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Inner Monologue of a Guy Who Has to Use the Bathroom at Ross Dress for Less

Sweet! I got the pillows that I came here to buy.  I could’ve gone anywhere to get pillows, but I chose to come to Ross Dress for Less because they have fancy, brand-name pillows for reasonable prices, and now people will really be impressed by what brand of pillows I have.
Hmm, I kinda have to take a crap.  There’s no way I’m doing that in a Ross Dress for Less, though. Okay, I’ll just make my way to the checkout, then get out of here and find a sanitary bathroom.  Hell, shitting in the bushes behind Ross Dress for Less would be more sanitary than shitting in Ross Dress for Less.  Woah, that’s a pretty long checkout line, though.  Okay, yeah.  This dump is crowning now.  The feces gopher is poking his head out of my asshole.  I’m gonna need to shit very soon.  Even if I can hold it through the checkout line, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to sit down in my car without smooshing the shit all over myself.  I promised myself a long time ago that I would never say this, but: I’m gonna have to drop a deuce in this Ross Dress for Less. There’s a bathroom sign.  I’ll just leave my pillows here in the housewares section, next to these cheap, knock-off decorative African tribal masks that come in a matching three-pack.  Africa must be very proud.  I really don’t even care what condition the bathroom is in. As long as it’s got a hole that I can shit in, I’ll be just—– HOLY SHIT. THERE IS NO GOD. 

It smells like somebody gutted a Piss Monster, and then lit its entrails on fire.  The urinal is just waterfalling onto the floor.  Wait, the urinal’s not even pumping out water! It’s just spurting piss!  What the hell is this place?  It’s like a macabre fun house bathroom from a Nightmare on Elm Street movie!  Okay, focus: just head for the stall.  Of course the toilet is clogged. Why wouldn’t it be?!  It’s f*cking Ross Dress for Less!!  This f*cking place is cursed!  Okay, I’m out of options here: I have to shit in this clogged toilet.  I just won’t flush it.  What, is someone going to complain about it?  What are they gonna say? "Usually the bathroom just smells like someone buried 30 dead hookers right underneath the floor tiles, but now it smells like shit!" The stains on this toilet seat are so large that you can actually see the hepatitis colonies.  There’s, like, little hepatitis cities developing right under my ass as we speak.  I can see little tiny disease-ridden skyscrapers.  Okay, I’ll just have to hover.  Let’s get this over with.  Shit! The clogged-toiled-shit-water just splashed on me!  I can’t worry about that now.  I just have to finish the job, and—there’s no toilet paper.  Of course there’s no toilet paper! It’s Ross F*cking Dress for F*cking Less!  DAMMIT!!  I should’ve just taken a shit in the toy section and blamed it on a kid.

13 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Guy Who Has to Use the Bathroom at Ross Dress for Less"

  1. sirdrinks says:

    I would have went back to the bed and bath section for some “toilet paper”, in this case 300 cnt Egyptian cotton sheets and shit on the floor. They’d eventually be collected by staff and marked down 50%…

  2. dirkdigglerrr says:

    I used to bartend in Ft Liquordale. One night a drunk fell asleep on the toilet in the stall and had his shitty tp still in hand. When awakened he was all sweaty and thoughtlessly wiped his feces all over his face. Screaming shit covered drunks can scare a lot of bar patrons drunk or not. Good Times!

  3. Thomas O'Leary says:

    LMFAO! I love these inner monologue posts.

  4. lala says:

    This exact situation happened to me, only it was at a burger king. The woman in the stall next to me was taking a raging diarrhea. The stall I was in was clogged with a turd that looked like a wooden baseball bat. I had to go on top of that.

    I still have nightmares about that.

  5. Professor Coronopolis says:

    I seriously have a hard time believing anyone would choose to sleep with anything they found in ross. I’m sure those pillows have aids in them

  6. Jbyrdd says:

    fucking awesome!!!! funny ass story… true or not.

  7. duh says:

    all too real! god help us…

  8. Jambalaya says:

    And don’t forget after coming out of the bathroom, the pillows would be gone, dragged off and bought by someone else. This being Ross, there either would be no other pillows like that left on the rack, or the remaining ones would have been drug all over the floor and instead of being white, are now the dirty gray of corpse flesh. You just took a dump in that bathroom for no good reason.

  9. TrillVille says:

    I getting weird looks from a lot of people for laughing so loud. Keep it up, guys.

  10. philosopher says:

    ok, this is hilarious, without a doubt

  11. Grand ayatollah says:


  12. Pierrre says:

    upon realizing there’s no tp, the guy would eventually resort to using his underpants to wipe his ass, attempting to not fall over and smear shit on himself while removing his pants.

  13. Professor Coronopolis says:

    Yea thats pretty brutal. One time in NC I walked into a bathroom and it looked like someone poured a bucket of mud onto the toilet.

    Btw how do people manage to get shit ON the seat? Are they squatting?