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Inner Monologue of a Guy Sitting Next to a Hot Chick on a Plane

Okay, there’s a fat guy coming down the aisle. Don’t sit here. Don’t sit here. I’m a mean, bad person that’s not fun to sit next to on a plane.  YES! He passed up my row.  Uh oh, a smelly old lady is coming up. Don’t sit here.  I’m a bad man, and I’ll suck out the little bit of life that you have left!  I’ll steal from you! Don’t sit next to me!  YES! I’m totally coming up roses today.  Maybe I have a magical power, where I can deter people with just my thoughts.  That’s kind of a shitty power, but it’s definitely good to know that I may have it. Well, either way, there are only a few chumps left in this boarding line, and then it looks like I’m riding all the way to Chicago in my very own entire Southwest Airlines aisle, which means I’ll be able to stretch out, relax, and—–HOLY SHITBALLS.
 
 
That’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I can’t breathe correctly, that’s how hot she is.  It may also be the ventilation system in this plane. I should ask about that.  If I can get this last fat guy to pass up my row, then I should be able to get her to sit next to me.  Okay, fat guy: don’t sit here. I’m skinny and being near me will just make you feel terrible about yourself for being so god damned fat, and I’ll eat as much food as I can, just because it’ll make you extra hungry and really frustrated, because I’m a bad, bad person who hates you, so don’t sit here!  YES! It worked! This hot chick is all mine.  I’ll just slide over to the middle seat so that she can see there’s space available here.  I can’t be too conspicuous about it, though, otherwise she’ll think I’m some kind of creep who’s trying to get her to sit next to me so that I can chat her up the whole flight and then try to bone her in the bathroom later.  Ooh! I wonder if we’ll bone in the bathroom later!  If we do, I know exactly how we’ll go about it.  If I can get my leg up on the—-OH, F*CK. SHE JUST ASKED ME IF SHE CAN SIT HERE.
 
 
 

Okay okay okay okay okay okay okay Just relax Just relax relax relax relax relax relax relax oh shit I’m totally freaking out right now!  What do I say? What do I do? How should I sit? What should I read? Should I put my headphones on? What if she thinks my music is too loud? What if I have my ipod on shuffle and the Aladdin soundtrack comes on, and she can hear it, and she judges me based on that?!  I WILL NOT LET THE ALADDIN SOUNDTRACK RUIN MY LIFE FOR A THIRD TIME! 
 
 
Okay, I need to just calm down, and take a few deep breaths.  I don’t want to sound like I’m panting though.  What would she think if she sat down next to a dude and he immediately started panting?  That’s pretty creepy.  Okay, I should instigate a conversation.  But what can I say?  I know where she’s going.  I know where she’s coming from.  Also, is it creepy to start a conversation on a plane before it even takes off?  How long should you wait into a flight before you start hitting on somebody?  Is it based on time, or distance?  And is it a percentage of the total time/distance, or is it the same whether the flight is one hour or thirteen hours?
 
 
Aaah, okay!  Here we go.  Ask and you shall receive! Maybe I really am psychic, because things have just been working out today.  The flight attendant is coming by to take early drink orders.  This is perfect fodder for casual conversation.  I’ll just order the same thing as her, and then we can chat about how our in-flight beverage tastes are similar, and then hopefully that will move to us liking the same Xbox games, and then one of us will mention that we really like banging in airplane bathrooms, and it’s off to the races!  She seems like a rum n’ coke kinda girl.  Or maybe she’s a gin n’ tonic gal.  That would be cool too.  Vodka Cranberry? Who the f*ck cares.  They’re all good, and once we’re both drinking, it can’t go anywhere but up. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but this is probably going to be the best flight/airplane sex experience that I’ve ever—-
 
 
…WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?!  DID SHE ORDER A F*CKIN’ CLAMATO?! NO F*CKING WAY AM I HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH A CHICK WHO ORDERED A F*CKING CLAMATO ON A F*CKING PLANE!  ME AND PEOPLE WHO ORDER CLAMATOS GO TOGETHER LIKE CLAMS AND TOMATOES, WHICH IS TO SAY THAT WE DON’T GO TOGETHER AT ALL, SO WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A F*CKING DRINK OF THAT COMBINATION, AND WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU ORDER IT?!!!  GOD DAMMIT! WHY COULDN’T THAT STUPID F*CKIN’ SMELLY OLD LADY SIT HERE SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE STUCK WITH THIS CLAMATO-LOVIN’ BITCH FOR THE ENTIRE PLANE RIDE?!!!  WORST! PLANE RIDE! EVER!
 
….I’ll still bang her in the bathroom if she wants me to, though.

25 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Guy Sitting Next to a Hot Chick on a Plane"

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  2. A. Nell Fisher says:

    Seriously, Dick Chewer, how fucking bad do you have to fail at life to need attention this badly. Oooo, you made us have to scroll all the way down, aren’t you Mr. Big Important Guy. Go pay some guy to suck your stubby little cock, assfuck.

  3. chalms says:

    I fuckin love me some Clamato

  4. Southwest Pilot says:

    Southwest doesn’t serve Clamato… just saying..

  5. yeah says:

    pretty funny…nice job!

  6. break.com staff says:

    HT u fired

  7. w00t says:

    Yes they do shitface.

  8. 'Sup says:

    This is just hilarious. The Aladdin bit in particular was a highlight. I think the anger at the Clamato kind of ruined it though, what guy would react like that. Noone would even care what drink she ordered.

  9. ZeroPissdrunk says:

    First! And this is a complete FAIL, sorry HT, not funny at all

  10. george foreman's cock says:

    shut the fuck up

  11. Sergey says:

    Total FAIL.

  12. Pro Ear Cleaner says:

    This was a fail. Not very funny and they used the same picure three times! they could’nt manage to find a little variety?

  13. Stinky Nutz says:

    This was pretty fucking bad I go with FAIL

  14. Nanananananeenoonana says:

    This was pretty fuckin AWESOME ill go with win you stupid failed abortion cocksucking whore

  15. WHARBLGARBL says:

    HT has just introduced me to the horror of Clamato.
    I’m glad i’m foreign and far away from this drink.
    Sorry, ‘drink’.

  16. ? says:

    Aren’t seats on planes assigned?

  17. most are says:

    but not all

  18. Philosopher's Anus says:

    Not on Southwest, Penis face.

  19. Señor Reacharound says:

    i would’ve sucked the clamato out of her mouth, who cares? I’ve eaten pussy, why not this drink?

  20. Mr. Squishypants says:

    No shit — anybody who would spray his shorts just at the SIGHT of a hot chick would probably still fuck the shit out of her even if she was drinking Rosie O’Donnell’s menstrual blood.

  21. ZeroPissdrunk says:

    damn you philosopher

  22. pratik says:

    You guys do realize there is something worse out there than Clamato, right?

    CLAMATO BEER. That’s right, Budweiser sold its soul to the health-nut crowd and made up this monstrosity of a beverage.

    http://www.rumorsdaily.com/brd/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/dsc05380new.jpg

  23. Mr. Squishypants says:

    What, Budweisurine wasn’t enough of a monstrosity already?

  24. Yankee Crusher says:

    Clamato rules morons!!!! Your weak ass bloody marry drinks you serve South of the boarder are shyte!!!!