Aw, crap. I don’t have my credit card
. I must’ve lost it somewhere last night. Well, looks like Tampico and Sun Chips breakfast from Walgreens
will have to wait. I have to find out what happened last night. Let’s see: what’s the last thing I remember?
Hmm. That doesn’t really help much, but it does explain why I lost my credit card: I got f*ckin’ wasted last night. God, I’m such a d-bag. I hope I didn’t drunk dial my ex-girlfriend. Lemme check my phone history.
Dammit. Looks like I left her 48 voicemails, too. Oh, well. There’s no time for remorse. What I need right now is some serious damage control. I’d better check my card activity online, to make sure that nobody stole my card.
Hmm. Everything looks okay, so far. Go Karts n’ Whores was a blast. I got all of that top shelf jerkoff lotion at Bath & Body Works. That’s going to be a goldmine in the future. I remember drunkenly buying all of my friends food at Beer & Tacos & Sons. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but they’re my 35 closest buds, and they love tacos and beer. On the up-side, it looks like I may have purchased every Girls Gone Wild DVD ever made, so that’s good. I like watching the drunk girls flashing the camera, and then imagining what they looked like when they were crying tears of shame later on, after realizing what they had done. In fact, I think they should make a special Girls Gone Wild DVD specifically for that:
What else is on my credit card statement? Anything that looks particularly suspicious? I know I spent $4,000 at the tie store, because I’m really bad at picking out just one tie. How can you only buy one? What if it doesn’t match all of your shirts?!! Sure, 200 ties might be a little excessive, but everybody has a weakness. Some people can’t resist chocolate cake, or being creepy around kids. I can’t resist buying at least than 200 ties at a time. Oh, shit! I bought season tickets for the Lingerie Football League?!! What a waste of $12.85!
Okay, here’s something that sticks out a little bit: apparently I ordered an Indian bride that cost $78k, not including the plane ticket. That’s a little bit strange, especially since I’m married already. I wonder if my wife will mind. It looks like I got an email confirmation from the Indian Bride Company. I guess I’d better cancel that order. Hmm, I wonder what my bride looks like. Maybe I’ll just click on the profile link in the confirmation email before I cancel it:
HOLY SHIT! I bought a babe! I bought the hottest, most biggest-titted chick in India! Sweeeeeeeeet!! I’ll have to figure out what to do with my wife. She can’t be around when my Indian hottie gets here. Should I kill her? Nah, to difficult and messy. Maybe I can send her on a vacation! Nah, she’ll be too suspicious. Plus, I lost my credit card. I have no way to pay for the plane ticket. Eureka! I’ll just tell my wife she’s the new live-in maid. Sure, we live in a two bedroom apartment, but she’s pretty stupid. She probably won’t even notice a thing.
Oh, shit! Someone’s knocking on the door! It must be my Indian Sex Slave!–I mean,…Indian Bride. Alright, my wife won’t be home from work for another 3 hours. That gives me plenty of time to show this Indian hottie the "lay of the land". Get it? Lay of the land? Okay, I think I look pretty nice. I showered yesterday morning, so I’ll probably seem really fresh and clean, since she’s from dirty, smelly old India. Alright, let’s get this party started!