Oh my goodness. I’m so excited to be hosting SNL! Most of my previous work involves either standing still while someone takes my picture, or playing an incredibly under-enthusiastic wife in a dramatic TV show, so it makes perfect sense that they would choose me to host Saturday Night Live
, America’s most consistently disappointing comedy program. Well, the guy with the ridiculous announcing voice is calling my name. It’s time for me to go on stage for the opening monologue! Hooray! This is almost as exciting as that time when I awkwardly squeezed a tiny shark
and someone took a picture of me!
Okay, I’m on stage now. SNL has been dressing their female hosts like total sluts all season, so I decided to dress in an incredibly un-sexy shirt and pants that covers most of my attractive figure, and put my hair up in a ratty, un-sexy bun, so that I don’t look attractive at all. That’ll show the viewing audience how classy I am. All I have to do now is speak clearly and avoid flubbing my lines, and America will be putty in my soft, warm, sensual hands.
Aw, shit. I stumbled over my relatively simple, incredibly un-funny, wikipedia-esque
lines twice. That’s definitely considered a rocky start. That’s okay, I’ll just get to the hilarious opening monologue jokes
, and win the audience back again. Hmm, that’s strange. I talked about how I’m on Madmen
, and nobody even laughed. Maybe I threw them off when I flubbed the beginning of my line. Oh, well. At least the guys who are dressed up as Madmen
fanatics will get big laughs when they ask me relatively mundane questions that I answer seriously. Hmm, that’s weird. Nobody really thought that was funny, even when they sang three lines that they made up for the lyrics of the Madmen theme song, and then just stopped instead of taking 15 minutes to write lyrics for the rest of the song. Well, that’s okay. I may not have won them over with the monologue, but this first sketch is sure to bust their guts wide open!
Okay, here it goes. It’s Kristen Wiig as a crazy female character saying ridiculous, nonsequitor things again! And she’s doing it for 12 straight minutes! Hilarious! Oh, and here comes my part in the script, which was clearly written in just because the sketch had to contain the host. Okay, January, get into character: you’re a person who works with animals
and has brought them to the show to teach people about wildlife. Just don’t flub your—-F*CK. I totally flubbed my line again. I literally had two f*cking sentences to say in this sketch, and I f*cking flubbed it. God dammit. People watching at home are probably wondering how I even got work as an actress in the first place. My performance on this show is probably just solidifying the suspicion that they’ve had all along: that I am a pretty face and absolutely nothing more than that. At all. Well, that’s okay, we’ll get them for sure with the next hilarious sketch.
Okay, we’re just about to come back from a commercial, so I’ll just review what’s going on in this next scene real quick: I’m a girl who works at a Dairy Queen. I say five lines, and they’re all very normal and not funny at all. The real focus in this sketch is Kristen Wiig, though, because—get this—she’s a crazy female character who says ridiculous, nonsequitor things all the time! It’s so funny, right?! Aw, shit, I fucked up every single one of my five lines.
Oh, this next sketch is my favorite one of all. In this sketch, I play the beautiful actress Veronica Lake on the set of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, and get this: I fart a whole bunch! Isn’t that hilarious?! It’s exactly the kind of humor that professional writers working for the nation’s premiere comedy television program should be churning out! Fart jokes! Y’know, the kind that a stoned 14-year old comes up with! Hilarious! Oh, shit. I totally fucked up my lines in this one, and I just blatantly started laughing in the middle of the scene for no clear reason. I look retarded right now. Well, at least they didn’t miss any of the fart cues. Oh, wait, I guess they missed the first one that sets up the entire premise of the sketch. Well, that’s okay, I’m sure it’ll still make sense. Plus, I’m so pretty!