The Inner Monologue of a Degenerate Gambler Watching That Kid with Down Syndrome Score a Touchdown

It took me weeks, but I finally found a bookie who would let me bet on high-school football games. And now my persistence has paid off. I’m about to win $10,000! I knew there was no way the Panthers would cover a 40 point over! They have no offense, and even their awful defense won’t allow 40 points! Now, with the score at 35 to 0 and time enough for only one last play, victory is mine! I am the smartest gambler alive!

Hmmm, who’s that running back, number 57, Ike Ditzenberger? He looks pretty short and uncoordinated, even for the Panthers. Jesus, he can barley walk. I hope they hand off to him just so he can fall on his face and end this. That guy doesn’t stand a chance. Talk about the icing on the cake. Thank you, God! Hookers and blow, here I come!

Wow, he can’t even run. He’s just trotting out there like a crippled mule. How in the hell did this guy make the team, much less become a running back? This would be sad, if it wasn’t making me so much money. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that kid has Downs, or something. The under in this game was the best bet in the history of sports betting!

Jesus Christ, tackle him! How did you miss that tackle, 54? Stephen Hawking could have caught him! Not to worry. Number 42 will bring him down. COME ON 42! RUN LIKE YOU’VE GOT A PAIR! DON’T TRIP! JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Oh, thank god. He stepped out of bounds. Weird, why didn’t the ref blow the whistle? WHERE’S THE F**KING WHISTLE, REF! My god, how did they not call that? He was halfway to the bench, for crying out loud! ARE YOU BLIND? WE ALL SAW IT! WHY IS NO ONE ELSE UPSET?

Jesus, 54, did you miss him again! What the f**k are you kids doing! Tackle that fucking mongoloid! He’s been running back and forth for 20 seconds! End this game, you god-damn teenagers! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Oh my god! Illegal block; number 78, offense! Throw the flag! Throw the flag! Illegal block in the back! They just threw him to the f**king ground! Oh my god, what is happening? This is a joke! THIS IS A F**KING JOKE!

That’s it, 42! Redeem yourself! He’s running so slow! You can still catch him! You’re almost there! DON’T F**KING SLOW DOWN! I WILL PAY YOU $5,000 IF YOU DON’T SLOW DOWN! HE’S GOING TO SCORE! WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS GIMP SCORE? YOU ARE PRACTICALLY ON TOP OF HIM! JUST TAP HIM, AND HE’S SURE TO FALL! HE’S ALREADY OFF BALANCE BECAUSE OF HIS STUBBY LEGS! IT’S LIKE WATCHING WILLOW PLAY FOOTBALL! HE’S JUST WALKING AT THIS POINT! YOU’RE LETTING THIS IDIOT WALK INTO THE END ZONE! OH MY F**KING GOD! TOUCHDOWN!

What the f**k did I just witness? It’s as if Jesus Christ himself came down from heaven and guided that imbecile for 51 yards! Final score, 35 to 6! That’s 41 points. Sweet Christmas, I just lost $10,000! This is not happening. Why are these morons celebrating? They still lost by 29 points! This game was fixed, and these god damn players are on the take, not to mention the refs! The coach is probably a friggen bookie! There is no other explanation for what I just saw! Why is the crowd cheering? Are all these people in on it, too? Everyone is against me!

Did I just hear the announcer say he was misting up? Well, I’m misting up too, *sshole, cause I’m about to lose my thumbs thanks to “I Am Sam,” over here. Look, they’re actually holding that little f**ker up in the air like he really scored! It was fixed, you little stupid bastard! Oh my god, now he’s dancing in the end zone! I’ve seen children with Autism that could dance better than that! This is high-school ball! Where is the flag for taunting? What is this kid’s deal? He must have bet heavy on the over! God damn you, 57! Not only did you screw me, but now you’re out there dancing like a spaz and rubbing it in my face! You don’t know who you’re messing with, you awful piece of sh*t!

Son of a bitch, where am I going to come up with 10 Gs! I’ll have to sell my car! How much is a ‘98 Taurus worth? I’m going to have to sell blood. I’m going to end up with cement shoes, and all on account of that awful little troll. I HATE YOU, CORKY! What do you mean, shut up? That gomp cost me a lot of money? Why can’t I call him a gomp? Holy shit, he actually has Downs? Oh my god, why didn’t anyone tell me? I feel like such an awful person. If I had known he was mentally challenged, I never would have said yes to the under bet. Those guys have retard strength, like Lenny from Of Mice and Men.

Jesus, why didn’t I take the over? I’m such a tard.