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The Inner Monologue of Lebron James Deciding Which Team to Sign With

Decisions, decisions.  I’ve been waiting for this day my entire life, and now, I can’t make up my mind.  My conscious tells me I should stay in Cleveland.  The rest of me tells me that Cleveland is a hell hole that should be sold for scrap metal.  I mean, other than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, what the hell has Cleveland ever had going for it?  And until they induct AC/DC, screw them.  So what else?  That Huey Lewis song?  Huey Lewis.  Huey Lewis ain’t keeping me in Cleveland, no matter how hard he tries.  So don’t try it, Lewis! 

Holy shit, Huey Lewis is totally on the phone right now.  Maybe my assistant is joking.  Nope, Cleveland is really trying to recruit Huey Lewis and the News to keep me in Cleveland.  I’m embarrassed for you, Cleveland.  Do I look like I enjoy the pop music stylings of Huey Lewis and the News?  Now Chicago, there’s a band.  Peter Cetera, such a voice.  That "Glory of Love" song?  Totally made Karate Kid 2 worth it.  Totally.  I’d go see the new Karate Kid if they could just get some Peter Cetera in the movie.  I bet Will Smith’s asshole kid is all over that soundtrack.  I’ll crane kick the shit out of that kid for cockblocking my quality time with Peter Cetera and Chicago.

Speaking of Chicago, that’s always an option.  Derrick Rose, Luol Deng, that chick who used to play for Florida.  Nice squad, I could build something around that.  But damn if it isn’t cold in Chicago.  I hear the chicks are nice.  You wouldn’t know it looking at those cheerleaders of theirs, but still, I’ve heard otherwise the chicks are nice.

But damn, I’ll always be the second best player in Chicago.  Nobody can top Jordan.  Did you see Spacejam?  Bugs Bunny doesn’t give a shit about me.  I don’t want to be number two to anyone.  You don’t hear people calling me the second coming of Craig Ehlo, do you?

Maybe I should go to New Jersey.  Jay-Z and that Russian guy are both loaded.  I might never win a championship in New Jersey, but I’d get to be in a Jay-Z video for sure.  Hell, maybe I could even record an album.  That worked for Shaq.  He recorded all kinds of rap albums.  Man, they were awful.  You know why?  He didn’t have Jay-Z and a Russian billionaire on his side.  He was working the Fu-Schnickens.  That’s gay.

I wonder if I’d get to meet Springsteen if I go to New Jersey?  That would be badass.  He’s no Peter Cetera, but still, The Boss.  He’s a legend.  He’s like the Jay-Z and a Russian billionaire of white people music.  I bet he’d play guitar on my album.  But what if he’s busy and I end up with Bon Jovi on my album instead?  Man, screw that noise.  Bon Jovi is for assholes.  You think I’m an asshole, Jay-Z?  You expect me to just record with Bon Jovi because you offer me a max contract?  N to the izzo.  I will not play with Bon Jovi!
I guess I’ll just split the difference and play for the Knicks.  But I don’t know.  The Knicks haven’t won a damn thing since Phil Jackson was in the starting lineup rocking nut huggers and an even more lustrous mustache.  What if I get there and they still blow?  And Spike Lee, he’s no Jay-Z.  Like I want to chat with that tool every damn day.  Man, I don’t know what to do.  I need some advice.  I wonder if my assistant can get me Brett Favre’s phone number?  Now that guy knows how to make a decision. 

11 Responses to "The Inner Monologue of Lebron James Deciding Which Team to Sign With"

  1. hehe says:

    Man this was a lame ass article. I couldn’t even finish it. Lebron doesn’t know about all these random white singers. He’s also already been in a Jay-z music video. I bet there’s more crap in this article but I ran out of toilet paper.
    An inner monologue is supposed to give us a funny perspective from the mind of the person of interest while mocking it and providing jokes. What makes these articles better is if we can picture the person thinking these thoughts.
    Your turd (as we’ll now refer to it) failed to do that. It felt like I was reading some random white guy with no knowledge about basketball or anything, not actually the thoughts from Lebron James.
    Please wipe this turd from the site and maybe I’ll forgive you. That is all.

  2. Sareh says:

    Hahaha dude I’m glad I scrolled down to look at the comments, best thing I’ve read all day!

  3. Flying Saucer says:

    Its the clever use of absurdity that makes it funny (ostensibly). That you think they are serious about the white singers thing shows that you are smart as a bag of hammers. Comedy (even if its not knee slappin’ quality) requires some marbles to be on board. It wasn’t that you didn’t think it was funny, it was that you were unclear about the intent and the confusion angered you. You fairy.

    When I watch hoops with friends, I notice way more idiots. I wish it was Soccer that got that award.

  4. Netsy says:

    “My conscious tells me I should stay in Cleveland.”

    It’s good to know that The Bron is conscious. I wonder how his conscience feels about it.

  5. Anonymous1 says:


  6. DonkeyXote says:

    Wowzers! That chick up there has some MEAN POWER thighs. You’d have to wear suspenders while fucking her else she might send you crashing into the ceiling!

  7. Dr POoPenHEiNZ says:

    thanx for that inside tip on banging your mom
    btw go bulls bitches !!!!!!

  8. MoFlagsMoHos says:

    #1 Nets stadium aint built yet, he’s not going there.

    #2 There isn’t enough crack for him to play on the Knicks. Besides, he’s actually healthy and can walk without a cane. Knicks is for retirees, without the shuffleboard.

    #3 He’ll stay in Cleveland for like 2 years, then go to Jersey aka Brooklyn, and be all up in the Jay Z vodka pussy machine.