Ugh, I’m so tired. I can’t believe that asshole Tim Jenkins passed off his report to me. It’s his friggin report! I just sent him some data he needed, and now suddenly – whoa, wife just grabbed my penis. Was that on purpose or did she just roll over and her hand bumped into it on accident? Nope, purpose, she grabbed it again. I guess we’re gonna have sex. Only when she wants too, of course. I should just say no right now, show her how it feels to want to have sex and not get to. Yep, I’m not even going to react to – I have a boner! NICE! Alright, let’s see here, what’s standard foreplay I have to go through before I can stick it in.
. It’s been so long I can hardly remember. Okay, um, kiss her neck, squeeze her boob. Man, her boob is really flopping over to the side. When did that happen? It’s like somebody poured some oatmeal on her chest and it’s starting to run off and – uh oh, boner going away. Think about that new receptionist at work who’s g-string always hangs out and the time she bent down to pick up her day planner in front of me and Tim Jenkins. Fuckin Tim Jenkins dude, trying to pass off his friggin report to me when all I – shit, how long has my mouth been on my wife’s tit not moving? Okay, focus here, focus. Okay, going to the fingers, let’s get this party started a little quicker. Jesus, when was the last time she shaved? I think I found Osama Bin Laden. Ha, I gotta tell the guys at work I thought that.
Hmm, then they’ll know my wife has an unkempt vagina. Maybe I’ll tell them my friend thought that about his wife. But then I guess I won’t get credit for – uh oh, losing my boner. New receptionist’s g-string, new receptionist g-string. Okay, here we go, putting it in the old vajayjay. Aaaaaand we’re in. Whoops, not in, not in, wrong area. I don’t know why that’s the wrong area, why CAN’T we have anal? Every time I bring it up she acts like it’s an insult. I like steak but I don’t want to eat steak every fuckin day, right? Alrighty, and we’re in. Let’s roll out of this missionary and get into some doggystyle. Okay, looks like she’s not having that. Missionary it is. What was that sound? Is that the kids? Great, now an image of my six year old son popped into my head.
. I can’t believe how much they wanted me to pay to send his ass to camp. He’s six, give him a fuckin ball and point him at a wall. Losing boner, okay, focus, focus, let’s just power through this. Aaaaaand I came. Okay, sleep time. What does she mean I have to get out of bed and clean myself off?
No win situation. If he pays for her to get new tits she'll be fucking the pool boy within a week. If he tries to tough it out, hes left looking at two floppy flap jacks. Yay marriage.
I turned my ex-gf down for sex one night ( i was tiered and she hadent shaved her legs), she starts trying jerk me off and wont take no for an answer. If i tried that shit shed would have had me arrested for rape. Wemon get pissed if you dont want to put out, but if they dont your just supposed to accept it.
Sex with your wife is a BEAUTIFUL and LOVING expression of the comitment you SHARE. Stop thinking about yourself and think about that lovely woman who has put up with you whiny ass for the past five years and...
she is thinking do I really have to do this? his beer belly is getting in the way..I can't even see it anymore and wow is he hairy and he wants me to go down ?
(26 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
February 17th, 2009 at 06:51 pm
No win situation. If he pays for her to get new tits she'll be fucking the pool boy within a week. If he tries to tough it out, hes left looking at two floppy flap jacks. Yay marriage.
February 17th, 2009 at 08:06 pm
that's pretty frickin' funny if I do say so
it's exactly what I'm thinking when I'm with your
wife(s) ;p
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006718/
February 17th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Hehe, married guys. Being single you don't get laid but at least don't have to clean yourself.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
So true! Especially the receptionist @ work part whilst losing the boner. And the anal part.
February 18th, 2009 at 01:27 am
Singles FTW!
February 18th, 2009 at 03:09 am
Spot on.
Except replace 'receptionist' with 'her hot friend you almost got it on with when you both were drunk and your wife passed out'.
February 18th, 2009 at 06:03 am
Dead on with this one as usual. Jason, you too are also correct. Lose Lose.
February 18th, 2009 at 06:35 am
@Jason
Don't pay for tits. Just leave her bra on and if she's got a belly, make her leave her entire shirt on.
February 18th, 2009 at 06:45 am
That's hilarious...
No, wait a minute, it's not. It's exactly what it's like.
God my life fucking sucks.
February 18th, 2009 at 09:08 am
that's like an inner dialogue. spot on however. but mine involve more video games.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
You should do an inner monologue of ANY girl single or married during sex.
February 18th, 2009 at 02:22 pm
I sure would like to go to Chili's tonight.
February 19th, 2009 at 08:26 am
im never getting married
February 19th, 2009 at 02:14 pm
blowjobs :)
February 19th, 2009 at 02:18 pm
too fucking accurate
a guys view
once married, should have uninhibited unending wild sex
womans view
go ahead as long as your by yourself
i had sex everyday of my marriage for the first day
after that ..... as soon as they say i do, they dont
March 2nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
and now I'm depressed
April 14th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Well have more sex, duh!!
April 14th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Yep most expensive hooker known to man, should have bought a dog!!
May 15th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
..
But the dog will only lick his OWN balls.
And anything with peanut butter on it.
Hmm...
..
May 5th, 2009 at 03:06 pm
I turned my ex-gf down for sex one night ( i was tiered and she hadent shaved her legs), she starts trying jerk me off and wont take no for an answer. If i tried that shit shed would have had me arrested for rape. Wemon get pissed if you dont want to put out, but if they dont your just supposed to accept it.
May 15th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
..
Let me see if I understand...
She INSISTED on jacking you off?
I hope you left a twenty under her pillow.
..
May 6th, 2009 at 05:33 pm
I really hope that's not what my husband thinks when we have sex.
May 15th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
..
It's really much shorter than that. Like so many things.
..
May 15th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
..
This is just SICK.
Sex with your wife is a BEAUTIFUL and LOVING expression of the comitment you SHARE. Stop thinking about yourself and think about that lovely woman who has put up with you whiny ass for the past five years and...
lost my boner.
Can we try again?
..
May 16th, 2009 at 06:12 am
I find it disgusting when my wife pressures me for sex.
July 26th, 2009 at 08:51 pm
she is thinking do I really have to do this? his beer belly is getting in the way..I can't even see it anymore and wow is he hairy and he wants me to go down ?
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