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Inner Monologue of Stan Lee, While Signing His Marvel Empire Over to Disney

YES.  4 BILLION F*CKING DOLLARS.  Suck on that, kids who used to make fun of me in high school for drawing pictures of dudes in leotards all day!  Look who’s rolling in it now!  Dolla dolla bills, y’all!  How many people have managed to turn a seemingly creepy hobby into a multimedia empire?  About 399 Billion less than the amount of dollars that I’m about to have, that’s how many.  You know what the price of getting called an "artsy homo" for most of your adolescent life is?  Well, I do: it’s negative 4 BILLION DOLLARS.  And it was worth every f*cking penny, too. 
Damn, I need to take a nap soon. I wonder why Disney wants my shit, anyway.  Sure, the Marvel movies that have been made so far have made a killing at the box office, and they haven’t scratched the surface of my entire library of work yet, but it doesn’t really seem like Disney’s style.  My movies are for adults, and most of Disney’s stuff is for kids.  Even Pirates of the Caribbean was decidedly tame, considering that it was all about a class of people who were known for raping and plundering.  I don’t know.  I guess I could see some of my comic books playing out as Disney movies, though.  Like, maybe there could be a movie about Wolverine’s childhood, except it turns out that he grew up in the jungle and his best friend was a singing bear.  Or maybe there could be one where Punisher meets a bunch of elves in the woods, and then falls in love with a prince.

Oh!  Maybe Submariner, who’s way better than Aquaman, could fall in love with someone who lives on the land, and then he could sing a song and wish that he could have legs to be on land for just a single day, so that he could—oh, wait. I guess Submariner could go on land whenever he wanted.  Okay, maybe that one doesn’t work.  Jesus, I’ve invented so much shit that I can’t even remember what’s what anymore.  This is definitely a good time to sell my empire.  Oh, yeah, and let’s not forget: 4 BILLION F*CKING DOLLARS!  A super old, nearly dead guy could sure do a lot with that kind of dough.  I could buy a boat.  Actually, f*ck a boat.  I’ll buy a spaceship! Actually, f*ck that!  I’ll buy the f*cking moon! 
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ll do: I’ll buy the moon, and then with the leftover money, I’ll build a giant space laser, and aim it right at the Earth, and then I’ll hold the entire world hostage!  What a life I’ve lived: I went from being called gay, to becoming a global icon, to a 4 BILLIONAIRE, to becoming the exact type of super villain that I invented and later sold for 4 billion dollars.  It’s an ironic, yet brilliant plan.  Who’s going to stop me?  I’m the only one that knows how to!  Oh, man. That’s a brilliant plan. I should’ve used that one in my comics.  Maybe I did use it already.  Hmm.  I’ll have to look into that.  Where the hell am I?  Oh, right. Disney.  Okay, focus, Stan.  Just sign your name and the deal’s done.  Hmm.  I just pissed myself.  Okay, the contract is signed, the tiny drawing of me next to my signature is complete, and I am officially a 4 BILLIONAIRE!!  Next stop: home, to take my pills and get a quick nap in, and then: to the giant laser store, and then: TO THE MOON!!!!!!

27 Responses to "Inner Monologue of Stan Lee, While Signing His Marvel Empire Over to Disney"

  1. Omicron says:

    You guys rant and rave all you want. I’ve been with Marvel since the early 60′s, longer than most of you have been alive, and Stan Lee is one of my HEROES! I wish him another 4 billion.

  2. Evil says:

    Youre all nazis.
    Godwins law.

  3. iknep says:

    F¨ck Disney,

    good article.

    Sorry to hear the old robber finally messed it up


    bambi F”’s wolvie

  4. AJ says:

    I swallowed my gum.

  5. VV says:

    “Correcting internet articles gains you no friends.”

    Yep, what gains you friends is defending unfunny, poorly written, poorly researched articles on the internet.

    Congratulations, you win all the friends, asshat.

  6. Bill says:

    Stan Lee doesn’t own all of Marvel now. He gets very little of the money. Dumbasses.

  7. D says:

    Sheesh! And we all thought Holy Taco was a reliable and accurate news source. Thanks for the jem bill!

  8. ±Schmep says:

    Correcting internet articles gains you no friends. Your total is still at 0.
    At least this made me lol. You should prolly DIAF.
    And that very little still gets yo momma, many, many times over.

  9. you're fucking stupid says:

    also, you’re fucking retarded. He still holds controlling interest even though he isn’t the CEO. Dumbass.

  10. Gonzobot says:

    No, see, its not that you write something interesting and witty, its that you correct somebody who thinks they has done so and has clearly not done so. Friends are irrelevant these days, I can get dozens just by making up a twitter account about boobs.

  11. Leo says:


  12. Maybe says:

    I think it’s more Snow White makes Stan her bitch…nicer

  13. Old Guy says:

    Stan Lee makes Snow White his bitch.

  14. decided uncanny says:

    fuckin’ MARK = fuckin’ VIRGIN

  15. fuckin' MARK says:

    Stan Lee didn’t create Wolverine, or the Punisher, or the Sub-Mariner. I know I’m being picky, but considering the fact that he created the FF, the X-men (pre-Wolvie), Spidey, DD, the Hulk, and countless others, why name-drop the characters he DIDN’T have a hand in?

  16. MrKillson says:

    Just so you could comment on it.

  17. ? says:

    yeah seriously who gives a shit

  18. Henke says:

    First and might I say; hell yeah! giant lasers for everyone!

  19. philosopher says:

    if someone was able to buy the moon… who would they buy it from? sure the American flag is on it, but there aren’t any colonies or bases. plus, if someone did try to take ownership of the moon, that would probably spark World War 3

  20. Jack Of All Trades says:

    if you could buy it, it would be a good idea to sell it to the government when they start to build colonies there. it would literally be prime real estate

  21. shut the fuck up philosopher says:

    yeah well I hope he buys the fucking moon and you won’t be invited.

  22. hmm... says:

    there was some treaty signed between nations to not colonize space…but the us has been trying to rescind it…or they were i have no idea nowadays

  23. The Authority says:

    If someone could buy the moon… who would they buy it from?

    That’s the question you’ve got? Who to buy it from?

    Okay wipe I’ll tell you. Me that’s who. Make the check out to:

    The Authority

    Oh yeah, that’ll be 4Billion dollars.

    Geez. Who would you buy it from…..

    You’re the kind of dumbass that would find a naked girl with a hairless pussy in his bed and all you’ld do is ask her if she shaves. Okay, probably would never find a naked girl in your bed, but you get the point.

  24. Obvious says:

    You don’t think Disney already owns the fucking moon people!

  25. WARNER BROS says:


  26. Saturday Morning Central says:

    I made a “Hitler is pissed” video about this:


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