Alright, let’s see: this guy’s driving a 2004 Honda Civic that’s completely beat to
shit. There’s no way this idiot can afford a traffic ticket. Well, I might as well utilize my position of authority to ruin his entire month. I’ll just run his license plate through the police database real quick to find out if I’m gonna have to kill this motherf*cker in the name of the law. Hmm, the plate comes up clean. Uh oh, what’s this? Expired registration, huh? Excellent. Now I actually have a reason for pulling him over. Let’s get the show on the road. Haha! Get it? Road? Because I pulled this dumbass over on a road! Oh, man, I’m f*ckin’ hilarious. Why did I become a cop
? I should’ve been a world-famous comedian! I’m already way funnier than that racist two-bit hack Jeff Dunham!
Alright, I’ll start off by shining my super strong, industrial-grade flashlight right in this dipshit’s face so that he can’t see and he gets disoriented and acts drunk, even though he’s probably not drunk at all. That’ll get him, that piece of shit normal, everyday person who’s just trying to make a decent living. Not in my town, asshole! I’ll just go by the books at first, until he gives me a reason to mace him in the face. I’ll ask him if he knows why I pulled him over. He’ll either say that he has absolutely no idea, or he’ll confess to doing something that I probably didn’t even know about. If he says something about having bodies in his trunk, I’m just gonna shoot him in the face with my gun. I’ve been carrying this damn gun for three years, and I’ve never gotten to shoot anyone in the face. What’s the point of carrying a gun
all the time if you never get to shoot anyone in the face?! Where’s all the exciting cop work that I thought I was signing up for?!
This retard seems to have no idea why I pulled him over. Now I can pull out that bullshit "your registration is expired" excuse that I just discovered a few minutes ago. Oh, here he goes with some lame-ass, bullshit excuse about how it just expired two weeks ago, and it’s so hard to get into the DMV
in this town because there’s only one DMV that’s open on the weekends, and the location always switches so you never know when it’s open. Oh, and here he comes with the dumbass rant about how you have to get a smog test before you can get registered, and you have to make an appointment for the smog test, and you also have to make an appointment at the DMV even though you don’t know which one’s going to be open on Saturday, and if you have an out-of-state vehicle because you moved here from somewhere else like 90% of the people in this town did, then you have to provide proof of ownership of the car and documents that illustrate when and where you bought the car, which means that if you’re lucky enough to find out which DMV is open on Saturday, you’re going to have to spend about 5 hours standing in line to get the car registered, and it’s really way more of a hassle than it should be.
All I’m hearing is "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, I have a dead body in my trunk right now." I should just shoot this f*cker in the face and call it a day. If he was a black guy, I’d do it in a hearbeat, and nobody would ask any questions. Not in this town, anyway. This is a white dude, though. He might be some rich asshole’s son. If he is, then his dad f*ckin’ hates him, because otherwise he’d be driving a Range Rover and I wouldn’t have pulled him over, because I could tell that he came from an affluent family that probably owns the police force. This dude, though? He’s probably a meth-head or something. Alright, I might as well get him out of the car and scare him a little bit. Maybe he’ll make some little mistake that I can exaggerate into a larger ordeal, and then I can beat the shit out of him and take him in for resisting arrest.
Okay, he seems to be passing all the sobriety tests without any problems. He doesn’t seem nervous either. He’s probably just a normal dude on his way home from work or something. Dammit. That’s no fun at all. Wait a minute, what is this? A money clip? Who the f*ck carries a money clip? Specifically, who carries a money clip with $12 in it? This guy must be some kind of douchebag. Only douchebags carry money clips. What a wanker. Well, I’m not gonna let this normal, everyday, uneventful traffic stop play out without a single exciting incident. I’ll just say I thought the money clip was a knife, and that’s why I pistol whipped this Civic-drivin’, expired registration-havin’, normal, everyday piece of shit. I’m in a position of authority, dammit, and it’s high time that I started using that authority to do whatever the f*ck I want, just like all of the great authority figures that came before me, like Napolean
, Ghengis Khan, and Brian Denehy
from First Blood. Y’know, all of my role models. Alright, it’s settled: this bitch is getting tazed. I’ll sort out the details later. Now is the time to be a real man and taze this innocent citizen with my legal weapon. Man, I love being a cop!