I am so ready to see Twilight: New Moon
! This is the most exciting night of my entire life! I’ve been anxiously awaiting this movie since the first one came out an entire year ago. It’s been torture
, but tonight I’ll finally be redeemed. I’ve got my hair dyed and unevenly cut perfectly, and my plain black t-shirt and checkered slip-on vans are looking super-cool.
I can’t believe how wrong I was about vampires before. I used to think that vampires were these pale, charismatic, immortal eastern-european royalty who can only come out at night because sunlight kills them, but Twilight
proves all of that wrong. That’s because it was written by a Mormon
tax auditor from Gilbert, Arizona who has never seen a vampire movie, and had never even written a short story before she wrote Twilight, so she’s got a fresh take on the oldest, most classic monster is folklore history. She doesn’t have to play by the rules, or follow them, or subscribe to pre-established, centuries-old constructs in any way.
Plus, I got my tickets four days ago, and I’m here 3 hours early, just to make sure I get a seat right in the middle of the theater, so that when Robert Pattison looks at the camera he’ll be staring right into my eyes. I don’t have to wait in line for popcorn or candy or anything, because I’ve recently decided to be anorexic, to ensure that I’ll be the first one in the theater and I’ll get the perfect seat. My mom’s still gonna have to sit in the front, though, with all the other moms.
I feel so inspired by Twilight
. I think I’m going to write a Frankenstein novel, except that instead of being a creature created in a laboratory by a mad scientist using parts of corpses dug up from a graveyard and brought to life through the electricity from a lightning strike, my Frankenstein is going to be a skinny, angsty teenager who falls in love with an awkward, over-emotional girl who’s just like me, but not nearly as lonely. Also, Frankenstein won’t be dead. He’ll be just a normal hot guy. It shouldn’t be too hard to write, because it’s just an average, melodramatic high school love story,
except with a supernatural spin that doesn’t quit fit, just to make it easily marketable. I’ll have to become a mormon, though. That sucks, but it’s a small price to pay for fame and fortune.
Oh, man. How sweet would it be if I got my period during the movie tonight?! That would be so epic. Bleeding out of my vagina during New Moon would make me the most popular girl in junior high! I bet I can will that to happen. I’m gonna try really hard. I wish I knew how to push with my vagina, like those ladies who can shoot pingpong balls with their pussies and stuff. That’s probably what you have to do to induce a period during a vampire movie. I should’ve been practicing for the past year. Maybe I can just find some ketchup or something and fake it. I’ll just have to make sure that nobody finds out I faked it, though. Otherwise, they’ll think I’m weird. Speaking of weird, what’s up with the creepy dude at the back of the line?
He’s kind of weirding me out. He looks way to happy standing in a line of pre-teen girls. He’s all pasty and pale. And what’s up with those weird clothes? He looks like some kind of…vampire. Oh my god. I think that guy’s a vampire. And he’s looking right at me. He’s pulling me in with his seductive vampire eyes. I’m powerless to resist. His smile, which I previously interpreted as being very creepy, must actually be very romantic and supernatural. I think he’s chosen me to be his soulmate! Oh my god, this is so exciting. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe he chose me! I’m the most awkward girl here!
Oh, he’s beckoning me to his seemingly creepy vampire van in the parking lot. I have to follow him. I don’t want to disappoint him. He is, after all, a vampire, just like the hot vampire in Twilight. I just hope that he’ll induct me into his elite fraternity of immortals. Then we can be together forever. This is the best night of my life!