Man, what the f*ck is this shit?! Fourth row at the VMA’s? This is ridiculous. My music video is one of the five videos that got nominated for everything tonight! I should be front row, baby! Instead they got those attractive models sittin’ up there, lookin’ pretty, givin’ this English scarecrow guy with the tight pants somethin’ to stare at. Man, that should be me sittin’ up there in the front. I’m what the people came to see! I’m what they’re tunin’ in for! Boy, I’m sure glad I went and got this random Nazca Lines haircut. I think it’s really workin’ for me, and I don’t care what the barber said, it definitely doesn’t make me look like an extra from Apocalypto.
What’s up with Lady Gaga? Why is she wearin’ a f*ckin’ mask? Did she get burned by acid? I bet she got burned by acid. That’s so sad. I should write a song for her. It’ll be pretty easy, I think. There’s lots of words that rhyme with acid: flacid, acid, plastic. There’s tons of words that rhyme with Gaga, too: mama, papa,…hmm, maybe there’s only two words that rhyme with Gaga. Well anyway, it’ll be a great song. I’m gonna call it Oh No, Lady Gaga, You Got Burned With Acids! It’ll be a hit. I’ll totally win a spaceman for it next year, and I’ll get up there to make the speech and I’ll be like, "I wanna thank whoever splashed acid on Lady Gaga’s face for givin’ me the inspiration." And people will be like, "Kanye! We love you! We all wanna pay attention to you!" It’ll be great. And then Lady Gaga will be all like, "Oh, Kanye, please f*ck me!" or however they say that in England, but then I’ll be all like, "Lady Gaga, go put on a beekeeper suit so nobody sees how ugly you really are." And then everybody will be like, "Ooooohhhhhhh!!!!!". Awesome.
Oh, the Scarecrow guy is getting ready to announce the first award. Okay, the white chick won. I don’t even know who that chick is. Let’s see: the MTV dude who gave me the bottle of Hennessy told me to "do something ‘Tweet-worthy’ right at the beginning of the show, because otherwise this would be the most boring award show on the face of the planet, because there’s only five videos that were nominated for everything, and only five awards are being given out, and on top of that, MTV really isn’t known for music videos anymore, and the majority of the audience has probably heard all of these songs on the radio, but most of them have never actually seen the music video, and certainly not on MTV." I wonder what that means. Well, I guess I can get onstage and say something rude to that gangly white girl. I mean, the MTV guy said they’d be sure to spread the pictures around of me getting wasted, so probably everyone will just be like, "oh, that crazy Kanye. He was just drunk as sh*t! What a wacky, possibly semi-retarded character he is!"
Oh, I got it: I’ll say something about Beyonce, so that way when Beyonce wins at the end, she can give her time to the gangly white chick, who will conveniently be standing just backstage with a microphone, ready to come on. Beyonce will win the grand prize and look like a classy broad, which is great because she’s starting to fall out of the limelight a little bit now that everyone’s realized that all her songs sound exactly the same, and the gangly white girl will get a dramatic moment to shine. I’ll take the fall, because I’m the retarded clown-prince of hip-hop, and everything will work out just fine……………..right?