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Inner Monologue of a Guy Attending the Porn Convention

Aaaah. There’s nothing like a nice, relaxing weekend in Vegas. No screaming kids to drive to soccer games. No nagging wife bitching about how I bought the wrong eggs at the supermarket. Just me, the porn convention, and about 600 beautiful women who get paid to have dirty sex on camera for a living.  I hope I see Sasha Grey. She’s my favorite. It’d be cool to get wasted with a whole group of the Asian pornstars, too.  They probably can’t hold their liquor at all, so they’ll be all—-
 
 
OH MY GOD. What the f*ck is this?! They scheduled the Consumer Electronics show on the same weekend as the Porn Convention? Did they do that on purpose?! No, what am I talking about?! I came here to druel over pornstars all weekend. That’s what I told my wife, and that’s what I’m sticking to…holy shit, though. An LED TV? I’ve been obsessed with those ever since I saw them online a while back.  Well, maybe I can just duck into CES real quick. I’ll only stay for a couple of minutes, and then it’s back to the Porn Convention. My wife will be none-the-wiser. 
 
 
HOLY SHIT! A TRANSPARENT LAPTOP?!!!!! That’s f*cking amazing! I’ve been turning my computer around, taking a picture with a webcam, and then setting that as my desktop background to simulate a transparent laptop for, like, 2 years or so! This will totally save me the trouble of having to do that everytime I rearrange something on my desk!  I’ve got to get more information on—-NO! I can’t get sucked in to CES! I came here to attend the Porn Convention, and that’s what I’m going to do.  Oh look, there’s Sasha Grey.
 
 

 
Aw, shit! Look at that badass ipod deck that Sasha is standing next to! It looks like an old skool boombox! It’s totally inefficient, over-sized, and basically completely useless, but it looks so f*ckin’ cool! And it can play my ipod! Sweeeeeeet! I wonder if there’s a pre-order list. Oooh! Or maybe there’s some kind of a raffle where I can win an hour at the bar with that boombox! That would be an absolute dream come true! I would have to go back to my hotel room immediately afterwards to masturbate furiously, but it would be the chance of a lifetime.  Hey, that’s world-famous pornstar Kayden Kross.
 
 
She must be over here killing some time before some sort of autograph signing at the AVN’s or some—–OH MY GOD! A POLAR BEAR TV!!!!!!!!
 
 
Alright, screw it. I’m spending the weekend at CES.  I know that I told my wife I was coming out here for the AVN’s.  I also know that I vowed when we got married never to lie to her.  This is going to have to be an exception to that rule. She would be so pissed if she found out that I spent the whole weekend eye-raping cutting-edge consumer electronics instead of staring at some boring-ass pornstars for three days straight.  That’s why she must never know about this.  It’ll be my own little secret, and I’ll keep it ’til the day I —- Oh, shit. This can’t be happening. This can not be for real. It’s got to be a dream. That is my all-time favorite pornstar of all time, Charmane Star…
 
 
…and she’s the only thing blocking my view of the Sony Aquos exhibit! This is the best weekend ever!!!
 

34 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Guy Attending the Porn Convention"

  1. melissa wilson says:

    This is hot videos I have appeared in over 190 films. I love performing for and Cumming with my fans.
    http://camworld.com/pornstars/evelaurence/?nats=NDIxMTQ4NTMuOC4xLjEuMS4wLjAuMC4w
    Porn Star

  2. office jerk says:

    “unwittingly” sure… that’s the excuse i would use too.

  3. Anonymous cHaKK says:

    Not only is it scheduled that way on purpose, the same conference management company owns both events. One group of masterminds makes both events happen and takes the cash of 10′s of thousands of basement dwelling geeks with masturbation addictions. The best part is hundreds of corporations cfos are unwittingly signing off on the CES charges not realizing the events and lectures were squirting contest and watching Nina Hartley ride a sybian

  4. petrafucker says:

    i fucked petra clementson in the basement of her house on boulder

  5. datou says:

    Ngggai tink yooew arw aww wetods

  6. Stick says:

    Oh shit, no way! Thank God, you’re here to point out these sites to me!

  7. jimhl says:

    Beautifu women and handsome men’s blogs can be found on
    ====onenightcupid.com====which is a discreet dating club. Seems she feels lonely now and wrote many blog for this. What
    happened? Or she wants to look for some intimate fun?

  8. zellmerfudd says:

    Sharp Aquos

  9. IAMFROMTHEFUTURE says:

    This was great I just read an article about the how the porn industry is diminishing and they’re convention this year went from taking up 2 entire floors last year to like half a floor this year, and your article just completely confirmed all their concerns.

  10. Big E says:

    I get it, its funny because what man’s wife would let them go out of town for a porn convention? The real story is he went for CES and then spent all his time fapping off to porn stars in the mensroom at the porn convention.

  11. SK says:

    why do you idiots always try to be the FIRST to comment? i see it on every article and i don’t get it. WHO THE HELL CARES WHO COMMENTS FIRST?!

  12. WalrusPimpOfTheSea says:

    He must be the guy in the article, because that asian Charmane bitch is fugly as hell compared to the other two. Is the Asian fever thing still going on with white men?

  13. Charmaine star's cooter... says:

    I think you mean Sharp Aquos. But still, Charmaine’s cooter would good on either.

  14. Philosopher Part 2: Bigger and Blacker says:

    You’re the guy in this article aren’t you?

  15. Nickjaa says:

    You guys are clever. Seriously though, the article was unfunny.

  16. Gomer says:

    You’re a retard too!

  17. Olala says:

    No, he’s correct, that was retarded and so are you.

  18. Gomer says:

    You’re fucking retarded.

  19. Andrew Reese says:

    That was fucking retarded

  20. DonkeyXote says:

    Thanks for pointing out the obvious. It is actually alot funnier now that you mentioned it. Haha

  21. DonkeyXote says:

    NOT!

  22. Takashi Akashi Takahashi says:

    I actually did think it was kind of funny how they had both those large conventions in town at the same time. For those of you wondering, they did share some convention space. Haha

  23. thunderboobies says:

    Druel, from urbandictionary. Your welcome guys.

    1. druel 14 up, 89 down love it hate it

    duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh! I vant to pick my butt! DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH. HOBO. DUUUUUHHDUEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH.
    I LOVE DRUELIN ALLL OVA DA FLOOR BABE!!!!!!!! okay. fart!

  24. pratik says:

    Boobs > polar bear TV.

    But that’s just me.

  25. aPlateOfGrapes says:

    I don’t think someon thought that…

  26. poopants says:

    yah seriously what the hell kind of spelling is druel? its like someon thought they were being smart and instead ended up spelling a word tottally wrong and ruining the entire fucking article.

  27. proofreader says:

    its spelled drool, not “druel,” you bumbling retards.

  28. Dick Clark says:

    Sasha Grey…

    *Druel*

    I like the new spelling, you are the one spelt wrong.

  29. The Doctor says:

    Some brothers like syrup. I prefer jelly.

  30. Brucey says:

    can I suck it with grape jelly or maple syrup?

  31. Dr FingerBang says:

    FIRST

    suck my butthole

  32. denzel says:

    do want to have phone sex yes or no