Yeah. Yeah, this is hot. And I’m hot. And that girl over there in the tight – wait. I think that’s Dunbar’s daughter. Huh. He’s in accounting now, so it’s not like I see him that often. Damn. She grew up, didn’t she? Must be adopted. Dunbar’s wife looks like Brad Garret with a few extra chins.
Dunbar’s friends with Mr. Travers, though. He could shit all over me if Dunbar finds out I tried to poke his daughter. Good thing I wore this jacket, she’ll never recognize me. Best purchase I ever made off of eBay, man. Genuine fake red leather Michael Jackson jacket with matching pants. God, my junk looks huge in this. Yeah, who’s got three thumbs, baby? This guy.
I don’t know if I care for this music, too much of the rap. Man, if they put on some Technotronic I’d show all these punks. Look at that kid, he’s wearing an undershirt. Who wears an undershirt outside? Must be a gang thing. Gotta watch out for that. I see lots of hats and sneakers in here, that’s all gang stuff. No one’s gang banging me tonight, that’s for sure. I should have finished those karate lessons back in ’86, though.
That MSN story Dave sent me said all kinds of young girls are out looking for sugar daddies and having sex in the clubs. I can’t believe I never thought of this sooner. Man, if Maria could see me now. That’ll teach her to walk out on me. Imagine the look on her face when we go to court to change the palimony arrangement and she sees me with some fine, young boobie girl on my arm. Yeah, let’s see your personal trainer grow boobies like any of these girls, Maria. Whore.
I need to get out on that dance floor. I bet I can still break dance. I did it at our school’s celebration of the ‘88 Olympic Games. “I’ve Got Soul for Seoul,” that was my slogan. Man, that was cool. I mean, yeah, I broke my hip, but that’s just because of that calcium deficiency. Up until then, I was wicked awesome.
This beer is giving me indigestion. The waitress put lime in it even after I told her not to. I can’t have citrus after 6. Hell, I have to call the pharmacy later, it might interact with my pills. Or is that just grapefruit? I should have read that pamphlet.
Mmm, this sweet looking filly is checking me out. Likes what she sees, I bet. Maybe I’ll just move on over and – Nope. Shit, she just filled my boots with puke. What is that? Pineapple and ham? I think she was eating a panzarotti. God, these are new socks.
Christ, I have to piss again. What is that, 6 times already tonight? I have to call Dr. Goldstein and get my prostate checked. And I think there’s ham in my sock. Huh. Feels kind of nice when I step down though. Warm. Squishy. I see why this is popular in Japan. Man, she opened her mouth wide when she puked too. Heh heh. Yeah.
There’s a line at the men’s room? Really? I can’t wait for this. I think I saw a Chili’s down the street though, maybe they’re still open.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
this is the stupidest shit ive ever seen and you will all eat my asshole
“No one’s gang banging me tonight, that’s for sure!” OK I ROFL at that line, that’s gold there
This is so painful to read, I’m actually embarrassed for the writer. He’s going to have a heart attack when he finds out he’s not funny.
Three thumbs you retard!
“Who’s got three fingers? This guy.”
LOL.
I’ve always wanted to do this.
FIRST BITCHES
I always wanted to do this:
PUT PEANUT BUTTER IN MY ASS AND ON MY BALLS AND LET MY DOGS GO TO TOWN!
That’s not as fun as it sounds. Dogs tend to get nippy, and that’s exactly why I only have one ball…
I always wanted to do this:
RAPE MYSELF WITH A DEAD HORSE COCK UNTIL I HAVE A BAGGY ANUS.
That’s also not a good idea. My mom did that to me and now I have to wear adult diapers because I no longer have any anal retention…
just tried it…sounded more fun in writing.
This site rocks, send me pictures.
martinekpaxson+ak@gmail.com
Holytaco you OFFICIALLY suck balls at writing.These past few month i thought id ride out the pure shit youve come up with but fuck you, youre site is a piece of shit, im going to cracked now
You’re right! it’s like the cracked reject committee!
Aha, ha. Sir, everyone here is 10 times better than Cody, and he writes for CRACKED. Indeed, he’s written for them for a disgustingly long time.
I difer with Clay. Holytaco is STILL good and funny! The inner monologues are back and that’s a proof of this.
They should do an inner monologue of DonkeyXote before he starts typing a comment. The possibilities are pretty much endless. Can’t you ban his ip from posting comments??? You know every comment he responded to was also written by him under a different name. Seriously HT, you need to write an article that could possibly make this kid kill himself; or at least make him rethink his life. You could start it like this.. “This is the day.. this is the day i leave a comment and everyone who reads it is going to laugh..” It’s not like no one knows who he is at this point. You’ve let him rape your comments section for a few months now. Everyone should +1 this if they think its a good idea.
+1
Can we get the inner speak of a women as well so we can compare and contrast.
Now for a little rap
(clears throat)
Yo!
When your forty!
YOu gotta piss alot!
When your forty!
Every chick looks hot!
When your forty!
You take nothin’ but shots!
When your forty!
You stop listening to pop!
Yo!
I’m the big 4 Zero
Gray ass hair like Robbie Dinero!
I walk into my sons room like “who the fuck is Sub- Fuckin Zero!?”
I watch the news and get pissed
Ask my wife for a sandwich before she turns into a bitch.
Shit is ruff, I’m not thirty!
I get indigestion if I eat beef jerky!
I jack of to 18 year porn cause their tits are perky!
Then I clean up with paper towels cause I don’t want my carpet to get dirty!
No one understands me! I’m stuck in the middle between a 20 year olds and old mutherfuckers
who can’t find their own nipples!
When your forty!
YOu gotta piss alot!
When your forty!
Every chick looks hot!
When your forty!
You take nothin’ but shots!
When your forty!
You stop listening to pop!
I want to the last 20 seconds of my life back!
Congratualtions…
You have just been granted 20 seconds of life!!!
You will be transported back in time 20 seconds ago.
When you wake up you will remember nothing of what haz happened.
SWOOOSH SWIZZLE SWIZZLE SWIZZZLE ……