It’s Squirrel Appreciation Day!

Is your life completely devoid of love for rodents that can usually be found hopping along power lines or standing right on the sidewalk just staring at you like it’s trying to explode your head with its mighty brain waves? Well, today is the day where you open your heart just a little bit and allow some squirrely love in so it can chew on some nuts and make mad, panicked dashes away from rustling leaves it considers predators.

Yes, it’s Squirrel Appreciation Day again…or for the first time if you’re just finding out there is a designated day to think about animals that have very little impact on our lives.

Why there is a day for Squirrels is something we’ll never understand. It appears to have been started by a one Christy Hargrove from Asheville, North Carolina on January 21, 2001. Christy is a wildlife rehabilitator. As such, she created a day to celebrate the awesomeness of squirrels. We don’t know why she has such an appreciation for squirrels herself, but we assume at some point in her life she was attacked by a mugger within a dark alley when, suddenly, a mysterious squirrel swooped in and scurried away with the mugger. She followed his trail and found the squirrel behind a trashcan rapidly munching away at the mugger’s head, rotating it around to clean off the fleshy bits. She thanked the squirrel and he ran off in to the night. She then swore to create a day in which the entire squirrel race will be honored for their bravery.

This all brings up the question of why we are even listening to Christy. Who’s she to create these national days? Squirrels suck. Sure, they’re a decent enough little critter to occasionally glance at. It’s always nice to see one in a park. But if the entire squirrel species were eradicated today and not a single squirrel corpse was left behind, it would take me no less than 5 months to notice they were all gone. And when I would eventually notice that all of the various forms of nuts I keep piled in backyard so I can have a form of sustenance in the event that I lock myself out of my home are still there, I will probably only mutter a soft “Sucks for you guys” and move on with my life; no impact will have been made. And there probably wouldn’t even be an impact on the world as a whole. There may be a few hawks out there wondering where those delicious furry things with the bushy tails all went, but even they will quickly move on and find some field mice or possums to devour. It’d be like if your favorite cereal brand stopped production. At first you’d be a little mad, but after a week you’ll discover an off-brand version of the cereal that costs way less and tastes exactly the same. Then you’ll think, “why have I been wasting that extra dollar fifty on that shit in a box when I get the same shit in a four-pound sack at Costco?”

That’s exactly what hawks are going to be thinking! And hawks will be so damn happy because the hawk economy is harsh right now, and when they get an opportunity to save a dollar-fifty in hawk bucks they’ll take it.

So, I guess that thing I’m trying to say here is: F*ck squirrels and their day.