As I mentioned in the title, it’s not every day I get to write an article about a 100 pound scrotum. In fact, this is the very first of its kind. I’ve dreamed of one day being able to claim that I got paid to sit down and compose a work based around the idea of a man with a scrotum that weighs as much as I did in the 8th grade.
I’ve written about many varied and often times silly subjects. Strange tales of sex, crime, hate, pooping, more pooping, some more pooping, and then love – but not nearly as many about love as I’ve written ones about pooping. Never once in the hundreds and hundreds of articles I’ve written (again, mostly about pooping and any and all variations thereof) never have I had the distinct pleasure to write about a man with gigantic balls that can’t fit in my trunk, because my car is a compact hatchback and if I can barely fit groceries in there, a 100 pound scrot surely will not.
So, here I am, writing an article about a man with a scrotum that weighs the default amount of weight we all use in conversation when we want to exaggerate how heavy something was without going too big that it seems like we’re just trying to get some sympathy for having to lift a heavy thing, even though that’s exactly what we’re doing when we say “it was, like, 100 pounds, man. I swear! No joke!” This man’s testicles are that default 100 pounds, and like that default 100 pounds, it’s no joke; only in this case this man, a one Wesley Warren Jr. from Las Vegas, has to carry this cartoonishly large scrotum around with him.
And the surgery to make his 100 pound scrotum go away and turn it in to a…uh…3 Oz. scrotum? I don’t know. I just realized, of all the people, places, and things I’ve put my balls on, of all the nouns my balls have come in contact with, I’ve never once put them on a scale. Anyway, as I was saying…And the surgery to make his 100 pound scrotum go away and turn it in to a [average ball sack weight] scrotum will run him $1 million.
Want to know something kind of funny that will make this less tragic and depressing, even though it’s at Wesley’s expense?
When he wears red pants he looks like he is Santa’s sack of presents.
And, yes, in case you were wondering, $1 million is also the default amount of money we all say in conversation when we want to exaggerate the price of something to gain some shred of selfish sympathy for poor little old us and how we had to actually pay money to buy something. Unlike 100, 1 million makes it very apparent that you’re a selfish, sympathy-seeking loser.
Either way, they’re both ridiculous numbers that seem fake but are real, apparently.
And now I’ve written an article about a 100 pound scrotum.