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Inner Monologue of a Twilight Fan

I am so ready to see Twilight: New Moon!  This is the most exciting night of my entire life! I’ve been anxiously awaiting this movie since the first one came out an entire year ago.  It’s been torture, but tonight I’ll finally be redeemed. I’ve got my hair dyed and unevenly cut perfectly, and my plain black t-shirt and checkered slip-on vans are looking super-cool. 
 
 
I can’t believe how wrong I was about vampires before.  I used to think that vampires were these pale, charismatic, immortal eastern-european royalty who can only come out at night because sunlight kills them, but Twilight proves all of that wrong.  That’s because it was written by a Mormon tax auditor from Gilbert, Arizona who has never seen a vampire movie, and had never even written a short story before she wrote Twilight, so she’s got a fresh take on the oldest, most classic monster is folklore history.  She doesn’t have to play by the rules, or follow them, or subscribe to pre-established, centuries-old constructs in any way.
 
 

Plus, I got my tickets four days ago, and I’m here 3 hours early, just to make sure I get a seat right in the middle of the theater, so that when Robert Pattison looks at the camera he’ll be staring right into my eyes.  I don’t have to wait in line for popcorn or candy or anything, because I’ve recently decided to be anorexic, to ensure that I’ll be the first one in the theater and I’ll get the perfect seat.  My mom’s still gonna have to sit in the front, though, with all the other moms.
 
 
I feel so inspired by Twilight. I think I’m going to write a Frankenstein novel, except that instead of being a creature created in a laboratory by a mad scientist using parts of corpses dug up from a graveyard and brought to life through the electricity from a lightning strike, my Frankenstein is going to be a skinny, angsty teenager who falls in love with an awkward, over-emotional girl who’s just like me, but not nearly as lonely.  Also, Frankenstein won’t be dead.  He’ll be just a normal hot guy.  It shouldn’t be too hard to write, because it’s just an average, melodramatic high school love story, except with a supernatural spin that doesn’t quit fit, just to make it easily marketable.  I’ll have to become a mormon, though.  That sucks, but it’s a small price to pay for fame and fortune.
 
 
Oh, man.  How sweet would it be if I got my period during the movie tonight?! That would be so epic.  Bleeding out of my vagina during New Moon would make me the most popular girl in junior high!  I bet I can will that to happen.  I’m gonna try really hard.  I wish I knew how to push with my vagina, like those ladies who can shoot pingpong balls with their pussies and stuff.  That’s probably what you have to do to induce a period during a vampire movie.  I should’ve been practicing for the past year.  Maybe I can just find some ketchup or something and fake it.  I’ll just have to make sure that nobody finds out I faked it, though.  Otherwise, they’ll think I’m weird.  Speaking of weird, what’s up with the creepy dude at the back of the line?
 
 
He’s kind of weirding me out.  He looks way to happy standing in a line of pre-teen girls. He’s all pasty and pale. And what’s up with those weird clothes?  He looks like some kind of…vampire. Oh my god.  I think that guy’s a vampire.  And he’s looking right at me.  He’s pulling me in with his seductive vampire eyes.  I’m powerless to resist.  His smile, which I previously interpreted as being very creepy, must actually be very romantic and supernatural.  I think he’s chosen me to be his soulmate!  Oh my god, this is so exciting.  I can’t believe this is happening.  I can’t believe he chose me!  I’m the most awkward girl here! 
 
 
Oh, he’s beckoning me to his seemingly creepy vampire van in the parking lot.  I have to follow him. I don’t want to disappoint him.  He is, after all, a vampire, just like the hot vampire in Twilight.  I just hope that he’ll induct me into his elite fraternity of immortals.  Then we can be together forever. This is the best night of my life!
 

103 Responses to "Inner Monologue of a Twilight Fan"

  1. Buddy the Elf says:

    Twilight is gayer than the time my I saw my uncle bend over another dude.

  2. Step away from the computer says:

    The scary thing is you probably spent a long, long time thinking this up, and chuckled to yourself as you typed it. Fucktard.

  3. xmscluvrx says:

    How about instead of focusing on the spelling and grammar, we focus on the fact that this is supposedly written by someone in Jr Jigh. I don’t know about you, but where I’m from Jr High, or Middle School, is 6th-8th with girls ages ranging from 10- 14. I don’t believe that it’s appropriate for anyone of that age range to be talking about the female private parts in such a lewd way, or in any way at all. This is a perfect example of why children shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet without adult supervision.

  4. WOW says:

    I don’t know if this monolouge is a bad joke,or just written in poor taste because you don’t care. Whatever the case it is just creepy.
    Anorexia Is not a game. It is not sexy and if you want to “have your Period” you need to eat.
    As far as your lonliness if you maintain an unhealthy thinking pattern about anorexia You will be alone and further away from anyone and any rational thought you may have.
    I know this from Personal experience. Staying a treatment center is not fun and not a game. The recovery from and eating disorder even harder not just on you body,but also on your mind.
    Do yourself a favor have your parents get you a therapist now and move forward. Because Everything you have written for this Monolougue is gross and inapropriate.

  5. Dude says:

    Dude geez chill your shit…are you fucking stupid?? you actually think a 10-15 y/o girl wrote this?? THIS IS FUCKING HOLY TACO MAN! wtf is your problem? xmscluvrx, WOW and onelove…Jesus fucking Mary man!…this was written by the prob very high staff of holy taco, maybe they were on shrooms and opened their minds an got this great idea..

  6. vamp says:

    where’s all da blood gone suckers?!

  7. Yo47 says:

    You guys would be surprised; when I went to middle school, the girls openly talked about their vags and periods all the time, even around the guys, like it was cool or unique or some shit. As I said before, I think this is a pretty accurate monologue.

  8. Pearleemom says:

    Whats even weirder than the monologue is all the bizzare comments that followed!! LOL

  9. BitcherThanYow says:

    I like Twilight as much as the next person (well, probably not- I’m not a screaming moron) but kids like these make you not even want to associate with reading. But come on ‘children’, if you hate Twilight and anything associated with it, why do you persist in visiting sites aimed exclusively at that subject? It all seems a little redundant. But what do I know? Take your anger out on the web, cause really, who else is going to listen to your rants?

  10. Lynda says:

    This is an easily accessed blog. It’s appalling that kids can run across this without half trying. This belongs in a fan-story area, away from the general public. Is this kind of meant-to-shock silliness passing for serious writing these days? Good grief, this is bad. And if this is really written by a kid — her parents need to have a talk with her.

  11. bullshigat says:

    Yes, blogs from a website called “Holy Taco” are passing for serious writing these days. Just as Hemingway got his big break writing captions for the videos on Nothing Toxic. Because that is how the world really works Lynda.

  12. MissBrookeBamBam says:

    Oh boo hoo, poor little anorexics. How fucking tragic that they CHOOSE to starve themselves like that.

    And therapy is a load of shit. Yeah, talking to some random person that you don’t know, who gets paid to listen to you bitch about your petty “problems”, will make everything better.

    I hate American teenage girls. 99% of them are stupid attention whores. “Poor me, I want attention! My life is so HARD! Feel sorry for me!” It’s retarded. They don’t have any REAL problems, so they make them up.

  13. MissBrookeBamBam says:

    And yes, this blog is a joke.

  14. lmfao-lalala says:

    dude fuck you therapists actually dont get paid a shit load of money and they get to know you after a while so we’re not whining to a stranger we’re talking to someone that can help us you obviously have a problme with teenage girls…which one did you get dumped by?

  15. Amazed Reader says:

    I Must say, out of all the comments that I occasionally read on these kinds of sites, Holy Taco’s are the best. Keep on doin’ what you’re doin’ annonymous strangers.

  16. StinkPickle says:

    Is this article about Harry Potter? I didn’t actually read it. Or look at the pictures. Anyway, has anyone else ever farted so hard it felt like your heart stopped? Because it is most awesome.

  17. Twilighter says:

    …If by “gayer” you meant Twilight was bad, then you contradicted your self. I think you meant to say, “Twilight is straigter then…” blah blah blah.

    On another note, you guys should stop throwing a pissfit over Twilight and Twilight fans. So lyk omg u dont lyk twilite???? Well, guess what? No one really cares. It doesn’t change anything. Twilight is just a piece of literature and, believe it not, some INTELLIGENT people actually like it. You would obviously recognize this if you read its positive, professional reviews. \

  18. read my comment says:

    funny stuff. long winded comments.. before you type two paragraphs, remember, no one cares what you think.

  19. Lynda's Son says:

    you are hot naked.

  20. Dude says:

    Fapping at the photo of the day??…

  21. ReadItAgain says:

    Dude are you all serious? Because this article isn’t! It’s a satire, taking the mind of a tween Twilight fan to an extreme. It’s pretty hilarious when you read it and half way through realize someone was doing this as a funny satire. I’m a fan of Anne Rice’s version of vampires and a fan of some other vampire stuff but i’m not emo or “vampireish?” Just a normal girl who likes to read it, so Twilight was a disappointment because I love how Anne Rice writes, and Twilight reads like a 17 year old girl wrote it and it’s not the best writing. I enjoy something that opens my mind and really takes you into a story that you’d never expect! And Twilight doesn’t do it for me……woah that was really long

  22. WTF? says:

    Jesus Christ do you really think this was written by a Jr. High girl? Holy shit are you dumb.

  23. lynda's husband says:

    you think the kids have got it bad, try not being able to get an erection for six years!

  24. xmscluvrx says:

    Certainly not. Notice how I said that it was SUPPOSEDLY written by someone in Jr High. But to pass yourself off as girl of such age with that type of language is disturbing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those super uptight conservative prudes. I have a mouth that would make a sailor blush, but there is a time and place for everything. This just isn’t one of those times.

  25. biizz says:

    Man for Holy Taco the commenter’s on this site are little whinny bitches. Man if you are going to be feminist and sensitive go on Jezebel. I had deep hope for Holy Taco commentors to be insensitive, misogynistic, and rude! I am not pleased.

    -___-

  26. ha! says:

    Therapists don’t do shit. They ask questions. And I’m pretty sure $30+ an hour is a shit load of money. The Twilight movies are shit. Go watch real actors.

  27. Lady says:

    Hey, next tme you spoof something, try to play on facts, not stereotypes. This just makes you sound unneessarily judgemental.

  28. DaveLovesBacon says:

    There are no REAL 10-14 year olds on the internetz. They are all cops pretending to be 10-14 year olds!!

  29. DaveLovesBacon says:

    very high staff? As is high in the ranks? I thought there were like three of them…or do you mean stoned?!? That makes more sense…carry on!!

  30. DaveLovesBacon says:

    Lynda,
    First I would like to welcome you to the Internets. I don’t have time to give you the full tour, but I think you will be appalled at what kids can run across without half trying.

  31. DaveLovesBacon says:

    Fuck you and the whore you rode in on!!

  32. person says:

    Nah, I have many friends who are 13 and 14 and they go on the internet, and they say way worse things then this person did in this article!

  33. reckLESS says:

    Man how long does it take for you get all that sand out of your vagina in the morning?

  34. person says:

    HAHAHAH wow, the comments are funnier then the article! Some of these people are complete dumbshits!!

  35. DaveLovesBacon says:

    Do these “13-14 year old” friends smell like bacon?!?! Its da COPS!!!

  36. DaveLovesBacon says:

    There is no such thing as unnecessarily judgmental…That is like saying unnecessarily horny.
    Right now we are judging youEventually someone (most likely a fag) will post below me and be judged as well.

    Oh, and spell check yer shit!

  37. Evil Taco says:

    Just because intelligent people read it, doesn’t make it of any worth. The woman writes like a 5 year old, and the whole thing is a badly constructed sex dream, from the mind of someone who thinks sex is wrong.

  38. Evil Taco says:

    anorexia’s a disease. You don’t choose to do that, any more than a schizophrenic chooses to hear voices.

  39. Evil Taco says:

    holy taco isn’t directed specificaly at the subject of twilight.

    As for why they do it? Because it’s funny to see people try to explain how an amaturishly written young adult novel is their favorite thing ever, when they’re a housewife in their 30s.

  40. Glittery RemCakes says:

    This is wonderfully written and pretty hilarious. Thank you for putting it out there. Pretty twisted country we live in where a book where werewolf falls in love with a baby is OK reading material for pubescent girls.
    \
    R3~

  41. CrunchyHymen says:

    Also, “WOW”, your complete inability to perceive the satire in this article helps explain your cited experiences – you’re an absolute moron (lacking the rational thought that this fictitious teen is going to be “further” from, should she continue to want fictitious anorexia).

    Telling fictional people on the internet about your personally-experienced stays in treatment centers is incredible – in a bad way. People who need a treatment center to overcome a self-inflicted disorder are weak..but hey, maybe if more teens seek such help they too can someday highlight the mistakes of fictional-article-writing-vampiric-teens-on-the-internet, and then back-it-up with their story of personal experience.

    Personal tragedy, regardless of origin, makes you more interesting, right?

  42. CrunchyHymen says:

    Anorexia is a disorder, not a disease.

    You should watch the Southpark about Stan’s dad and AA.

  43. A says:

    i am a hardcore twilight fan (and have been so before the movies back when the books first came out and noone knew they existed) and this whole “inner monologue” is the reason people hate us and think were freaks-it is ridiculous and puts shame on twihards everywhere…just thought u should know

  44. unhappyparakeet says:

    well, you kind of ruined yourself by using the word twihard.

  45. LOL says:

    AOL is bad today…this was the best reading!! Even enjoyed the silly comments….Yep!! We do need more GAY Vampires!! Tell me where they are!
    If this gets any worse I may start reading the ads :-0

  46. expectations says:

    So, what went on in the van? Will there be a part two?

  47. Anonymously Awesome says:

    TROLL? 8D Lulz. This article is secretly about PedoBear. The ending says so.

  48. Confused 0_0 says:

    I’m so confused by this…while everyone is critiquing this stupid webpage announcement by Twilight lover girl, i am under the impression this was written as a joke, am i wrong?

  49. Non says:

    Of course you were a fan before anyone knew about the books. It’s cooler that way, right? You’re so hard core. Also, the “inner monologue” is not the reason people hate you “twihards.”

  50. Onlooker says:

    You, all are, complaining, how she, improperly used a word, or a comma,,,. Guess what, your the losers, who are, trying to find these mistakes. Hows your day so far? Is it, any better? Losers. Did you find all my improperly placed commas? lol

  51. marie says:

    why’s everyone so mean? her story’s funny so just drop it! you people aren’t perfect either always judging n shit.

  52. Hello!!! says:

    And what? pre-teen girls don’t know they have a vagina, and will most certainly start getting their period? SOON. INNER-MONOLOGUE. “She” can think whatever the heck she wants.And yes, I understand this is an in-character monologue written for the entertainment of readers like us – who then post silly, pointless comments.

  53. MaraLyksBACON says:

    What are you guys doing????You guys are dip shits,,,,GO BACK TO WHERE U BROKE OUT OF!!!!But i have to say………………………………………………………………………………………,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Yes i did the comma thing just to annoy some people…….But some posts just made my day…..LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLZ

  54. Sheezis says:

    How about instead of being an fing retard, you realize that this article is a joke making fun of Twilight. There is no real girl talking about anorexia and popping hardware out of here twat, Ok? So theres no need for the after school special pep speach bullshit.

  55. TIffany says:

    I love you for that.

  56. Sugar Shane says:

    in the 4th paragraph, you spelled quite as quit. Do you nerds even have spell check? Even this comment box has spell check.

  57. C877 says:

    Since ‘quit’ IS a word spelled correctly, spellcheck wouldn’t do much, would it?! Fuckstick…

  58. MyFightWiffaCheeto says:

    Quite and Quit are both words, so a spellchecker wouldn’t throw a shit fit over the mistake; but don’t worry, you did.

  59. Dude says:

    For this comment i wont let you fuck your mother next week, so this week and next week is still my turn

  60. spullchicker says:

    You didn’t need a comma after paragraph. Maybe you should learn how to properly punctuate a sentence.

  61. Dan says:

    Actually, the comma isn’t wrong. It isn’t necessary, but it can be there.

  62. Just so you know says:

    Actually, the comma is correctly used in his sentence. It is called an introduction comma.

  63. Commadude says:

    ‘Introductory’ comma is just a phrase used to justify unnecessary commas used by poor writers. Such commas are incorrect.

  64. Evil Taco says:

    I’ll introduce my comma to your mother.

  65. Bitch Please says:

    lawl at everything

  66. Who Cares says:

    DUDE. shes writing about vampires, yet im seeing stuff about commas?!? who really cares about commas! who cares if she uses correct punctuation?

  67. Queen Sarah the Cute says:

    Marcoooooo

  68. Oh dear says:

    PPPOOLLLLLOOOOOO!!!!!!!

  69. Philosofag says:

    The bears… they can smell the menstruation…

  70. wifebeater says:

    HA!

  71. Malal13 says:

    Well played sir!

  72. bullshigat says:

    This was pretty fucken weak. Seriously fuck off with all the twilight bullshit already internet. We get it, its a lame as fuck rendering of something that used to be cool, but actually never was, because vampires are all gay. The traditional vampire is a supernatural depiction that nerds have of themselves. They can’t go out in the sun, super pasty white skin, crappy one dimensional diets, and staying up all night. The new vampire is a depiction of what mentally handicapped emo tweens want: homos turned straight, but with all of the homo habits and tendencies that make girls say, “all the best guys are gay.” No, they aren’t; they just happen to enjoy sucking cocks more than you. Im outty 5000

  73. OneLove says:

    Leave her alone dude shes a kid. Oh wait you are too more than likely. I think its cool that shes actually writing, bogging, whatever you wanna call it, instead of wasting time on video games.

  74. beep says:

    Where does it say that this was written by a woman or a child? If by your standards sitting behind a computer typing witticisms is something to be praised, the person that wrote that comment should be given a fucking metal.

  75. question says:

    what kind of metal? cuz there’s lots.

  76. bullshigat says:

    I have always been partial to Zinc.

  77. Hot46 says:

    I got a raging comma

  78. bullshigat says:

    Except Blade. He gets a pass because he is pretty badass. And black, because im totally not racist, so black people can’t suck at anything ever.

  79. s3xt0y says:

    black people have dominated so many sports, if not all, lol.

    back to the point twilight is so annoying.

  80. BillyBlaze says:

    Oh really? Name one black swimmer. You can’t because blacks are afraid of water

  81. NogStomper says:

    As well as dogs, sheets, cops, and work.

  82. nerd says:

    Kate Beckinsale gets a pass too, mostly because she is hot and stuff. But I think she was some kind of half vampire. But then again, so was Blade. Most full vampires are still pretty gay.

  83. jerkoff says:

    there was a black guy on the US olympic swimming relay team, but let’s be honest, he almost cost them the gold

  84. actually says:

    actually, cullen jones is a black swimmer. he’s quite good too.

  85. Haha says:

    *ONE* black swimmer… great find.

  86. blahmahgan says:

    you all smell.

  87. Chuck says:

    lulz.

  88. guest says:

    the frankenstein prt was funnier when it was an snl skit.

  89. Yo47 says:

    This is the most accurate Twilight series article ever. Thank you for this expose on how those bitchy preteen mind zombies really think, if they think at all. As for you commentors who are hating on this all-too-true-article with an ugly passion, why don’t you just go back to your lonely little room and masturbate to Edward looking into your eyes from your 12-inch TV? It’s a joke, seriously. Besides, it’s virtually impossible to stand up for Twilight with any dignity at all, so just quit while you’re ahead.

  90. Anonymously says:

    Twilight is a racist movie

  91. lmfao-lalala says:

    how is twilight racist? i hate racists and i love twilight

  92. racist says:

    i love twilight….and racism. because black people suck at life and they know it.
    i also love people who claim to hate twilight so much that they spend all of their time on the internet reading articles about it and posting comments on why they think it sucks and that anyone who likes it has no life. when in REALITY none of us have a life. whether you’re reading twilight, watching the movies, or sitting on your fat ass in front of the computer getting angry at someone for commas, dubbing them an idiot, and leaving comments you think will “really show them. whichever applies to you….you have no life. i have no life. go get a life dammit at least i’m big enough to admit i suck at life because i’m sitting here posting this comment

  93. Anna says:

    Were you born a dumbass or did you just grow up that way?

  94. Lately. says:

    Dude. Awesome post.

  95. Hanne says:

    Oh, this made my day. My husband and I have been fans of various vampire and other horror flicks for years, we go to them for laughs.

    Twilight has got to be the second worst vampire flick I have ever seen! It’s a guidebook to becoming a suicidal codependent mess. It was all I could do to keep from coming back with Rocky Horror-esque callbacks through the whole movie. Even as a teenager, I think if I had run into any of the characters I would have staked them on principle! A vampire in GLITTER? Really? Good old Dracula would probably impale himself first! And has anyone noticed how most of the characters look like heroin addicts?

    This woman should be banned from writing anything…even emails. I am not into censorship, but there really ought to be a minimum intelligence level required to get your stuff published. The books are only good for toilet paper or starting a campfire.

    And ps–I’m Mormon. Many of us have much higher literary standards and education than the idiot who wrote this crap.

  96. Felldew says:

    Fuck fucking Twilight. Even the parodies are old. We don’t care. It isn’t clever anymore. STFU.

  97. TIffany says:

    My thoughts exactly.

  98. GigglesticksTheClown says:

    I like it when people bitch about things on the internet. It makes me feel like less of a jackass. It also gives me something to laugh at. I hope everybody, that bitches about a misplaced comma goes to hell and dies and gets gangraped by hitler and satan but instead of anal or oral, hitler and satan cut holes in their chest and repeatedly shove their 14 inch penises (yes, O.G. Mudbone is in fact, the devil) into their torn pectoral muscles.
    Oh, and Edward has uneven nipples.
    Maybe that’s why the entire twilight franchise sucks extensively in every possible way.

  99. TIffany says:

    This was a waste of time to read. Meaning: realistic, horrifying, and not funny.
    And damn, it was a parody. Parodys are at least supposed to be funny!

  100. Sunshine says:

    HAHA!! All of you are a bunch of losers!! except the person who did this blog. Why would you want to waist your time correcting their mistakes? seriously. Man, you all must not have a life if you got to pick on someone you don’t even know! and if you are tired of the twilight saga on the internet then dont click on the stuff and read it, otherwise you must be into it!! And who cares if this article is a joke or not! At least it is more interesting than almost all your stupid comments!

  101. just wonderng? says:

    Quick question, how many of you have actually read the books?

  102. missymiss says:

    What ze fuck…..
    This is a real blog?
    If so, I almost feel a personal responsibility to find this girl and hit her repeatedly in the head until it starts working..
    Not just for the Twilight factor..just…

    I’m going to cut out my own uterus if it means I’ll never have kids like this….

  103. bla-di-dah says:

    I find this entire article to be funny.. :)
    And fuck everyone for their “comment, comma, and spelling” issues!!!!
    OH LOOK quotations used wrong! too many exclamation points! OH no no capital letters in the beginning of…..

    My favorite thing from the comments was the word fucktard!