Okay, I got to America. Sweet. Good job, me! Now all I have to do is convince the rest of the world that I was the one who discovered it. Otherwise, they're going to be talking about Leif Erikson and John Cabot and all those other pansy dumb-asses forever, and no hot Spanish chick is gonna wanna get boned by the 7th dude to discover America. The first thing I need to do is come up with a cool name that's better than Leif Erikson. Chris Columbus just isn't going to cut it. That doesn't sound like an awesome sailor name. It sounds more like the name of a dude who arranges a series of quickly-sequenced images in a particular order to tell some kind of story, which is super lame.
Let's see here...maybe I can give myself a cool title, like "Captain of the World", or "General Bloodtooth" or something like that. Ooh, Admiral! Yeah, that's good. It sounds all official and shit. Okay, Admiral of....what? Admiral of the Ocean? Meh, sounds kinda gay. Maybe if I say Ocean twice: Admiral of the Ocean Ocean. Nah, that makes it sound like I'm retarded. Oh, I got it! Admiral of the Ocean Sea. Yeah, that's good. It's just like saying ocean twice like I want to, except it doesn't make me sound like a gay retard. Good. Admiral of the Ocean Sea it is.
Okay, so I'll start by introducing myself as "The Admiral of the Ocean Sea". I should think of some other stuff though, just in case that awesome title doesn't drop Spanish panties like I'm expecting it to. What else can I do? Well, obviously I should take some of these savages as slaves. I mean, how else will anybody believe that I found them? Maybe I'll take, like, 5 of them. But what if I want to give them to friends as presents for holidays and stuff? I mean, who's gonna give a better Christmas present than a slave from America? People will be like, "Oh, Chris Columbus! I'm totally inviting him to my birthday party! I hope he gives me one of his New World slaves! Those things are so cool and trendy!" But I'll only give slaves to the hot chicks, though. That's a great idea. Okay, in that case I'd better take 25 of them, just to be sure that I'll have enough for the holiday season.
I feel like I should have one more f*ck-worthy attribute to tell chick's about. So far I've been wrong about pretty much every calculation that I've amde. I anticipated all the wrong distances, the wrong locations of things, and the wrong amounts of time needed to traverse the ocean. For the most part, I'm kind of a terrible sailor, so I'm definitely not going to get laid for my navigational skills. Sure, I'm considered the governor of everything I've discovered over here, but there are governors everywhere these days. I need to figure out how to distinguish myself from all the other run-of-the-mill leaders out there. Maybe I could wear a funny hat!
No, everyone wears funny hats these days. Oh, I've got it1 I'll be a completely tyrranical governor who tortures and murders people for fun! Yeah, that's perfect! The only people living in my territory are savage, sub-human locals, so nobody will give a shit if I totally abuse my power, kill in vain, and methodically ahhihilate their trust in European government for centuries to come. Plus, I'm super-christian, so I can just say that it's God's will, and everything will be fine! Yes. I am gonna get so much Spanish pussy for this. I am a goddamn jeenius!
Well, I'd better get to killing all these peaceful, innocent tribespeople. Chris Columbus, FTW!
Funny I admit, but does anyone proof read? Common! Great article, unfortunately for those of us who reside in Nevada Columbus Day is not celebrated holiday.
"does anyone proof read?....Common!" that's priceless! Apparently not even the critic of proofreading catches the error! Common = C'mon perhaps is what you were looking for or Come on even, definitely not Common!
Columbus found what is the modern day Islands of The Bahamas and went on to found Hispania, which is an island between Haiti/Dominican Republic and Cuba.
He never made it American Shores. America itself is, disputably, after Amerigo Vesspucci, a known thief and liar.
Columbus was jailed and stripped of his title by the Crown family of Spain for the atrocities -violence, murder and torture, he committed against people of Hispania.
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(12 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
October 12th, 2009 at 04:49 pm
So it's Columbus Day and you can't spell, you go girl!
October 12th, 2009 at 05:16 pm
Funny I admit, but does anyone proof read? Common! Great article, unfortunately for those of us who reside in Nevada Columbus Day is not celebrated holiday.
October 13th, 2009 at 07:21 am
"does anyone proof read?....Common!" that's priceless! Apparently not even the critic of proofreading catches the error! Common = C'mon perhaps is what you were looking for or Come on even, definitely not Common!
October 13th, 2009 at 03:48 pm
Criticism fail.
nice!
October 12th, 2009 at 06:20 pm
Christopher Columbus:
Navigator
Explorer
First ever Gestapo agent
October 12th, 2009 at 06:22 pm
Happy Columbus day!
All of the people trying to desecrate the founding of the greatest nation on earth can suck it.
HOLY TACO RULES!!!!!
October 12th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Columbus found what is the modern day Islands of The Bahamas and went on to found Hispania, which is an island between Haiti/Dominican Republic and Cuba.
He never made it American Shores. America itself is, disputably, after Amerigo Vesspucci, a known thief and liar.
Columbus was jailed and stripped of his title by the Crown family of Spain for the atrocities -violence, murder and torture, he committed against people of Hispania.
Happy Columbus day indeed.
October 13th, 2009 at 07:55 am
Fuck you, Steve, you're a dumbass and a dickhead. You're the reason I'm sometimes ashamed to be an American.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Steve, we aren't insulting America. We're insulting the prick who "discovered" it.
October 12th, 2009 at 08:46 pm
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October 12th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Man this site has gone downhill.
October 13th, 2009 at 06:30 am
Thank you for showing me that I'm funnier than someone.
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