Oh, god. These f*cking Oscars
shows are so goddamn long. I’m glad I decided to only make one movie every ten years for the rest of my life. Why do I have to sit through this whole f*cking awards program with these lowlife Hollywood
scum? Can’t they just mail me the awards
, let me take the ones I deserve, and then I’ll just send back the worthless ones? Sound design? Who the f*ck cares about that one. I’ll just pull the Best Picture, Best Screenplay, and Best Director Oscars out, and then I’ll scratch the title off of another one of them and write "Best Balls in Hollywood" on it.
Oh, great. Here come the clowns that are hosting this clusterf*ck: Cheaper By The Dozen Guy and Mr. Hulu Commercial. What a waste of money those guys are. They could’ve just made a CGI host for twice as much. They should’ve done that. I totally could’ve helped. Then I would’ve gotten an Oscar for "Best Animated Oscar Host Ever". That would’ve been sweet. Oh, they’re making fun of people now. Boy, these Bruce Valanch jokes never get old do they? Oh, wait, yes they do. It happened in 1991. I can’t wait to see what they say about me. If I’m even remotely offended, I’m gonna pull this gun out of my pocket and just shoot the shit out of both of them. After all, why take a gun everywhere if you never use it? Who’s gonna say anything? I’m James f*cking Cameron! I’m about to win Best Picture again! These hacks don’t have anything on me.
Oh, I get it. That’s clever. You see, they’re looking at me through 3D glasses because my movie, the soon-to-be winner of the Best Picture Oscar, was in 3D. That’s really hilarious. It must’ve taken their crack team of joke writers upwards of 2 1/2 minutes to come up with that zinger. Geeze, do they pay these morons with tugjobs? Where do they get these senseless idiots? I show up at the Oscars sporting this ridiculous homo surfer haircut, and they make fun of my 3D movie? What a bunch of jagoffs. Oh, shit. They said Avatar. What did they say it for? Was it me? Is it me? Oh, my wife is telling me no, that I should just keep sitting here and playing my PSP. Okay, cool.
…………..What the f*ck was that?
Mo’nique only won because she ate her competition. That dress makes her look like a blue minivan full of frosting and blubber. Okay, Fatty, hurry up and get your stupid empowering speech out of the way so we can get to my award time. We all know what you’re gonna say: "I’d like to thank cupcakes, and Taco Bell Gorditas and f*ckin’ Dolly Madison for giving me a way to become a fatass, blah blah blah (eating noises)." Okay, it looks like they got all that stupid actor shit out of the way. Now it’s on to the James Cameron portion of the show. And the Oscar for Best, Most Awesome, Highest Grossing, Most Expensive and Elaborate Movie in the History of the World goes to: