You’ve all demanded it, and now you’re going to get it! Conservative firebrand and now former Fox News pundit Glenn Beck will be starting his own clothing line called 1791: The Original Blueprint. “That’s when the Bill of Rights happened,” said Glenn, in a discussion with Bill O’Reily. “[We] need to go back to the original blueprint…to go back and be who you are supposed to be.”
For the ultra-low price of $29.99 you can be the hippest, coolest patriot north of the slave-owning states with this dashing ensemble of large coats, pointy hats, and pissed off dispositions that will motivate you to parade through neighborhood streets proudly showing off your patriotism by banging on snare drums. Nothing says America like syncopated drumming with your friends at 2 in the morning while sweating like hogs in your heat-retaining clothing!
For $59.99 you, too, can hang with the aristocrats with this stylish black robe that’s offset by two paper towel rolls that will capture any errantly sprayed spittle that will spring forth from the rabid froth that builds up around your mouth after a long day of yelling at people that are different! Top it all off with a luxurious wig for $57.99 and your dream of having a head of hair that very closely resembles a set of dying lungs will be fully realized!
But don’t think we’re leaving you out, ladies! For $83.72 you can dawn in yourself in the dress of the 18th century’s most reputable lot of feminine stock with this skimpy one-piece apron/waistcoat/petticoat Sheet With Holes For Your Extremities!
Remember, ladies: if you want an article of clothing that makes you look like you ate your weight in freshly-churned butter, go with the Sheet With Holes For Your Extremities! Now with 35% more greyness!
And only with 1791 will you be able to find the right ‘coon skin cap for your rambunctious son! That’s right, after you purchase our genuine wood hunting rifle for $350.00, your son will be able to shoot all of the wildlife he can so he can later convert them in to headwear!
And, of course, what would the 1791 collection be without clothing inspired by our true forefathers, the noble savage. The Nobel Savage Collection features a bunch of feathers and grass or some dirty shit, along with some fashionable flat discs of clay that represent earth and polytheistic gods or something like that. If you come in we’ll just give you the Nobel Savage Collection for free, assuming Waste Management allows us to keep our dried hedge clippings and fallen palm frawns during wildfire season.