Today, March 8th, 2011, is a joyous day for all. For women, it is the celebration of the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, a day where women all over the world take pride in the huge strides in equality women have made since the early 1900s. And for all sexes it is the beginning of Mardi Gras, the day Catholics (and everyone, really) binge and purge and live out all of their most hedonistic desires before Lent comes and takes all the fun out of life.
Obviously, there is cause for celebration for all sexes. But I want to speak to the women today, as your day highlights your near constant struggle to be taken seriously in a world still mostly dominated by men who are still stuck in their old ways of thinking; namely, that women are somehow inferior and are good for little else than to be looked at.
Women of the world, today, on this day of mass celebration, you must rise and show the men of the world that you are not to be treated like sexual playthings. You must band together and unite under the banner of equality. On this fine day show men your strength! Show men your power! Show men your tits!
Your tits are a defining symbol of your hardships. They are practically a mascot for femininity. If they were a mascot their name would be Tits McGee. But that’s beside the point. The point is this: your tits are a symbol of your strength and your tireless commitment to achieve greatness in a male dominated world. I say, what better way to express your strength then by taking a cue from great Mardi Gras traditions and showing men your tits often, maybe in exchange for some cheap plastic beaded necklaces, which will only further the idea of your female strength.
By imbibing an almost deadly series of alcoholic beverages as you hop from bar to bar, presenting your tits to packs of unwieldy men that want nothing more than to continue to hold their feet to your necks, you will be showing them the strength and power they refuse to believe you have. When you say “I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!”, roar with your tits. The men will almost surely be disgusted and will hurl insults your way — along with a few beads — in an attempt to shield themselves from your unbridled display of fierce feminine power; but do not allow their hateful words to pierce your heart, for they know nothing of the pride you take in your tits.
And when a camera crew shows up to ironically hand women T-shirts for removing their shirts and exposing their tits, rush to the center stage and expose your tits to the camera so they may be recorded for posterity. In due time, millions will watch you expose your powerful tits on late night infomercials, and they will think, “Gosh, those are the tits of a powerful woman that respects herself and the cause of feminism!”
So today, women of the world, take a moment to combine two wonderful celebratory traditions in to one by showing men – all men – your tits.
Drunken casual one-night stands are also an acceptable form of expressing female strength.