Okay, I’ve got a 6-pack of PBR, and a bottle of cheap wine in case there are any chicks at this party that I’m going to. I think that’s all I need. Maybe I should just browse the two aisles of this Asian Liquor Store that aren’t packed with wine, just to make sure that I don’t need anything else before I make my way to the heavily-fortified check out stand. There’s a homeless guy at the register right now, anyway, and he’s somehow soaking wet from head to toe. Some browsing time will give him a chance to get the f*ck out of here so I can check out in peace. Let’s see here:
Woah, there’s a lot of shit in this place. They’ve got paper plates, lightbulbs, and instant coffee all right next to each other. I guess that makes sense. Maybe in asia those things all go together somehow, and I just don’t understand the connection. That’s probably it. I’m sure this year-old christmas wrapping paper and an unlabeled silver can with the words "Canned Beef in Juice" written on it in sharpie are all okay, too. Jesus. This store is like a bizarro world of some sort. It’s like a museum. It looks exactly like a store from a post-apocalyptic movie, where the survivors stumble across a little store and break into it and they’re so happy to find food that they have a little bit of fun for a———HOLY SHIT.
Are you kidding me? Chef Boyardee Dinosaurs?!! They haven’t made these for like 20 years! What the f*ck is this can doing here?! What the f*ck is this place? Have I slipped into some sort of time vortex?! Oh, shit. That’s what happened. I accidentally traveled back in time. Dammit! I always thought it would be cooler than this! I’m so disappointed in time travel now! Wait a minute,…..the label on those Dinosaurs is all faded. That can is really old. Okay, maybe I didn’t travel back to the past, then. Maybe this Asian Liquor Store has really had that can on its shelves for 20 years. I mean, it’s in a can right? It can’t go bad, right? Hmm, I don’t know enough about cans. Dammit, this place is starting to freak me out now. I’m questioning my reality and shit. Is that f*cking homeless guy gone yet?!
Nope, he’s still there….wait, is he doing a scratchers card?! What the f*ck, dude! Somebody gave that guy a buck outside and he spent it on a f*ckin’ lottery ticket? What a piece of—oh, shit he won $5! Good for him. Maybe I should buy a scratchers ticket. Okay, soaking wet homeless guy’s leaving now. Time to make my way up to the cashier and get the f*ck out of this crazy backwards-ass liquor store.
Man, there’s a shit-ton of porn up here in the front. Porn and fresh fruit. And a f*cking cat. That’s a weird combination. They don’t even cover it up, either….the porn, I mean. At least in white people stores the dirty titty mags are in plastic covers, and like behind the counter and stuff. In this store, it’s just right f*ckin’ there. Well,….I should probably buy one of these Asian porno mags just to have a memento…y’know, so that people will believe me when I tell them how crazy it is. I mean, I totally won’t even look at it anyway. What other useless crap are they selling right here at the register, besides hot asian porn?
………………..Y’know, on second thought, I don’t think I really feel like going to this party. I’ll put back the wine, but I might as well keep this PBR, and I’ll have to keep this Asian porn as proof that I was here, but not for anything else. I mean, what else would I use it for? Jerking off to?…………yeah, I’m probably just gonna jerk off a bunch tonight.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
really f*cking hilarious
Im from Florida and all we have are arabs and spics lol
first!!
chris o sully
my asian liquor store owners let their chiuaua (who is always wearing a doggy polo) roam free to bark at customers….also i think they sell what looks like meat lollipops
where i’m from (florida) we have arab stores, not asian.
arabs are asian.
Good job on knowing any geography!
That was fucking great. Well told story. Although, I wouldn’t take my word for it, I’m a brainless piece of shit.
I’m from Maine… we only have white people stores.
hey, me too!
I envy yous.
Are you from Pennsylvania? They only have yous in Pennsylvania
Asian porn is awesome
(-) (-)
They have a bunch of stores like that in Cali