Okay, I got a Battletoads action figure, and I looked at some sweet Hellboy t-shirts that I couldn’t afford, but they were still awesome. The only thing left on my Comic-Con wish list is to meet #1 Nerd Fantasy Babe Olivia Munn.
This Attack of the Show panel just ended, so she should be coming out any second. She’s going to come out and start working her way through the throngs of sweaty, smelly fanboys, but then she’s going to see me. Our eyes will meet. Time will stand still. She’ll notice that I look a little bit cooler than all of these other nerds. She’ll think to herself "Wow, he’s wearing a Dark Knight t-shirt that looks newer than all the other Dark Knight shirts I’ve seen here today. He must’ve purchased it about a year ago, but not worn it because he was saving it for Comic-Con. I’m impressed by his self-discipline." You’re absolutely right, Olivia Munn, I have been saving this Dark Knight t-shirt for Comic-Con. I knew you’d understand.
Okay, just remember to breath, and don’t sweat too much. These paper towels in my armpits are dong a fantastic job. I knew that was a good idea. Oh my god. I think I see her. Yes, it’s her! Olivia Munn! And she’s coming this way! This f*cking crowd of fat nerds is really pushing on me. I’m gonna have to hold them back to keep Olivia Munn safe. Otherwise, there’s a good chance that she might get—Oh, god. I feel a boner coming on.
No, please, not now. This is not the time to get a raging boner. Okay, just relax. Think of something that’s not sexually arousing in any way. Damn, Olivia Munn has great tits. Too bad you couldn’t see them in her playboy spread last month. F*ck! This is not helping my boner situation at all! God Dammit, these armpit paper towels are soaked now. This was a terrible idea. It feels like I have two tongues in my shirt. Olivia Munn is right there, and this boner is not subsiding. Okay, okay, just think, idiot! I’ve got to hide this boner. What can I do? Waistband tuck? No, that’s way to conspicuous. There’s no way I could turn around, not even for a second. The way this crowd is pushing behind me, I’d be knocked backwards for sure.
I could just hold this Battletoads action figure in front of my boner. Yeah, that might work! But what if Olivia Munn wants to see it?! Oh, shit, shit, shit! She’s right in front of me now. I’m gonna have to adjust this boner, and fast. It’s pretty crowded in here, so maybe she won’t even notice if I do it quickly enough….nope. She totally noticed. F*CK! Don’t look at her tits. F*CK! I looked at her tits. Okay, quick, say something that will distract her from the fact that you were just fondeling a full-fledged boner and staring at her tits.
F******CK. I’ve been practicing what to say to her for months, and now, in the heat of the moment, all I could manage to mumble to Olivia Munn is "you have tits". She probably already knows that. Shit, this crowd is really pushing on me now. I hope I don’t—OH, SHIT. I just got pushed on top of Olivia Munn. This definitely did not help my boner situation, and it looks like we both know it. Oh, hold on! She’s reaching for something inside her shirt! That is so hot. Maybe it’s her phone number! Nope, it’s a rape whistle. A really loud rape whistle. Well, as long as I’m here, lying on top of Olivia Munn and being accused of rape, I might as well get a boob squeeze out of it. Oh, that really loud rape whistle can get even louder. Wow, these security guards came out of nowhere. I guess I’d better take full advantage of this opportunity, and just dry hump Olivia Munn for a few seconds before they start tazing me.