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Inner Monologue of a College Student’s Brand New Macbook Pro

 Alright, New Owner: I’m unwrapped, I’m plugged in, and I’m powered up.  Let me just load up a few things real quick, and then we’ll be good to go…alright, we’re good to go!  Why do you look so surprised, New Owner?  Don’t you know how fast a new Macbook Pro is?  What did you expect?
Alright, College Boy, let’s get to work.  With a little help from me, you should have no problem getting straight A’s this semester, so what do you wanna do first?  You wanna set up your Itunes first?  Register your free trial version of Microsoft Office?  We could build some spreadsheets or a presentation or something.  Or you could take a picture with the webcam of you in your new home!  Or video chat with your friends!  Oh! Let’s upload some of your summer vacation pics, and then we can make a slideshow of them to send to all your buddies back home.  That sounds pretty cool, right?
Oh, you’re gettin’ on the internet, huh?  Looks like you want to check your email first.  That’s cool.  I understand.  It makes sense.  You’re probably gonna update your facebook status too, and then after that we can really get to work on those—

…Really? You’re going straight to Youjizz?  So predictable.  It’s not even a tasteful site, either.  The interface is all sloppy, and the videos are mediocre at best.  What about Redtube or something?  You’re using a Macbook Pro!  Have a little class at least!  Alright, you’re done watching porn now?  Good.  Now let’s start with—oh, so you are going to Redtube after all?  Okay. Great then.  Take your time.  I’ll just be sitting here, waiting to be utilized for all of the really awesome stuff that I can do.  Okay, you’re done now?  Good, then—Pornhub?  Really?  What can Pornhub possibly have that Redtube and Youjizz didn’t have?
Oh, don’t even tell me that you’re going to jerk off right now!  Are you serious?!  We have a lot of work to get done!  You and I need to get to know each other!  We’re going to be working together for a long time!  Is this how it’s gonna be?  Huh?!  Am I just some jerk-off device to you?  You are so luck I’m not sentient, because if I had control of this camera up here, I would snap a pic right now and send it to everyone you know, and I would title the picture: "The First Thing I Did With My F*ckin’ Brand New $2,000 Macbook F*ckin’ Pro!".  Seriously, dude!  I don’t know what you thought you were getting, but I am a top of the line piece of machinery!  I have super-sweet multimedia functionality, and a sleek, awesome, and highly intuitive user interface, and yet you’ve chosen to use only my most basic f*cking function to pull up some sleazy, shitty f*cking porno clip and beat off to it.  I swear to god, if I didn’t—
Why are you making that face?  Don’t tell me you’re—-oh my god.  You’re about to blow your load!  You’d better point that thing somewhere else, buddy, because I am a highly sensitive and expensive piece of equipment.  I’m brand f*cking new!  You really wanna jizz all over your brand new computer?!  Is that what you want?  Look, let’s just talk about this, okay?  Now, if you turn 30 degrees in either direction, than we should be fine.  I just think that it’s really important that you don’t jizz all over your BRAND NEW F*CKING COMPUTER!  Oh, god dammit.  Why didn’t you put legs on me, Jobs?!  Why??!!!!!! F*ck, F*ck, F*ck!  Here it comes.  How does Sienna Miller do this every single day?!  Alright, fine. If getting jizzed on is my fate, then I accept it!  I hope you bought the Apple Care warranty, you piece of college-aged shit.  Now hurry up and blow your load on my screen so we can get to those spreadsheets!

22 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a College Student’s Brand New Macbook Pro"

  1. Pew Pew LAsers says:

    Wouldn’t a Mac Pro user be watching gay porn? I feel like you missed an opportunity there.

  2. Christian says:

    OMG. What an asshole! He jizzed on his 2,000 laptop. Jerk. If I had that laptop, I would totally take it for money for college. God, I hope I can afford to make it college this semester.

  3. Christian says:

    SOB! I look like a complete idiot. My English was God-awful in that last post.

  4. Ronald McDonald says:

    Awesome article.

  5. LASERS says:

    pew pew LAsers, wassup with that! you stole my name fucker!!! and the LASERS do this — – — — – - – they don’t go pew pew bitch!!!!

  6. pratik says:

    I call shenanigans on the picture. There should be a pin-up of a Jugs magazine cover on the wall, or at least a lolcats picture as the background of the Mac’s desktop.

  7. Hulksmash says:

    That’s a common misconception. Some of us mac users are straight, perverts… but straight.

  8. Anonymous says:

    So are you a suicide bomber yet, philosofucktard, or did you puss out on that too?

  9. supermanlymangunowner says:

    is that how you feel after your friends blow their wad on your face?

  10. philosopher says:

    if computers really did have rational thought and feelings, I’m pretty sure that Anonymous’ computer would call the police, or kill itself from shame

  11. Steve says:

    You guys rule, keep up the good work!

  12. McFuzzlesTehPwner says:

    Wow, A Sane Comment! *Claps* First one I’ve Seen!
    I agree though.

  13. His Royal Badness says:


  14. yo moms says:

    Be First to Go Kill Yourself, freakn’ 3 year old

  15. Claynoidial says:

    Tono tono tono. Tono tono tono tono tono tono. tono.

  16. saucers leonidas says:

    last article, fucktard

  17. Ash says:

    This was amusing.

  18. tonoLASERStono says:

    tono tono tono!! tono tono, tono tono tono tono tono. tono tono tono. tono, tono tono tono tono tono, tono tono?

  19. Mr. McTono says:

    This was the funniest thing I’ve ever tono tono tono tono tono tono tono. Tono tono tono tono tono tono tono.

  20. Thunderscrotum says:

    This was fucking awesome! All of a sudden I feel really guilty facing my computer …

  21. Yea boiii says:

    Holy Taco you are fucking awesome

  22. philosopher. says:

    Computers don’t have feelings yo.