Oh, man. She taped that stuff. F*ck me running, that’s…wow. Ok. Hmmm. I need a second with that.
OK, game face. I’m Mad Max. I’m William Wallace. Martin Riggs. Maverick. I’m Payback. I can handle this, this is nothing. My American accent is perfect. My rugged good looks have weathered decades. Jews
haven’t taken that from me, they won’t take this.
Honestly, how bad is this? Is this drunkenly blaming the Jews for everything that’s wrong with the world bad? I mean, really? I looked like a mountain man then, I look like the President right now. Well, a good president. Like a white one. The real president. I’m a surefire winner, count on it.
The press keeps calling it a racist rant, but come on. Rant? So maybe I said it’d be Oksana’s fault if she got raped, so what? My mom used to put that on a sticky note and slap it on my lunch for school every day. That’s nothing. And the punching thing, I mean really. Isn’t she a Russian? Russians can take a punch, let’s see the Huffington Post make a point of that. Can’t even count how many Russian women I’ve had to punch in my life.
No, this is nothing. Last time I apologized to some of those curly sideburn Jews and ate some bagels and shit and we were good. This time probably I’ll need to have dinner with Al Sharpton, I think the blacks made him their king. Or Jesse Jackson. Honestly, I think they’re the same guy in different suits.
Yeah, this will be a cake walk. Dinner with Sharpton, go on Leno and win back the hearts of his elderly viewers and then make Lethal Weapon 5. As soon as Danny Glover says I’m too old for this shit everyone will forget this ever happened. God, I love that they let black people make movies. Danny Glover is going to save my ass. He’s still alive, right? Better have my agent look into that. Failing that a couple of Mexicans
will do. I forget what the exchange rate is but Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas together have to at least equal Danny Glover.
If we can get that other colored fella, Chris Rob or Rock or whatever to come back, and Joe Pesci, and maybe throw in that Bieber kid, I bet we’ll be number one for three weeks. Need to get back to our roots, though. We need to show tits again. God, I miss tits.
Next time I’ll know to punch a bitch a little harder then frisk her for recording devices, this is ridiculous. I never should have made that pussy-fest What Women Want. After that everyone thought I was f*ckin’ Paul Reiser or some shit. Who’s a popular wanker these days? Gerard Butler? Paul Rudd? Whoever the f*ck stars in movies with Jennifer Aniston, like it matters. I’d motorboat her if she kept her mouth shut.
Here’s what I don’t get, it’s the c word. People have an issue with that? Still? I used to call my kids that. That was my dog’s name. It’s in the Australian National Anthem. Bloody Americans, man. They can’t handle anything. Buncha c***s. Oh, weird. Felt like someone just asterixed me there…