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Inner Monologue of a Drunk Guy at Chuck E Cheese

God dammit. I f*ckin’ hate kid’s birthday parties. If this party wasn’t for my nephew, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Chuck E Cheese. Sure, this place is great when you’re 7 years old, but after that, what’s the point? This is going to be torture. Kids running around screaming, shitty pizza, big fat ugly chicks everywhere covered in tomato sauce and dough. It’s going to take every once of will power that I have to avoid puking as soon as I walk in the door. Alright, I might as well just get it over with.
Oh, god. This place is definitely infested with germs. Forget about bird flu and swine flu. I’m gonna catch kid flu in this cesspool of filth. Why the hell did my brother choose this disgusting germ trap to host his kid’s birthday party in? Okay, there’s my brother. I’ll just drop off this gift for my nephew, hang out for a few minutes, and then come up with some excuse as to why I have to leave. I wish I would’ve downloaded one of those iPhone apps that sends a fake phone call to your phone. That would be so valuable right now.
Woah! Wait a minute. They serve beer here? Hmm. Well, maybe I’ll just have a beer or two, just to take the edge off. Might as well have some of this shitty cardboard pizza while I’m at it. Well, how about that? I thought I was just coming to humor my nephew, and I got some beer and a shitty meal out of it.  Not bad, self. Not bad at all.

Oh, there’s my nephew, over there by the video games. He’s waving me over. I guess I should go. I mean, it’s his birthday, after all. I think I’ll take this beer with me, just in case I get thirsty. Aw, sweet! They have that Area 51 game! I used to f*ckin’ love this game! I’m gonna teach my nephew how to kick ass at it. Then we’ll, like, bond over Area 51 or something. I’d better get another beer before I start, because I’m gonna be here for a while.
Oh, hello foxy babe playing a shooter video game. I found another pretty awesome game here. It’s called "Me Boning You in the Chuck E Cheese Bathroom", and here’s the best part: it’s free! You wanna check it out? Just lemme get another beer and then we can talk details. Oh, man. This Chuck E Cheese beer is hitting me harder than I expected. Oh, well. I’m sure I’ll be fine once I get some of this shitty pizza in me to soak up all the alcohol. Man, selling beer at Chuck E Cheese is the best idea ever!
HOLY SHIT WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?!!!! Jesus Christ! There’s f*cking robot monsters in here! How are all these children okay with this? These things are f*cking terrifying! Man, this place is totally turning on me. I just need to get another beer, bone that hot chick in the bathroom, and get the f*ck out of here before something goes horribly wrong.
Well, of course the hot video game girl was the girlfriend of the dude in the Chuck E Cheese costume. Why wouldn’t it be? I came here for my nephew’s birthday and now I’m about to get into a fistfight with a costumed character in front of a bunch of kids. I wonder if I have enough Skeeball tickets to buy anything that I can use as a weapon. Let’s see, a little parachute guy? That might make a good distraction, but not a weapon. Paddle Ball game? Nah, to fragile. Maybe I can just wad up my tickets and use them like a roll of quarters. Well, whatever. I’m just gonna pound this giant rat into the ground. Lemme just down the last of this cheap beer. Okay, I’m good to go. Let’s do this, rat!

5 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Drunk Guy at Chuck E Cheese"

  1. Michael Scott says:


  2. Dr. Toona says:

    that was shite. baconfarm.com for lyfe

  3. Michael Scott says:

    first!! Suck it dwight!!

  4. chuck e says:

    FFFFIRST? am i first? nice…

  5. pratik says:

    Dude played almost three hours of Area 51 in a row. Impressive.