F*ck. I hate f*ckin' dancing. This is retarded. What the f*ck am I doing here? Why am I learning some stupid, lame-ass dance moves when I should be manipulating the government to do my bidding?! I'm the goddamn Hammer, for f*ck's sake! "No," they said, "You have to do it, Tom. It'll be good for your public image. Otherwise, people will continue to pelt you with rocks whenever you walk down the street." Geeze. You get indicted for conspiring to violate campaign finance laws one time, and suddenly you have to prance around in tights like some f*ckin fairy on national TV just to avoid a public execution. This country is ridiculous.
Where the f*ck is my f*cking dance teacher, anyway? Does she think I have all f*cking day to sit around in tights and wait for her to show me how to f*ckin' two-step? She's already six minutes late. What, did she stumble upon a Sharks vs. Jets dance-fight and have to shimmy her way to a peaceful resolution? I swear to God, if they teamed me up with a fat chick, I'll have her killed. I will f*cking hire someone to murder her and throw her into a reservoir or something. I don't f*cking care. If I'm gonna be dancing on TV, it's gonna be with a super hot chick with huge---
Titties. Holy shit. Is that my dance partner? Oh, man. This is gonna be awesome. Shit, I don't think I needed to be wearing tights. My marriage is never going to survive six weeks of this show. Prancing around with a hot, big-tittied chick in tights all day. I think she's hot for me already. She seems like the kind of chick who gets turned on by men who accept million-dollar bribes from Russians. It's okay, Hammer. Just look confident. Chicks dig a guy who looks confident. Just channel that ol' Hammer confidence; the confidence that comes from knowing that you successfully roofied and date-raped the most powerful democracy in the world. Yeah, chicks dig that. Just get your cool face on, Tom.
Yeah, there it is. Now I'm looking cool. Hell yeah. Hmm, what's that funny feeling? Must be these stupid-ass tights I'm wearing. Note to self: wear your sexy khakis to the next dance lesson. Also, I should probably wear my lucky condom to the next lesson as well, just in case. Man, these tights are really rubbing me weird. It feels like I'm----oh, no. I'm totally getting a boner.
Can this really be happening? I haven't had a boner since I committed perjury and fraud by using a business's funds to bankroll my senate campaign! Shit, how the hell am I gonna dance with this babe if I have a boner? There's no way I can hide it. I'm wearing f*cking tights! Okay, no problem: I'll just make a joke about it right away, and draw attention to it. Then it won't be awkward that I'm trying to ignore it. Yeah, that's a good plan. I'll just say something like "Hey, check out this huge boner I have!" Yeah, that's good. Straight forward. Just like a real Hammer.
Hmm. Apparently she didn't appreciate my candid admission of boner-having. She seems pretty creeped out. I've seen that 'you're a creepy old man' look a thousand times before. I'm not sure what she meant when she said "I feel more evil just being in the same room with you." I mean, that could mean anything, right? Well, my dance partner thinking that I'm an evil old pervert could have an effect on our chances in this competition. Looks like I'm gonna have to take the Hammer to this contest, to ensure victory. I think there's a British judge. One quick phone call can get him deported. We'll see how it goes from there. Just remember that the most important thing is to win, no matter who you have to bribe, kill, or force to have sex with you. That's the DeLay way!
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
(15 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 17th, 2009 at 03:42 pm
Fraud and bribery gives me boners, too.
August 17th, 2009 at 03:53 pm
i don't know who Tom Delay is, but i'm enjoying, the bulge in his pants.
August 17th, 2009 at 04:36 pm
they should go back to using nameless people, no one in particular. its not very funny unless EVERYONE knows who they are
August 17th, 2009 at 08:20 pm
Im an 18 year old Canadian living in the middle of bum-fuck no-where, and I know who Tom DeLay is.
Read a fucking book.
August 17th, 2009 at 09:22 pm
yes but his books about the Back Street Boys make no mention of Tom Delay
August 17th, 2009 at 07:47 pm
"It's okay, Hammer. Just look confident."
Good one. The girl is pretty.
August 17th, 2009 at 08:34 pm
You guys should do an inner monologue for Adolf Obama. All you need is "Death to Amerikkka" written over and over again in german.
You could also do one for his lovely bride Michelle "Eva Braun" Obama, but who knows what the fuck language that sasquatch speaks.
August 17th, 2009 at 09:20 pm
Exile. Your mom likes taking black dick up her ass. I don't know if this changes your opinion. I'm just helping out.
August 21st, 2009 at 08:21 pm
I think a sasquatch would look better than that troll.
August 18th, 2009 at 07:55 am
Who's the broad?
August 18th, 2009 at 03:04 pm
Josie Maran (got that from the file name of the image)
August 18th, 2009 at 03:07 pm
Just googled her and she is fucking hot.
August 18th, 2009 at 09:11 pm
I'd google her goooooooooood.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Republicans show all kill themselves. earth will thank them
August 20th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Susan
http://onlinemariogames.net
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