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Inner Monologue of a High School Freshman Attending His First Dance

God dammit.  This clip on tie is not staying put at all.  It’s alright, don’t get caught up in the details.  Just try to enjoy the experience.  I mean, a chick asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.  That’s pretty awesome.  Sure, she’s a little bit pudgy and she has terrifying braces, but she’s a girl.  That’s what’s important.  My friend Neil didn’t even get asked.  He’s here with his f*ckin’ cousin.  That’s just pathetic.  At least I’m better off than him.  I’m nervous, though.  Really nervous. Who the f*ck is Sadie Hawkins, anyway?  Is she just some chick who asked dudes out all the time?  I don’t get it.  She sounds like a floozy whore to me.  Okay, we’re signed in with my geometry teacher who’s running the door.  Maybe I shouldn’t have asked about our homework assignment.  Business is business and pleasure is pleasure.  I’ll remember that for the next dance.  Let’s see what’s going on in the gym.
Hmm.  They did a decent job with the decorations.  I mean, it’s no playboy mansion christmas party, but it’s adequate.  It’s nice that they’re calling us "Stars of the Future", like they have hope in us.  What are they thinking?  Half of the people at this school are complete dumbasses.  They’re gonna grow up to be psycho junkies, and they’re probably going to kill the other half of us.  We have no hope.  We’re not going to be the stars of anything.  Maybe we’ll be the stars of making methlabs in our garages, but that’s it.  Still, it was a nice gesture, though. I’m gonna hit up the snack table real quick before my date cleans the place out.  Let’s see what they’ve got here: cookies, some cupcakes, Shasta soda and some kind of red punch.  Well, you can’t go wrong with a cookie and some punch.  Maybe it’ll calm my nerves a little.  I’m shaking like a leaf.  I’ll get a little punch in me, and a little bit of cookie, and then I’ll be golden.  I’ve been practicing my dance moves, and I think I’m really going to make a good impression on the—–
God dammit.  I f*cking knew I was going to spill punch all over myself.  Okay, don’t panic.  Just try to relax.  Maybe I can just pass this off like it’s part of my suit.  Maybe people will think I’m a coach and my team just won the big game and dumped gatorade all over me. Maybe nobody will notice.  Dammit, it looks like I got my throat slit and I have really watery blood.  Shitballs.  Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now.  It’s really dark in here.  I doubt anyone will even notice.

Well, everyone’s pointing and laughing at me.  It’s probably not about the punch, though.  It’s probably something else about me that they find amusing.  I won’t worry about it.  Oh, my date is in line for pictures.  This is definitely going to be a terrible photo.  I’m less photogenic than Larry King.  This is going to be brutal.  Why do I have to decide on what overpriced picture package I’m going to buy before I even take the picture?  I guess I’ll just go with the cheap one.  I doubt the fat date and I are going to want to remember this night anyway. Okay, we’re up.  Let’s just get this over with.
Alright.  That’s not too bad.  You can hardly see my punch stain.  Whatever.  Hmm.  My date is trying to say something to me, but it’s too loud to hear her, and I can’t read her lips because the f*cking glare of of her metalmouth is blinding me.  Oh, she’s doing a dancing motion.  She must want to dance.  Well, I was planning on trying to avoid this the whole night, but I guess since I’m at a school dance it was pretty much inevitable.  Okay, just remember what mom taught you: don’t step on her toes, stick to the beat, and try to make casual conversation and eye contact.  Also, remember what dad told you: don’t, under any circumstances, get a boner.  Okay, now is a good time to go.  It’s a fast song.  The dance floor is pretty crowded.  I’ll just get her out there, hop around a little bit, and that’ll be that.  No problem—aww, shit.  Are you kidding me?!  They decide to play that Kelly Clarkson Break Away song now? 
F*ck.  Alright, fine.  It looks like I’m slow dancing.  This won’t be a problem.  I know how to do this.  You just have to—–woah.  My date is really hugging up to me tight.  Something weird is going on.  I think her belly fat is rubbing up against my penis.  Hmm.  If she continues to do that, it could potentially cause me to get a—-oh, shit. I’m totally getting a boner.  No no no no no no no no no.  Not now.  Not at the dance.  Not while I’m dancing with a fat chick.  Please, no. Please GOD no.  Okay, okay okay.  Think of non-attractive things:  
SHIT!  This is not working!  How f*cking long is this goddamn song!  This is all your fault, Kelly Clarkson!  I’ll never forgive you for this!  NEVER!!!!!!!

20 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a High School Freshman Attending His First Dance"

  1. chubby chaser says:

    fat chicks wid braces..yum

  2. C. Norris says:

    Holy Shit that was horrible, and you fuckin knew it was gonna be Holy Taco. By the end of writing it, you were having your own inner monologue and it probably went something like this,
    “Holy Shit, what am I doing? This is the biggest waste of time. This shit isnt even funny, but I have already spent so much time on it. Well I gotta produce something… hmmm… I GOT IT!! I’ll somehow throw some pictures of Megan Fox into this. There we go…. hmmm… still not really that much better. Fuck it! I’ll throw in 3! There we go, that should pass the shmuck editor’s shit filter now. Thanks again Megan Fox for saving my job!”

  3. Stick says:

    My first highschool dance, which was in 7th grade, was spent playing a game where the dark tiles were lava…..
    We were an odd bunch.

  4. bruce leroy says:

    C.Norris is a taintmeat samich!

  5. Eatadick says:

    How did he go from wearing a clip-on, to having a real tie, to having a bow tie?

  6. Jersey says:

    Nice! My son’s a freshman this year so I can only hope his dance a couple of weeks ago wasn’t this freaking bad!

  7. Fist of Rage says:

    You know why fat chicks get laid?

    Because guys get drunk.

    What did the other fat chick say to the other fat chick?

    Who cares?! They’re fat.

  8. big brit says:

    any reason why his tie was different in every photo?

  9. Anonymousism says:

    They’re gonna grow up to be psycho junkies, and they’re probably going to kill the other half of us haha

  10. House jerk says:

    fuck, compared to the last few this one IS funny! Doing much better Taco site, much better!

  11. George T is a douchebag says:

    OK George, do better.

    I thought it was pretty funny. Well done.

  12. psychopath says:

    who is that between the two picks of Megan?

  13. Anomous says:

    megan fox… google it

  14. psychopath says:

    are your sure? the face is different and so is the complexion

  15. MOWREZ says:

    I had trouble believing it too… but its pretty damn funny

  16. Anomous says:


  17. insideofyou says:

    megan fox!?!?!?!?




    korea 15 – usa 0

  18. A-Hole says:

    Ever wonder why Megan Fox’s mouth is always open? I did that.

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  20. George T says:

    Swear to God, the next funny inner monologue I read will be the first. Jesus fuck.