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Inner Monologue of January Jones on SNL

Oh my goodness. I’m so excited to be hosting SNL!  Most of my previous work involves either standing still while someone takes my picture, or playing an incredibly under-enthusiastic wife in a dramatic TV show, so it makes perfect sense that they would choose me to host Saturday Night Live, America’s most consistently disappointing comedy program.  Well, the guy with the ridiculous announcing voice is calling my name.  It’s time for me to go on stage for the opening monologue!  Hooray! This is almost as exciting as that time when I awkwardly squeezed a tiny shark and someone took a picture of me!
 
 
Okay, I’m on stage now.  SNL has been dressing their female hosts like total sluts all season, so I decided to dress in an incredibly un-sexy shirt and pants that covers most of my attractive figure, and put my hair up in a ratty, un-sexy bun, so that I don’t look attractive at all.  That’ll show the viewing audience how classy I am.  All I have to do now is speak clearly and avoid flubbing my lines, and America will be putty in my soft, warm, sensual hands.
 
 
Aw, shit.  I stumbled over my relatively simple, incredibly un-funny, wikipedia-esque lines twice.  That’s definitely considered a rocky start.  That’s okay, I’ll just get to the hilarious opening monologue jokes, and win the audience back again.  Hmm, that’s strange. I talked about how I’m on Madmen, and nobody even laughed.  Maybe I threw them off when I flubbed the beginning of my line.  Oh, well.  At least the guys who are dressed up as Madmen fanatics will get big laughs when they ask me relatively mundane questions that I answer seriously.  Hmm, that’s weird.  Nobody really thought that was funny, even when they sang three lines that they made up for the lyrics of the Madmen theme song, and then just stopped instead of taking 15 minutes to write lyrics for the rest of the song. Well, that’s okay.  I may not have won them over with the monologue, but this first sketch is sure to bust their guts wide open!
 
 

Okay, here it goes.  It’s Kristen Wiig as a crazy female character saying ridiculous, nonsequitor things again! And she’s doing it for 12 straight minutes! Hilarious!  Oh, and here comes my part in the script, which was clearly written in just because the sketch had to contain the host.  Okay, January, get into character: you’re a person who works with animals and has brought them to the show to teach people about wildlife.  Just don’t flub your—-F*CK. I totally flubbed my line again.  I literally had two f*cking sentences to say in this sketch, and I f*cking flubbed it.  God dammit.  People watching at home are probably wondering how I even got work as an actress in the first place.  My performance on this show is probably just solidifying the suspicion that they’ve had all along: that I am a pretty face and absolutely nothing more than that. At all.  Well, that’s okay, we’ll get them for sure with the next hilarious sketch.
 

 

Okay, we’re just about to come back from a commercial, so I’ll just review what’s going on in this next scene real quick: I’m a girl who works at a Dairy Queen. I say five lines, and they’re all very normal and not funny at all.  The real focus in this sketch is Kristen Wiig, though, because—get this—she’s a crazy female character who says ridiculous, nonsequitor things all the time!  It’s so funny, right?!  Aw, shit, I fucked up every single one of my five lines.
 
 
Oh, this next sketch is my favorite one of all.  In this sketch, I play the beautiful actress Veronica Lake on the set of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, and get this: I fart a whole bunch!  Isn’t that hilarious?! It’s exactly the kind of humor that professional writers working for the nation’s premiere comedy television program should be churning out!  Fart jokes!  Y’know, the kind that a stoned 14-year old comes up with! Hilarious!  Oh, shit.  I totally fucked up my lines in this one, and I just blatantly started laughing in the middle of the scene for no clear reason.  I look retarded right now. Well, at least they didn’t miss any of the fart cues.  Oh, wait, I guess they missed the first one that sets up the entire premise of the sketch.  Well, that’s okay, I’m sure it’ll still make sense.  Plus, I’m so pretty!
 
 

17 Responses to "Inner Monologue of January Jones on SNL"

  1. Sunday Brown says:

    I know January Jones flubbed a couple of her lines, but come on folks, relax–cut her some slack. There is a lot of pressure on live television…besides, I think she totally made up for it during that sketch, “Ladies Guide to party planning.” I mean the politically incorrect yet accurate portrayal of women and ethnic group status was a scream!

  2. Throbbin' Hood says:

    Huh. SNL is still on?

    *yawn*

    *huge fart*

  3. daym says:

    Spot on, HT.
    She was one of worst hosts in the history of the show.

  4. Laffo. says:

    Two words Michael Phelps.

  5. pinkycreep@yahoo.com says:

    Usually SNL is an alright show, but she was one the worst hosts I have ever seen. I actually shut it off about halfway through the show

  6. asdasdasd says:

    lol. the writer(s) of this article clearly does not understand the show at all. lol again. trying to write jokes about stuff and not understanding the way it works.

    also, good job advertising Hulu, SNL, and Madmen all at once.

  7. aPlateOfGrapes says:

    Yes, I’m sure HT was paid handsomely for portraying SNL as

    “…America’s most consistently disappointing comedy program.”

    You can’t pay enough for reviews like that.

  8. WTF says:

    Veronica Lake wasn’t in Rear Window, it was Grace Kelly.

  9. Erin says:

    You expect these people to know the difference? Your giving them far too much credit.

  10. Honestly says:

    Yeah that’s pretty pathetic that they didn’t even know who Grace Kelly is. That’s beside the fact in the sketch they openly say her name.

  11. Napoleon says:

    Many, many times they say “Grace Kelly”

  12. Concerned Citizen says:

    Um, guys, this is supposed to be HER inner monologue so I’m pretty sure they flubbed the name on purpose.

  13. Chuck says:

    Jesus Christ she was bad.

  14. H1N1 says:

    She was brilliant, humorous, generous, and crack a smile sometimes. This image of abundant emotions, absoulutely outpace her “HR manager, Monthly income over $10,000 ” life tag image. Express your emotion in ★★★S ugarl oves- c+ om★★★ , let youself, life change to a poetic picture. A woman like that always reversed all sentient beings, got the love of whole world man.

  15. stevegoz says:

    I want to think that the final skit — in which Jones played the most obtuse woman on earth — was the writers’ way of mocking her, but that might be giving the writers too much credit.

    Someone watches SNL live? I started recording it in college back in 1990. Made for a good 20-minute watch on Sunday afternoon.

  16. Apfelbaum says:

    Fuck hulu’s 30 second commercials.

  17. nerd says:

    Yeah, they suck. You can play all videos at once though and just pause them afterward so you can be thoroughly disappointed by the videos. That way you save time, all the commercials conflict, and you can’t figure out what they are saying. Entertainment trumps advertising once again.

    Andy Samburg is still funny, but that’s about it. They need to feature him more.