Inner Monologue of a Guy Who Accidentally Became The Grill Master at the 4th of July BBQ

July 6th, 2009 | 02:33 pm

Man, I'm getting pretty hungry. We've been standing around drinking beer all afternoon. I wonder why nobody's fired up that grill over there yet. There's the meat, right there on the table. There's the grill. Everything is ready to go, but everyone's just standing around. Am I the only one that's hungry? No, I can't be: there's at least six really fat chicks here. How are they not hungry? Maybe I should just wander over there and cook one of those burgers that I brought. I mean, I brought it, so I should be able to cook it up whenever I want, right? That's a dangerous move, though: I don't want to get stuck manning the grill all afternoon. Okay, if anyone comes over, I'll just tell them it's a grill-it-yourself kind of deal. Maybe nobody will even notice. Let's just throw one little burger on here, cook it up real quick, and get out of here...

....F*CK. It's sizzling like crazy and all the smoke is wafting right into the crowd. Dammit. It smells delicious, too. DAMMIT! Everyone's looking over here now. No, why are you all clapping?! Stop clapping! I'm not the cook, here! No, no, no, don't walk over here! Dammit, it's all the women. I can't just walk away and leave all these starving fat women here. Okay, maybe I'll just cook for the girls. I'll be the hero of the party, and then when another dude gets up here, I'll just hand him the spatula and bail. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Oh, great, why did every dude here pick today to be chivalrous and let the women go first? They know, that's why. They know exactly what I'm planning to do. They're actually laughing at me! Oh, man. All afternoon, all of the dudes at this barbecue have been in an intense standoff, waiting for the other guy to get so hungry that he starts grilling, and I had no f*ckin' idea. I walked right into this. What have I done?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!! Oh, shit, my burger's done.