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Inner Monologue of a Guy on a Blind Date

Shit. I’m early.  I showed up early for a blind f*cking date.  Is that good or bad? I really have no idea what the etiquette is for this type of thing. Should I go in? I shouldn’t go in.  Maybe I should. I dunno.  Johnny set me up on this blind date, and he’s so unpredictable.  Sometimes he’ll bang really hot chicks, but sometimes he’ll also bang sea cows.  It all depends on if this is a friend of one of the hot chicks, or one of the sea cows.  I guess I’ll never know until I get in there and see what’s up.
Okay, she’s not here yet.  That’ll give me some time to decide if I want to go through with this.  If the chick comes in and she looks likes Marlon Brando covered in margarine, I can just go to the bathroom real quick before she sees me and then duck out of here, kick Johnny’s ass later, and pretend like it never happened.  What if she’s hot, though? What if, by some stroke of ridiculous luck, she’s like the hottest chick I’ve ever seen?  What if she’s expecting me to be Marlon Brando covered in margarine?

Shit. I should’ve taken a longer shower.  I should’ve used more deoderant. I should’ve worn a less-gay looking sweater, too.  Maybe I should’ve brought a smart person book with me or something, so she’ll think that I’m smart and interesting. What am I gonna talk about?  Shit. I’m not very interesting. I really should’ve thought about all of this before I agreed to this blind date. Okay, we’ll probably start with a casual conversation.  She’ll ask me normal "getting to know you"-type questions: what I do for work, how long I’ve lived here, where I’m originally from.
Shit. There’s no bigger turnoff than being from Phoenix, Arizona.  I’ll have to work around that.  Maybe I can just avoid the question.  Maybe I can tell her I’m from somewhere else! Yeah, that’s perfect.  I’ll tell her I’m from somewhere else.
Yeah, that’s better.  I’ll tell her I’m from Paris.  But what if she’s from France? Nah, there’s no way that I’d pick the one city that she’s from to use as my bullshit hometown.  What if she is French, though? That would be so hot.  Are French chicks the ones that shave a lot of their pubes, or none of them?  God dammit.  Why can’t I remember these things when it matters most?!  Ah, what’s it matter anyway? She’s already 7 minutes late. She probably got freaked out and decided to bail on—–
—-Son of a Bitch. I’m gonna kill Johnny.

24 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Guy on a Blind Date"

  1. Sparky the Sun Devil says:

    Hey yeah, I love a man on my side for once. Let’s get undressed and wrestle each other. Go ASU!

  2. Jim Woods says:

    Blind dates are scary dude. No way no how.


  3. EGON says:

    I too am from phoenix, i agree with Sparky the Sun Devil……. FUCK YOU HIPPIES! and as always go fuck yourselves

  4. Ralph's Wonder Mama says:

    i just chipped one out thinking about a donkeyxote wonderllama hybrid. it would be stupid ugly and belch venereal diseases

  5. DonkeyXotee says:

    Damn, I might even turn straight for a piece of that. Her tits go almost as far out as her sweet, sweet belly. I would wreck that chick

  6. DonkeyX0tee says:

    nope, changed my mind. i’m still gay

  7. Ralph the Wonder Llama says:

    They really need a gun so they can end their miserable lives spent jerking off in their parents basements and pretending to be more than one person so they dont feel so alone.

  8. Kris says:

    Agreed. I think Arizona’s great, but Detroit or Atlanta need to be nuked off the face of the earth.

  9. pratik says:

    But where will Robocop kick all kinds of ass in the future if Detroit is gone?

  10. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Future Detroit is already gone, have you been there, it looks like a fucking war-zone, stupid!

  11. Jethro Tull says:

    Phoenix isn’t that bad. being from Detroit should be the turn off.

  12. Tuco says:

    Phoenix is the capital of inbred dipshits…………..so glad Im from california

  13. Sparky the Sun Devil says:

    Fuck you dipshit! That’s why California is going bankrupt, and Arizona was auctioning of San Quentin Prison, oh wait… that was also California. Why the hell would anyone that isn’t living of the state or is in fact a progressive live in a wildfire, earthquake, mud-slide, tsunami prone hell-hole whos tax rate puts Europe to shame? GO BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO YOU MARXIST PIECE OF SHIT!

  14. Baba Flow-hai says:

    I moved to AZ from CA for a job and now I want to shoot myself in the eye. Every single day. So fuck Arizona, fuck cactus, fuck fake bougie scenes, and fuck you, you dumb ASU second-rate fake degree loving asslicker.

  15. Sparky the Sun Devil says:

    Really, is that why people are running away from California towards Arizona, Go read a newpaper and get your facts straight faggot!

  16. Tuco says:

    Good call redneck………thats why you can buy a mansion there for $150K….who wants beaches, great weather, educated people and hot chicks………..too bad you cant afford to live here………enjoy your desert dipshit

  17. SuckItZonies says:

    How many Zonies aspire to move to California? Just check out the parking lot at the beach on a long weekend, just an ocean of ‘Grand Canyon State’ plates as far as the eye can see. As for the beach it self? Sock tans from Imperial Beach to Santa Barbara. I HATE Zonies as much as Zonies hate wide spread literacy, and the refrigeration of food. There is a reason God put his ass crack in AZ. If AZ is so great STAY THE FUCK IN ARIZONA. Anyways… I’m off to enjoy the ocean breeze :-)

  18. harybutts says:

    who else nutted?

  19. pookie says:

    that chick is hot

  20. Alektra Blue's Training Partner says:

    First fuckers

  21. Res says:

    Yes sir, you are the winner. On the internet. Of the internet.

  22. Djouf says:

    Im really going to enjoy my chinese take-a-way tonight!

  23. jethro says:

    i’m glad i’m out of phoenix….

  24. Guinea Pirate says:

    Better order “extra” bread to the table…………..