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Inner Monologue of the Idiot Driving In Front Of You This Morning

Oh my goodness gracious!  Aren’t I just the early bird today?  Well, if I keep going at this zippy pace, I’m going to be early for work today, and I certainly don’t want that.  The next thing I know, they’ll be expecting me to arrive 10 minutes early, and it’s all downhill from there.  I guess I’ll just use this extra time to admire the wonderful architecture of this boring street that I drive down every day.  At 32 miles per hour, it’s impossible to appreciate the lovely buildings otside, but at 17 miles perhour, I can gawk at every one of these non-descript, unimpressive buildings for as long as I want.  Oh, look at that one!  It’s got green trim!  Oh, and that one’s a yoga studio!  How fascinating! Oooh!  Non-descript office buildings!  Life is so much more exciting at 17mph!
That reminds me, I had a wacky thought the other day: do you have to exercise the blinkers on a car?  You probably do.  That’s why the blinkers never work on those old cars you find in the junkyard.  My drive to work is pretty much a straight shot, and I hardly use my blinkers at all to begin with.  I should probably use this morning drive time to give them a little bit of exercise, so that they don’t get bored and leave me like my ex-husband Stanley did.  Here’s a little work out for you, right blinker.  How does that feel?  Refreshing? Invigorating?  Oh, the lights changed.  Time to drive again!  You keep working out while I—-well, that’s strange…

I think they must have changed the shade of green on this traffic light.  It used to be more of a Kelly green, but now it looks like it’s more toward the end of the green spectrum.  Let’s see, I think I have a color swatch somewhere in here, from when I repainted the laundry room to make the cats happy.  Where is that swatch?  Is it in the glove compartment? No, it’s not in the glove compartment.  Is it in the center console?  No, it’s not in here either.  Where could that darned swatch be?  Maybe it’s in the seatback pocket.  I know it’s in here somewhere, I just know it.
Oh, golly gosh!  Sounds like someone’s having a carhorn party behind me!  Well, don’t get too cranky back there Mr. Man!  We’re not in any hurry this morning.  We’re all running early, remember?  I’ll get moving just as soon as I find this color swatch and determine exactly what shade of green the lights have turned to, because I’m going to have to call the city later and tell them that–oh, here’s my swatch!  Right in the built-in sunglasses holder where I left it!  Now let’s see here—oh, balderdash!  The light’s turned back to red again.  Wouldn’t you know!  Well, that’s okay.  It’ll be green again soon, and I’ll have plenty of time to compare it to my swatches.  In the meantime, I’m gonna blast some Goo Goo Dolls!

28 Responses to "Inner Monologue of the Idiot Driving In Front Of You This Morning"

  1. sasha says:

    Actually it’s more like, I’m doing 60 in the workzone, and crap here comes some POS up on my rear bumper, scaring me half to death at 5 am so I slow down just because there are three other freaking lanes, he passes in his big old redneck truck, and oopsie there’s those blue lights–I hope he enjoys that $500 ticket and um I guess wherever he was going in such a hurry–He’s late!!

  2. Beanface says:

    I find it ironic that the picture is one of a Utah driver. Worst drivers in america i swear to god.

  3. Birdman 45 says:

    Those damn old people need to have their license and keys taken away from them.

  4. Anonymous says:

    You obviously haven’t been to New Mexico..Now they’re the worst!

  5. Your Mother says:

    You obviously haven’t been to Ohio either. My Dad told me that the roads were terribly confusing and the drivers were terrible, but I didn’t believe him. Then I took a road trip through Ohio…DAMN those people can’t effin’ drive!!

  6. ghett0n00dles says:

    Dear writer, please learn the differences between “comedy” and “stupidity”, as well as “well-written” and “tripe”…

  7. Common Sense says:

    Yeah well then they would need government assistance for food, prescriptions, doctor visits, etc. Would you feel the need to complain about that too? Grow up.

  8. NatGen says:

    Better to keep them off the roads and getting people killed than to pay for them to have assistance, wouldn’t you say so?

  9. CAROLYN SWEET says:


  10. EPIC-SAWCE! says:

    this article is amazingly funny… i couldn’t stop laughing

    anyone else notice it was a woman driver??? LOL…

    women fail

  11. EPIC-SAWCE! says:

    yeah… or “ghettonoodles” will get pissed again…

    nobody wants that -_-

  12. WHARBLGARBL says:

    I’m deep ladies, watch me ponder.

  13. Moony Anus says:

    You mean your vagina is deep? And “ponder” somehow means to insert a tampon?

  14. Fringe says:

    is she really this stupid, or just being sarcastic?

  15. Fringe = Philosopher says:


  16. WHARBLGARBL says:

    Cause you’ll get your end wet?

  17. Detroitdriver says:

    I swear every morning there’s an old lady driving at the front of all the traffic on the freeway. I am going to find her one day and all will be well with the world.

  18. Grandma Ruby says:

    y’all are just pissed because you took the time to read this, and it wasn’t as howlingly funny as you would have wanted. Get over yourselves. It was OK. Now, I need to stop texting and get back to driving, because lots of drivers are honking and waiving at me! They all seem to be saying “You’re number one! You’re number one!” My, they are so friendly this morning! Maybe I should drive 17 miles an hour EVERY morning!

  19. Towelie says:

    When I read this I couldn’t help but picture Sarah Palin as the narrator.

  20. Bosco says:

    Whenever I picture Sarah Palin, I picture her naked. Oh, by the way, Fuck You Towelie!

  21. Agent037 says:

    This stupid shit made barf

  22. Nick says:

    “from when i repainted the laundry room to make the cats happy” Nice

  23. First says:

    FIST in your face

  24. fourteenlines says:

    Well hoo-ray for your one and only accomplishment.

  25. 50 cent says:

    good job asshole, no go finger fuck your mother

  26. carotid kraus says:

    i’d ride your asshole, i’d go 45 in your 35, if you know what i mean

  27. Philly Girl says:

    I normally drive quickly, but when i’m driving slow its usually because i’m looking for a st. in a place i’ve never been before and/or i’m being “slow” in comparison to the traffic just because I drive a red sports car and I don’t want a ticket.
    The general monologue is more like, “oh crap….where is that street? I bet the people behind me hate me. I’m sorry dude!!! OH here it is! Now i’ll get out of your way!”
    “Just because you want to go 45 in the 35 doesn’t mean you have to RIDE MY BUMPER YOU ASS HOLE.”

    Yeah. That’s about it.

  28. BrainDead says:

    not clever.