Inner Monologue of a Guy at Work on Free Donut Day

February 8th, 2010 | 03:59 pm

Hmm, free donuts, huh? I wonder if that means that something bad is about to happen. Like, "Sorry, you're getting laid off. Have a donut." I wouldn't be surprised. Well, anyway, I might as well take one of these babies.

Let's see, there's the chocolate with sprinkles, and there's a chocolate without sprinkles. Well, why wouldn't you choose the one with sprinkles if you have the option? I can't think of a single good reason. This chocolate donut with sprinkles looks totally manhandled, though. Look at this: there's, like, a finger indent on the top of it. It's pretty obvious that somebody just poked their whole finger into this donut. I was probably Dennis in accounting. I f*ckin' hate that guy. Always laughing, and adding things. He knew I was going to narrow it down to the chocolate with sprinkles donut, and he deliberately sabotaged me. What a dickbag! Well, I got news for you, Dennis: I'm not gonna play your game. I'm not taking that donut. What are you gonna do now, Dennis?! What are you gonna do now?!!

Ooh, maybe I'll just have a jelly-filled donut instead. It's always so hard to tell what's in these, though. You have to touch the little leaky hole on the side and then taste your finger to see what it is. I wonder how many people have already done that this morning. Dennis probably has, that dickbag. What a dickbag that guy is. Seriously. Oh, shit, Stacey the receptionist just came into the break room. Holy balls, is she hot. Okay, she's coming over toward the donuts. Don't panic. Stay calm. Try not to sweat. Whichever donut she chooses, I'll choose the same kind. Then she'll think that we have some kind of bond. Yeah, then she'll start to notice me! Oh, that'll be great! In a few years, we'll be married, and have some kids, and live in a cool house and bone each other non-stop, and it'll all be because of this one, singular moment, at the donut table, when I decided to----

What the f*ck?! What the f*ck was that?!!! Did she just tear a piece off of a donut and leave the rest there? You can't do that! You can NOT f*cking do that!! If you choose a donut, you dedicate yourself to that donut, and you eat the whole damned thing! That's just common donut etiquette!! What kind of a donut whore are you, Stacey?!! Forget it! I will not spend the rest of my life with a breakfast pastry slut like that. I deserve better! I deserve....that bearclaw right there. Oh, the bearclaw. It's not as good as the other donuts, but it's always larger. Quantity over quality, that's the bearclaw's game. God dammit. I swear they just bring these free donuts in here to stress us out.