I am so ready to see Twilight: New Moon! This is the most exciting night of my entire life! I've been anxiously awaiting this movie since the first one came out an entire year ago. It's been torture, but tonight I'll finally be redeemed. I've got my hair dyed and unevenly cut perfectly, and my plain black t-shirt and checkered slip-on vans are looking super-cool.
I can't believe how wrong I was about vampires before. I used to think that vampires were these pale, charismatic, immortal eastern-european royalty who can only come out at night because sunlight kills them, but Twilight proves all of that wrong. That's because it was written by a Mormon tax auditor from Gilbert, Arizona who has never seen a vampire movie, and had never even written a short story before she wrote Twilight, so she's got a fresh take on the oldest, most classic monster is folklore history. She doesn't have to play by the rules, or follow them, or subscribe to pre-established, centuries-old constructs in any way.
Plus, I got my tickets four days ago, and I'm here 3 hours early, just to make sure I get a seat right in the middle of the theater, so that when Robert Pattison looks at the camera he'll be staring right into my eyes. I don't have to wait in line for popcorn or candy or anything, because I've recently decided to be anorexic, to ensure that I'll be the first one in the theater and I'll get the perfect seat. My mom's still gonna have to sit in the front, though, with all the other moms.
I feel so inspired by Twilight. I think I'm going to write a Frankenstein novel, except that instead of being a creature created in a laboratory by a mad scientist using parts of corpses dug up from a graveyard and brought to life through the electricity from a lightning strike, my Frankenstein is going to be a skinny, angsty teenager who falls in love with an awkward, over-emotional girl who's just like me, but not nearly as lonely. Also, Frankenstein won't be dead. He'll be just a normal hot guy. It shouldn't be too hard to write, because it's just an average, melodramatic high school love story, except with a supernatural spin that doesn't quit fit, just to make it easily marketable. I'll have to become a mormon, though. That sucks, but it's a small price to pay for fame and fortune.
Oh, man. How sweet would it be if I got my period during the movie tonight?! That would be so epic. Bleeding out of my vagina during New Moon would make me the most popular girl in junior high! I bet I can will that to happen. I'm gonna try really hard. I wish I knew how to push with my vagina, like those ladies who can shoot pingpong balls with their pussies and stuff. That's probably what you have to do to induce a period during a vampire movie. I should've been practicing for the past year. Maybe I can just find some ketchup or something and fake it. I'll just have to make sure that nobody finds out I faked it, though. Otherwise, they'll think I'm weird. Speaking of weird, what's up with the creepy dude at the back of the line?
He's kind of weirding me out. He looks way to happy standing in a line of pre-teen girls. He's all pasty and pale. And what's up with those weird clothes? He looks like some kind of...vampire. Oh my god. I think that guy's a vampire. And he's looking right at me. He's pulling me in with his seductive vampire eyes. I'm powerless to resist. His smile, which I previously interpreted as being very creepy, must actually be very romantic and supernatural. I think he's chosen me to be his soulmate! Oh my god, this is so exciting. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe he chose me! I'm the most awkward girl here!
Oh, he's beckoning me to his seemingly creepy vampire van in the parking lot. I have to follow him. I don't want to disappoint him. He is, after all, a vampire, just like the hot vampire in Twilight. I just hope that he'll induct me into his elite fraternity of immortals. Then we can be together forever. This is the best night of my life!
This was pretty fucken weak. Seriously fuck off with all the twilight bullshit already internet. We get it, its a lame as fuck rendering of something that used to be cool, but actually never was, because vampires are all gay. The traditional vampire is a supernatural depiction that nerds have of themselves. They can't go out in the sun, super pasty white skin, crappy one dimensional diets, and staying up all night. The new vampire is a depiction of what mentally handicapped emo tweens want: homos turned straight, but with all of the homo habits and tendencies that make girls say, "all the best guys are gay." No, they aren't; they just happen to enjoy sucking cocks more than you. Im outty 5000
Leave her alone dude shes a kid. Oh wait you are too more than likely. I think its cool that shes actually writing, bogging, whatever you wanna call it, instead of wasting time on video games.
Where does it say that this was written by a woman or a child? If by your standards sitting behind a computer typing witticisms is something to be praised, the person that wrote that comment should be given a fucking metal.
Kate Beckinsale gets a pass too, mostly because she is hot and stuff. But I think she was some kind of half vampire. But then again, so was Blade. Most full vampires are still pretty gay.
This is the most accurate Twilight series article ever. Thank you for this expose on how those bitchy preteen mind zombies really think, if they think at all. As for you commentors who are hating on this all-too-true-article with an ugly passion, why don't you just go back to your lonely little room and masturbate to Edward looking into your eyes from your 12-inch TV? It's a joke, seriously. Besides, it's virtually impossible to stand up for Twilight with any dignity at all, so just quit while you're ahead.
i love twilight....and racism. because black people suck at life and they know it.
i also love people who claim to hate twilight so much that they spend all of their time on the internet reading articles about it and posting comments on why they think it sucks and that anyone who likes it has no life. when in REALITY none of us have a life. whether you're reading twilight, watching the movies, or sitting on your fat ass in front of the computer getting angry at someone for commas, dubbing them an idiot, and leaving comments you think will "really show them. whichever applies to you....you have no life. i have no life. go get a life dammit at least i'm big enough to admit i suck at life because i'm sitting here posting this comment
...If by "gayer" you meant Twilight was bad, then you contradicted your self. I think you meant to say, "Twilight is straigter then..." blah blah blah.
On another note, you guys should stop throwing a pissfit over Twilight and Twilight fans. So lyk omg u dont lyk twilite???? Well, guess what? No one really cares. It doesn't change anything. Twilight is just a piece of literature and, believe it not, some INTELLIGENT people actually like it. You would obviously recognize this if you read its positive, professional reviews. \
Just because intelligent people read it, doesn't make it of any worth. The woman writes like a 5 year old, and the whole thing is a badly constructed sex dream, from the mind of someone who thinks sex is wrong.
How about instead of focusing on the spelling and grammar, we focus on the fact that this is supposedly written by someone in Jr Jigh. I don't know about you, but where I'm from Jr High, or Middle School, is 6th-8th with girls ages ranging from 10- 14. I don't believe that it's appropriate for anyone of that age range to be talking about the female private parts in such a lewd way, or in any way at all. This is a perfect example of why children shouldn't be allowed to use the internet without adult supervision.
Certainly not. Notice how I said that it was SUPPOSEDLY written by someone in Jr High. But to pass yourself off as girl of such age with that type of language is disturbing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those super uptight conservative prudes. I have a mouth that would make a sailor blush, but there is a time and place for everything. This just isn't one of those times.
And what? pre-teen girls don't know they have a vagina, and will most certainly start getting their period? SOON. INNER-MONOLOGUE. "She" can think whatever the heck she wants.And yes, I understand this is an in-character monologue written for the entertainment of readers like us - who then post silly, pointless comments.
How about instead of being an fing retard, you realize that this article is a joke making fun of Twilight. There is no real girl talking about anorexia and popping hardware out of here twat, Ok? So theres no need for the after school special pep speach bullshit.
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November 30th, 2009 at 04:10 pm
in the 4th paragraph, you spelled quite as quit. Do you nerds even have spell check? Even this comment box has spell check.
November 30th, 2009 at 04:15 pm
Since 'quit' IS a word spelled correctly, spellcheck wouldn't do much, would it?! Fuckstick...
November 30th, 2009 at 04:18 pm
Quite and Quit are both words, so a spellchecker wouldn't throw a shit fit over the mistake; but don't worry, you did.
November 30th, 2009 at 04:23 pm
For this comment i wont let you fuck your mother next week, so this week and next week is still my turn
November 30th, 2009 at 08:51 pm
You didn't need a comma after paragraph. Maybe you should learn how to properly punctuate a sentence.
November 30th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Actually, the comma isn't wrong. It isn't necessary, but it can be there.
December 1st, 2009 at 03:46 pm
Actually, the comma is correctly used in his sentence. It is called an introduction comma.
December 2nd, 2009 at 04:51 am
'Introductory' comma is just a phrase used to justify unnecessary commas used by poor writers. Such commas are incorrect.
December 2nd, 2009 at 01:09 pm
I'll introduce my comma to your mother.
December 2nd, 2009 at 05:14 pm
lawl at everything
December 5th, 2009 at 07:46 pm
DUDE. shes writing about vampires, yet im seeing stuff about commas?!? who really cares about commas! who cares if she uses correct punctuation?
December 11th, 2009 at 09:39 pm
Marcoooooo
December 14th, 2009 at 08:47 am
PPPOOLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!!!
November 30th, 2009 at 04:21 pm
The bears... they can smell the menstruation...
November 30th, 2009 at 08:17 pm
HA!
December 4th, 2009 at 04:50 pm
Well played sir!
November 30th, 2009 at 04:55 pm
This was pretty fucken weak. Seriously fuck off with all the twilight bullshit already internet. We get it, its a lame as fuck rendering of something that used to be cool, but actually never was, because vampires are all gay. The traditional vampire is a supernatural depiction that nerds have of themselves. They can't go out in the sun, super pasty white skin, crappy one dimensional diets, and staying up all night. The new vampire is a depiction of what mentally handicapped emo tweens want: homos turned straight, but with all of the homo habits and tendencies that make girls say, "all the best guys are gay." No, they aren't; they just happen to enjoy sucking cocks more than you. Im outty 5000
November 30th, 2009 at 08:30 pm
Leave her alone dude shes a kid. Oh wait you are too more than likely. I think its cool that shes actually writing, bogging, whatever you wanna call it, instead of wasting time on video games.
November 30th, 2009 at 09:43 pm
Where does it say that this was written by a woman or a child? If by your standards sitting behind a computer typing witticisms is something to be praised, the person that wrote that comment should be given a fucking metal.
December 1st, 2009 at 09:35 am
what kind of metal? cuz there's lots.
December 1st, 2009 at 04:48 pm
I have always been partial to Zinc.
December 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I got a raging comma
November 30th, 2009 at 04:54 pm
Except Blade. He gets a pass because he is pretty badass. And black, because im totally not racist, so black people can't suck at anything ever.
November 30th, 2009 at 06:06 pm
black people have dominated so many sports, if not all, lol.
back to the point twilight is so annoying.
December 1st, 2009 at 08:20 am
Oh really? Name one black swimmer. You can't because blacks are afraid of water
December 1st, 2009 at 08:45 am
As well as dogs, sheets, cops, and work.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Kate Beckinsale gets a pass too, mostly because she is hot and stuff. But I think she was some kind of half vampire. But then again, so was Blade. Most full vampires are still pretty gay.
December 1st, 2009 at 03:51 pm
there was a black guy on the US olympic swimming relay team, but let's be honest, he almost cost them the gold
December 1st, 2009 at 08:43 pm
actually, cullen jones is a black swimmer. he's quite good too.
December 22nd, 2009 at 02:06 pm
*ONE* black swimmer... great find.
November 30th, 2009 at 07:06 pm
you all smell.
November 30th, 2009 at 07:45 pm
lulz.
November 30th, 2009 at 08:29 pm
the frankenstein prt was funnier when it was an snl skit.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
This is the most accurate Twilight series article ever. Thank you for this expose on how those bitchy preteen mind zombies really think, if they think at all. As for you commentors who are hating on this all-too-true-article with an ugly passion, why don't you just go back to your lonely little room and masturbate to Edward looking into your eyes from your 12-inch TV? It's a joke, seriously. Besides, it's virtually impossible to stand up for Twilight with any dignity at all, so just quit while you're ahead.
December 1st, 2009 at 07:45 am
Twilight is a racist movie
December 1st, 2009 at 05:07 pm
how is twilight racist? i hate racists and i love twilight
December 11th, 2009 at 09:45 am
i love twilight....and racism. because black people suck at life and they know it.
i also love people who claim to hate twilight so much that they spend all of their time on the internet reading articles about it and posting comments on why they think it sucks and that anyone who likes it has no life. when in REALITY none of us have a life. whether you're reading twilight, watching the movies, or sitting on your fat ass in front of the computer getting angry at someone for commas, dubbing them an idiot, and leaving comments you think will "really show them. whichever applies to you....you have no life. i have no life. go get a life dammit at least i'm big enough to admit i suck at life because i'm sitting here posting this comment
December 26th, 2009 at 09:35 pm
Were you born a dumbass or did you just grow up that way?
December 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am
Twilight is gayer than the time my I saw my uncle bend over another dude.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am
The scary thing is you probably spent a long, long time thinking this up, and chuckled to yourself as you typed it. Fucktard.
December 1st, 2009 at 06:29 pm
...If by "gayer" you meant Twilight was bad, then you contradicted your self. I think you meant to say, "Twilight is straigter then..." blah blah blah.
On another note, you guys should stop throwing a pissfit over Twilight and Twilight fans. So lyk omg u dont lyk twilite???? Well, guess what? No one really cares. It doesn't change anything. Twilight is just a piece of literature and, believe it not, some INTELLIGENT people actually like it. You would obviously recognize this if you read its positive, professional reviews. \
December 2nd, 2009 at 01:13 pm
Just because intelligent people read it, doesn't make it of any worth. The woman writes like a 5 year old, and the whole thing is a badly constructed sex dream, from the mind of someone who thinks sex is wrong.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
How about instead of focusing on the spelling and grammar, we focus on the fact that this is supposedly written by someone in Jr Jigh. I don't know about you, but where I'm from Jr High, or Middle School, is 6th-8th with girls ages ranging from 10- 14. I don't believe that it's appropriate for anyone of that age range to be talking about the female private parts in such a lewd way, or in any way at all. This is a perfect example of why children shouldn't be allowed to use the internet without adult supervision.
December 1st, 2009 at 07:38 pm
Jesus Christ do you really think this was written by a Jr. High girl? Holy shit are you dumb.
December 1st, 2009 at 08:55 pm
Certainly not. Notice how I said that it was SUPPOSEDLY written by someone in Jr High. But to pass yourself off as girl of such age with that type of language is disturbing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those super uptight conservative prudes. I have a mouth that would make a sailor blush, but there is a time and place for everything. This just isn't one of those times.
December 2nd, 2009 at 07:55 am
There are no REAL 10-14 year olds on the internetz. They are all cops pretending to be 10-14 year olds!!
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:03 am
Nah, I have many friends who are 13 and 14 and they go on the internet, and they say way worse things then this person did in this article!
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 am
Do these "13-14 year old" friends smell like bacon?!?! Its da COPS!!!
December 16th, 2009 at 08:05 am
And what? pre-teen girls don't know they have a vagina, and will most certainly start getting their period? SOON. INNER-MONOLOGUE. "She" can think whatever the heck she wants.And yes, I understand this is an in-character monologue written for the entertainment of readers like us - who then post silly, pointless comments.
December 24th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
How about instead of being an fing retard, you realize that this article is a joke making fun of Twilight. There is no real girl talking about anorexia and popping hardware out of here twat, Ok? So theres no need for the after school special pep speach bullshit.
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