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Inner Monologue of a Married Man on New Year’s Eve

8:15 p.m.
This isn’t so bad.  Just me, my wife, and some of our married friends.  Oh, nice,  someone brought out Trivial Pursuit.  That’s cool.  Why do we have to break into couples teams?  What if I wanted to play by myself?  I don’t even get a say?  They just declare it’s teams without asking anyone?  What is this Nazi f*&king Germany?  Fine then I’m taking off this sweater my wife made me wear.  Don’t shoot me a look, I’ll take off my sweater if I want to take off my sweater, because I do what I want!  Hmm, I probably shouldn’t take off my sweater if I want to have the chance of having sex later.  Whoa, Bob’s wife has some huge titties.  I really hope she rolls a six and has to lean over and move their piece to the Sports & Leisure square.  Six!  YES!  Look at those things.  I’m definitely going to think of those later if my wife and I have sex. 
Am I wearing a sign that says tell me about your boring as f*&k job?  I think if I go to the bathroom I could probably sit in there until like ten or fifteen minutes before 12:00 and no one would notice.   I wonder how many of these glasses of wine have I had.  How does a party turn from a party like this to one of those parties where we start screwing each other’s spouses?
Ryan Seacrest is a f*ckin’ homo!  I’m gonna tell my wife that.  Whoa, that did not go over well.  Everybody’s looking at me all weird and shit.  F*ck them.  F*CK…THEM.

I’m takin’ this sweater off.  I wish someone had some weed.  If my buddy Roger was here he’d have weed and we’d "s" to the "moke" that shit.  I need to get some air on the balcony, bitches.  Whoa, this party next door sounds waaaaay better than this dumb party.  Dang, there’s some girls in that party with some really big titties.  I bet if I told that party Ryan Seacrest is a homo they’d laugh and shit.  Not like my dumb ass wife who just has medium sized titties.
Duuuuude, yo soy boracho.   Oh shit, it’s like one minute.  Whoa, what the f*&k is wrong with Dick Clark?  Ha, I’m gonna do an impression of him for everybody , that shit will be hilaaaarious.  Whoa, that did not go over well.  Way worse than the Seacrest thing.  Shit, twenty seconds.  I gotta find Bob’s big tittied wife and stand next to her and then she’ll be like "where’s Bob," and I’ll be like "right here, bitch."  Great, here comes "Queen whiny bitch" otherwise known as my wife!  Ha, I should tell her that one. That would probably get me out of the shit house for the Seacrest and Dick Clark jokes I made earlier.  Nah, maybe not.  Ugh, I’m not feeling so good.  Feels like a ferret shit in my stomach.  Ugh, oh no, here comes the wife, keep it togeth- BLWAAAAAH….I just threw up all over Queen Whiny Bitch.  I feel like I should feel worse about that than I do.  Oh well.  Happy New Year, bitches!

23 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Married Man on New Year’s Eve"

  1. Nova says:

    bahahahahaha, poor guy.

  2. Pvt. Eye says:

    I titty-fucked Bob’s wife in the bathroom.

  3. Kobie says:

    I buttfucked Bob’s wife in the kitchen. Suck it, cunts.

  4. Bob's Wife says:

    and both you needle dick bug fuckers were lame…best part of you both ran down your daddies leg.

  5. Bob says:

    Honey, you said you wouldn’t be drinking this year.

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  8. General Ization says:


  9. jelly roll says:


  10. Dig B says:

    Dick Clark jokes are an acquired taste.

  11. gregory says:

    I think I speak on behalf of the entire Holy Taco community when I say we are all very impressed by your ability to bring life to a party, Sprinkles.

  12. Kobie says:

    Fuck ya

  13. sprinkles says:

    i am the “Roger” at all the parties i go to…and man you should see the faces of friends and family when i walk in the door…so happy and relieved to see me! and boy do we S to the MOKE that shit!!!

  14. Anonymousy says:

    did mom and dad swapped partners and made you watch?

  15. pratik says:

    I’ve been to those “married couples” New Years Eve parties when I was 12, because my parents thought everyone else was bringing their kids as well. Nope, not anyone under 35 in sight.

  16. Adam says:

    Godwin’s Law.

    You moron.

  17. German guy (who thinks Jewish Guy is fag) says:

    Oh common….ok I admit Trivial Pursuit in team mode sucks, but does it suck as much as genociding 600.000 Jews?

    …well I admit thats a tough one but finally, YOU decide for yourself

  18. Biff Tannen says:

    First HT reposts the same links about 6 times in a row(Jack Bauer is Santa Clause, 9 Sex myths she hates), now there simply reposting old New Years Eve bits, maybe time to remove HT from my bookmarks. Plus, most of you are gay.

  19. really? says:

    This was wayyyy better when you did it last year on new years.

  20. justin says:
    That’s impossible. It’s exactly the same.
  21. Bob says:

    LOL Best F*ckin’ inner monologue of the year. “Happy New Year, Bitches!”

  22. the philosopher says:

    why are these monologues always so bitter?

  23. Gomer says:

    I feel like I’ve read this before…