There are two extremes in every fantasy baseball league. On one end of the spectrum, there’s the guy who lives, breathes and loves fantasy baseball. He’s spent the last three months charting the projections for every major and minor league player and knows every OBP, OPS and K/BB ratios by heart. On the other end of the spectrum is the guy who got dragged in to a league because they needed one more player. Here’s what goes through both of their minds during the draft.
First Round
Inner Monologue Of The Guy At Your Fantasy Baseball Draft Who Doesn’t Know Very Much About Fantasy Baseball
Why did I agree to do this stupid draft? I don’t even like baseball.Charles wouldn’t stop bugging me ’cause he "needed a twelfth guy for league." Fine, whatever. Let’s get this over with. Oh shit, I got the first pick. What do I do? A-Rod? Shit, I think he’s suspended or something. What about that guy with the funny name. Pupu? No. Pooness? No. Pooholes? Yeah, that’s it. I’ll take Pooholes.
Inner Monologue Of The Guy At Your Fantasy Baseball Draft That Takes It Way Too Seriously
Alright, I have the second pick, Hanley Ramirez is gonna be gone, and that’s fine, his splits last year indicated a big drop off this year. I don’t want him anyway, even if he fell to me. I’ll take Pujols, he’s solid, first base isn’t as deep as people think this year. Pujols would be my pick even if I had the first pick. Ha! What a friggin idiot! He took Pujols first! Does he know what the average OBSP is for first basemen?! Oh my GOD, what a fuggin idiot. I’m going to let the entire clock run down on my pick right here, just so everyone can laugh at this asshole. I should probably mouth the words "Wow" to a couple people near me.
Inner Monologue Of The Guy At Your Fantasy Baseball Draft Who Doesn’t Know Very Much About Fantasy Baseball
Why is that guy laughing? Is Pooholes dead or something? Shit, I hate this. I never should have agreed to do this stupid-ass draft. These goddamn nerds and all their dumbass shit. You call this a fantasy? In my book, a fantasy usually involves some big titties. Why don’t you go outside and play a real sport. This shit is like Dungeons and Dragons type shit. Assholes.
FOURTH ROUND
Guy That Takes Fantasy Baseball Way Too Seriously
I can’t WAIT until someone drafts A-rod so I can say, "I think he’s going to put up some big numbers in April." I workshopped that line with everyone in the mock draft I did yesterday and they were DYING laughing.
Guy Who Doesn’t Know Very Much About Fantasy Baseball
I really should’ve bought one of those magazines with all the players names in it because I am running out of dudes I’ve heard of. What the hell are all these guys writing down? Am I supposed to be taking notes or something? Here’s a note for you: "You are all losers." God, this is so gay.
TENTH ROUND
Guy Who Doesn’t Know Very Much About Fantasy Baseball
Hey, homos, here’s a news flash: You don’t actually control these guys. This isn’t "your squad." These are guys who have lives. Do you think they sit around in a sweaty room and draft a bunch of Regional Managers who neglect their kids on a perfectly good Saturday afternoon? Fuck it, I am going to start drinking. That’s a draught I can definitely dominate. Jesus Christ, we aren’t even halfway done and I’ve been sitting here for two hours.
Guy That Takes Fantasy Baseball Way Too Seriously
God, I’m so pumped up to take Matt Weiters. I knew he was going to be awesome four years ago when I saw his high school numbers. Why am I sweaty right now? I need to take off this sweatshirt. Wait, I’m not wearing anything underneath it. That’d be weird."
TWENTIETH ROUND
Guy Who Doesn’t Know Very Much About Fantasy Baseball
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt. My brain is melting out of my goddamn skull. I’m gonna see if I can draft the liquid robot from Terminator 2. I bet that guy would have a kickass on base percentage or whatever it is they’re talking about. He’d be a million times better than Matt "I’m Not A Liquid Robot From The Future" Wieters. That liquid robot would put spikes through pitcher’s foreheads whenever they struck him out. And then when he got a hit, he’d turn into a blade so if someone tried to tag him out, their arm would get cut off. I’d watch the shit out of baseball if liquid robot was on a team. Shit, my turn. I guess I’ll take Kelvim Escobar.
Guy That Takes Fantasy Baseball Way Too Seriously
OH MY GOD, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. KELVIM ESCOBAR IS OUT FOR HALF THE SEASON DUDE!! Oh shit, I can’t even stop laughing! What a loser this guy is. I’m totally changing my team name to the Kelvim Escobars. Wait till everyone sees that. I should change it now and send an e-mail to all the league managers and say "check out my team, it’s out for half the season!"
LAST ROUND
Guy That Takes Fantasy Baseball Way Too Seriously
Round 30. This is where the league is won. I have to take someone NO ONE has ever heard of. That way everyone will ask me who it is and I’ll be like "you’ll know who he is in september when he’s averaging 7.9 strikeouts per nine innings, bro."
Guy Who Doesn’t Know Very Much About Fantasy Baseball
Holy shit…is this thing over? I’m glad I just blew four and a half hours on a weekend to pick a team that I won’t look at for the rest of the year. Have fun jacking each other off, dickheads.
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
“guy who doesn’t know much” was me last year. I will never play fantasy baseball again. this is hilariously accurate
Cool… i guess? Who gives a shit.
whoa dude, do you like live WoW and DnD, that sounds awesome! where can i sign up? im guessing there will be a line of smelly, sweaty, overweight losers that will point me in the right direction?? no?? its online?? oh wow, even more gay, have fun playing WoW and DnD!!
This chick plays WoW. I think even you would fap to that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrEvqyARDnc
these monologues speak the truth. and this one hits straight to the heart. I take fantasy way too seriously.
bravo
haha, fantasy leagues
more like fantasy faggots
fuck this gay shit
Haha. This is funny stuff and pretty accurate. Even funnier is that in defense of WoW good ole Pierre found a youtube video of a girl he “faps” too. You suck at life Pierre!
agreed-did it once and it was gay as shit….never did it again
i wouldnt go that far. you dont just watch WoW and just watch DnD, you actually play it so you use more of your mind then some lame ass baseball.
Here’s the social rule about fantasy leaguers:
You can’t make fun of people who play WoW or DnD because that’s essentially what you are doing, except instead of Critical Strike and Parry Chance, there’s Completion Percentage and Free Throws Attempted.
agreed. I don’t play either WoW or DnD, but I at least understand the appeal, where you are fighting dragons and are a total badass with a sword and magic spells or whatever. That’s stuff you can’t do in real life. Fantasy leagues are dumb shit because you are just as much a loser as the other guys, but you are talking about a fantasy you could play out in real life if you do one of the following:
1) Go outside with a baseball bat and a ball and play some ball (applicable to other sports as well)
2) Go out and watch the actual games with the actual people you’ve been discussing for the past 5 hours.
Hilarious! You couldn’t have been more on point.
never played fantasy baseball
but if I did, I’d pick pooholes