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Inner-monologue Of A Guy Crapping In A Bathroom Stall At Work

 
Okay, nice, I have the whole bathroom to myself.  Don’t have to worry if any weird noises come out of my as—great someone just came in.  Ugh.  Maybe they just came in to pee.  Nope, passed the urinals.  The stall right next to me?  Really?  You’re actively choosing to put your nose closer to the epicenter of my shit.  Wow.  That’s a good call on your part, asshole.  Okay, just going to very sloooowly push out – dammit, I farted.  It was a little squeaky one though, maybe he thought it was my shoe or maybe didn’t hear it because the stall wall blocked the sound or something.  They probably build them to do stuff like that.  Why wouldn’t they, right?  No, I just heard him take a breath, I think if I can hear him quietly breath, he can hear a loud squeak from my asshole.

 
 
Let’s see, it looks like he’s wearing some older shoes.  He’s probably just a normal dude.  Probably doesn’t care.  Maybe I’ll start peeing, and the sound of my pee will cover up any little farts.  Or, wait, I’ll pee and then I’ll fiddle with the newspaper as I push.  Just time those two things together.  Okay, on three.  One, two, whoa he farted!  Haha, what a loser..   Okay, looks like I’m done, just grab a couple squares of toilet pap- ohmyfuckingod there’s no toilet paper in this stall!
 
 
Why does this happen to me?!  Why the fuck does this kind of stuff happen to me?  I hate this job so god damned much.  I’m not even using my college degree.  This has NOTHING to do with what I studied in college.  I can’t even make a fuggin relationship work – oh, wait, there is toilet paper, it’s just above the empty roll inside the dispenser.  Nice.  Alright, back to work. Wait till I get back to my office and tell everybody some dude farted while I was in the bathroom

28 Responses to "Inner-monologue Of A Guy Crapping In A Bathroom Stall At Work"

  1. Andrew says:

    Do you think if Jesus were alive today would he let the brown train out of the tunnel at full speed or would he wait until someone pushed the air dryer?

  2. Anonymouse says:

    True, except who doesn’t check the toilet paper before? If you have a shit with no paper left, you’re a retard…

  3. Sir Shats Alot says:

    good one.

  4. Anonymous says:

    You forgot the awkward meeting of the two when you leave the stall and both wash your hands. . . always awkward

  5. Harry Balsagna says:

    yep, its called the ‘mens’ bathroom because it’s for ‘men’. the one room at work you can let it all fly, loogs, belches and farts.

  6. Passa says:

    One cubicle. Attractive co-worker is waiting to go after you. Air freshener can’t mask the fetid animal smell. Unemployment suddenly seems like a good idea.

  7. Joe Kerr says:

    Good call, Rorschach.

  8. Denver FTW!!! says:

    My building has like 10 bathrooms including a giant one with a shower downstairs. If the upstairs one has someone in it (there are two stalls) I just go downstairs.

    Its pretty fantastic

  9. Anonymous says:

    wow, normally I just think: Let her rip!!!

  10. todders says:

    There’s no toilet paper above that empty roll…

    ever had a DICK DONUT? (hilarious, but nsfw):

    http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/164

  11. Amber says:

    I love when you guys do the Inner-monologue shit..funny stuff.

  12. Mr. Poopoopachu says:

    It’s a bathroom…where people are supposed to shit, pee, fart, vomit, blow lines, etc. It’s not a mosque or a baby’s nursery. Sit down, get comfortable and make the most of it.

  13. too much bran flakes says:

    OWN the bathroom, make everyone else uncomfortable. Why should you be uncomfortable? Let it go like youre in a contest dood..

  14. Ookla the Mok says:

    I prefer shitting on company time.

    I also enjoy mimicking the sound of strangers farts when in public restrooms. You put a little sass into the reproduction and it sounds like you are making fun of them. They may get pissed off at you but all they know at best is the look of your shoes.

  15. Dave says:

    I am lactose intolerant so when I am bored at work I will eat some cheese or yogurt, let it brew in my stomach and then go make it very uncomfortable for the person in the stall next to me.

  16. Anonymous says:

    such a true thought train

  17. Anonymous says:

    TRUE!

  18. boxetbum says:

    Dude I’m glad I have a unisex bathroom in the back room at where I work “retail place”. I had to use the front bathroom severals time and belive me it was not good. I swat so I have to take off my pant and shoe and just sit on the toilet seat. I feel really shitty every time I hear someone come in and I alway think that they will look under the door to see if anyone is in there. I sometime put my shoes and hang my pant over my shoes so that it look like someone is using the stall. I also cough or play music with my phone so people know that i’m in the stall. True story and thank got for the unisex bathroom… btw I think the unisex bathroom is for the disable but I dont see the disable sign.

  19. Anonymous says:

    wtf weirdo

  20. Anonymous says:

    Happens all the time to me at work.

  21. Pierre says:

    I usually hold it in at work. We only have one stall so it makes it easy. And i giggle inside when disappointed shitters are turned away at the door.

    When someone goes to the urinal and takes their sweet time washing their hands, the buildup can get quite fierce.. I usually try to let it go slowly after they leave but more often than not it just turns into a massive explosion of near-sphincter gasses and bits of poo.

    BLWLBLWLBLPPPHHTBRT.. peewt.

    I can imagine the guy who just left the bathroom stopping in his tracks as he hears the thunder, wondering for a second if i shot myself in the head

  22. Anonymous says:

    i like your sound effects… happens to me too.

  23. Wilford Brimley says:

    The way I see it, everyone knows what goes on in the bathroom. I let it fly just like I was in my own bathroom at home. Actually, I might even go for a little extra volume if someone else is there. But never brag or talk about your wicked awesome poop when you get back to the cubicle. That’s bad form.

  24. Pratik says:

    This is 100% true, especially the “I didn’t even go to school for this” part.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Why do people make this so hard? All you have to do is flush the toilet WHILE you’re pooping, the woosh masks the sound

  26. Buddy Ice says:

    So right you are my friend.

    And get this, in some bathrooms stalls, in the great nation of Japan of course, they have little speaker boxes next to the toilets. You push a button, and digital flushing sound ensues. This way it masks your own sounds and saves the water that is normally wasted from your courtesy flushes. This is not hearsay or rumor; I’ve seen this with my own eyes.

  27. Anonymous says:

    What happens when you’re sitting on an industrial grade toilet and the powerful flush gives you a shit-and-piss-water enema? I have to wait until I’m done, open the stall door, and can take three steps away before I flush.

    Another thing, no matter how awesome my shits are, I always lose the shitting contest. Why is it someone in the office always has machine-gun diarrhea combined with thunder-farts?

  28. TG says:

    ACCURATE