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Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)

Everyone hates Walmart, even if 150% of their groceries, appliances, medicine, toys, electronics, jewelry, and phone plans come from there. So when some renegade worker shows up and makes his company looks like a bunch of jagoffs, everybody claps their hands and squeals with glee. Even if he isn’t real.

“Shane” is some random deli worker at some random Walmart, and apparently he’s a hilariously bad apple. A series of now-viral bulletin board warnings from his exasperated manager have pleaded with Shane to stop offering extended warranties on chicken, selling the deli equipment, wearing multiple name tags and pretending to have multiple personalities, and offering free samples from the electronics department, among many other gut-busting offenses.


“Hey, I’m just practicing for when I’m manager and have an entire store full of puppets to play with.”

Damn near two million hits later (plus thousands of shares from the countless websites that celebrate this guy), Shane has proven that we love nothing more than a clown who doesn’t take his minimum-wage job seriously because he has a brighter, and far funnier, future ahead of him.

Of course, lost among the gleeful spreading of Shane’s wacky exploits is that it’s painfully, blatantly, beyond transparently fake, and that’s before you realize the text surrounding the warnings are the same thing repeated over and over again. Are we so desperate to make the Waltons look like buffoons that we’ll just invent a wacky worker and convince ourselves he’s some Working Class Hero sticking it to The Man in the most hilarious fashion imaginable?

Want proof this guy’s pure fiction? Here’s a bunch of conversations I had with some irreverent jesters who tried to be Shane. See if you can spot the pattern:

ME: Biff, tell me why you lost your job with CVS after just two days?

BIFF: I told a few elderly customers that the new smartphone cameras would steal their souls, just like the Indians prophesied.

ME: So they complained and the manager let you go?

BIFF: Oh yeah. Literally tossed me out on my ass he did, like a cartoon character getting thrown out of an old-timey saloon. I didn’t even get a written warning! Apparently, “scaring the old people” is a one-strike-and-you’re-out offense.

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ME: OK Hunter, what happened at McDonald’s? You were there one day and then suddenly you weren’t.

HUNTER: They asked me to clean the floor and I did so using expired milkshake formula as mopwater. It smelt delicious, and they should have appreciated me for it! Not cut me a final check on the spot and threaten a restraining order if I ever come back.

ME: Your quirky line of thinking wasn’t what a multi-billion dollar corporation looks for in its pornographically-expendable shift workers? Imagine that.

HUNTER: RIGHT??? What squares.

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ME: Rebecca, you just can’t seem to hold down a job! Lowe’s just waved bye-bye to you, and for what?

REBECCA: I put all the stock on a bunch of forklifts and raised everything up 15 feet. Then I charged customers $15 for ten minutes of ladder use.

ME: Wow, and they didn’t lecture you via whimsical wipe-off board, just pointed to the door and told you to get to steppin’?

REBECCA: Not only that, but they’re suing me for the ladder money, saying I “defrauded the company and compromised their integrity” or some bullshit. It’s like nobody has a sense of humor anymore!

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ME: Jack, could you explain why we’re conducting this interview via phone at a prison visitation booth?

JACK: I killed my manager at Subway.

ME: Oh … that’s not as wonderfully silly as I had hoped.

JACK: Well, I killed him after he publicly warned me via bulletin board that eating half of every sandwich to “test it for poison” before giving the other half to the customer and charging full price was unacceptable. That was really humiliating when he did that.

ME: And you slit his throat for that?

JACK: Hey, I also gutted him! Give me some proper credit bro.

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If you want to express your displeasure at Walmart, there are better routes to take instead of just sharing a bunch of bullshit pictures. Not shopping there’s a pretty good start, I’ve heard.

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