My parents called me retarded when I told them I wanted to sell vuvuzelas for a living. They really used that word. Retarded. That’s harsh. But who’s the retard now, mom? Sure, I used to sell an obscure horn primarily used in South Africa, but now? Now I sell a beloved icon of the celebration of
athletic excellence.
Business has been brisk, and it shows no sign of slowing down. Yesterday? Completely swamped. I had to hire five new employees just to handle the rush! Yes sir, it’s all champagne wishes and caviar dreams for me from now on.
These plastic horns are going to buy me a yacht. And a house. And sluts. Man, I don’t know much about sluts, but I know they love a dude with cash. And now that I’m an international vendor of the finest vuvuzelas money can buy, I’m going to have enough cash to have all the sluts I can handle. And believe me, I can handle plenty as lonely as I’ve been lately.
But not anymore. No more lonely nights, no more borderline bankruptcy, no more 1987 Yugo with the ripped vinyl interior and the missing floorboard. That’s a really dangerous car to drive. I could fall right through that hole in the floor. Good thing I don’t have to travel much. I just login to my website each morning and like magic, another 10,000 vuvuzelas sold. It’s been like that for weeks now. Thank you, World Cup!
In fact, I’m going to do that right now. I wonder how many I’ve sold today? I’ve normally checked by this time in the day, but I was up really late celebrating. That final game of the World Cup was fun, but the party afterwards was raucous! And spendy! I think I damn near drained my bank account at that strip club! I wonder if that chick’s name is really Precious? That’s a funny name, but fitting considering her
rack.
I think I’ll go see her again tonight. But this time, I’m going to pop the question. That’s right, I’m going to ask how much cash it would take to convince her to sleep with me. Money is no object now that I’m the world’s leading exporter of the vuvuzela. Let me just login and see how many I’ve sold today. Then I’ll know how much I can afford to spend.
Ok, looks like I’m in a world of shit. I literally have not sold one since yesterday. Not even a single visit to my website. Maybe if I word my suicide note just right Precious will still sleep with me. I know, I’ll text it to her, she gave me her phone number. Let me pull that out and dial her up.
Son of a bitch! This is my phone number! Mom was right, I’m a retard. Damn you vuvuzelas!!!!!!!!!!!!
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
Man I would love to have one of those blue ones!
Lou
http://www.privacy-tools.es.tc
One moment he was selling vuvuzelas like crazy, the other he wasn’t. The emotions got switched pretty fast without being noticed. Like he didn’t care, which he did.
Nevertheless worth reading. *