The Inner Monologue of a Preacher Caught Up In a Gay Sex Scandal

_{Bishop Eddie Long}

Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Friggen Christ! Lord Jesus, what do I do now? Oh, God, does this look bad. This looks real bad! This is some Catholic Priest shit, right here. I mean, I can’t believe they’re writing this about me…

…allegations that Long had sex with the men in hotels in New York, Dallas, Tennessee, New Zealand and other areas. Long took Flagg to New Zealand for his 18th birthday, where his “gift” was sodomy….

Sweet mercey! It’s like Michael Jackson and Mark Foley all rolled into one. Why, oh why, did I have to go and bang those hot teenage boys?

OK, calm down. Think for a minute. NO, NOT ABOUT COCKS, YOU IDIOT! Think about how you’re gonna get out of this mess. First things first, you’re not gay. No sir, definitely not. You’re a preacher at a mega-church, damn it. Nothing’s straighter than that. Your congregation is 30,000 strong. 30,000 God-fearing souls come to you for guidance on Jesus, and if there’s one thing Jesus hates, it’s two dudes playing "hide the bishop." I don’t know why God would make something like man-on-man sodomy feel so amazing and then turn around and hate it. That’s a bit schizophrenic, if you ask me. But who am I to question the man upstairs? God hates gay sex, so I hate gay sex, end of story.

Now, how do I prove that I’m not gay? That’s right, I’m married! PERFECT! Why would a gay guy get married to a disgusting woman? It doesn’t add up! That reminds me; my wife is probably wondering about all these “gay sex with a minor” stories that are floating around. What a judgemental bitch. I can almost hear her now, sitting there with that smug vagina of her’s, asking “why are you always hanging out with teenage boys,” and “why do we always have to have anal sex from behind while watching Twilight: New Moon.” What an awful nag.

OK, what else is there! Oh yeah, my kids! If I was gay, how could I have kids? Wow, to be honest, I’m not really sure how that happened. I must have still been jacked up on crystal meth after a long night of partying at Swingin’ Richards. God I love that place. I must love it a lot, if it rev’d me up enough to have sex with my wife’s disgusting lady parts four times! But at any rate, having a kid means you’re not gay. Having four kids means I’m super straight. Wait, did I have sex with any of the boys? Think, damn it! No, my sons aren’t even that hot. I’m clear on that one. Awesome! See, totally not gay!

So what else? That’s right, I wrote a book about relationships, male/female relationships to be exact! I think I have a copy of it around here. There it is, under that stack of Ball Club Quarterly and Butt Magazines. Let’s have a look. That’s right, it’s called I Don’t Want Delilah, I Need You! Sounds pretty straight. I’ll just go ahead and read a little bit…

"Men can look attractive when they are dirty. We see sweating, dirty, hardworking men on television all the time and we say to one another, ‘There’s a macho guy.’"

Holy shit, does this book sound gay! Why in God’s holy name would I, a straight man, write something like that? I need to burn this book, right now! Wait, don’t burn it in the living room, you moron! You’ll catch the rug on fire, and then the fire department will have to come and put it out with their big, long hoses and their tight, puckering….GOD DAMN IT! SNAP OUT OF IT! 

Oh, who am I kidding. There’s no point in denying it. There’s only one person to blame for my actions…THE DEVIL! That’s it! Satan made me repeatedly have sex with those hot young studs! That’s how Beelzebub works! He takes perfectly straight individuals like myself, and corrupts them through techno music and gay sitcom characters. What chance do I have to stay straight when, week after week, I’m subjected to the likes of that fat, gay guy on “Modern Family." The gay agenda is alive and well, and I am the latest victim. This whole scandal is a sign from God. I need to redouble my efforts and fight the good fight against the culture of sin and sodomy that is defiling our great nation. To quote Matthew 16:23, "Get thee behind me, Satan!"

And while you’re back there…