want to have fun with white women. There are many sites focusing on this kind of relationships such as [_www.BlackwhiteCupid.com_] recommend it here= – [_www.BlackwhiteCupid.com_]

  30. Masshole says:

    Go-od dammit whore, don’t make me get out of the fahking cah and and drag your ass out, get o-off the fahking computah and get your ass down heeh, we’re missing the fahking Celt’s game.

  31. Satan says:

    Finally some one is enough of a douchebag to mess with the nativity story, It’s good to know tha there are other retarded asswipes out there other than me.