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It Came from the WalMart $5 Bin: Scary or Die

Look at the art on the box for this DVD, how could you not buy it?  It features an evil clown. I couldn’t resist, despite not knowing anything else about the film.  I refused to even read the back.  Shut up and take my $5.

The movie starts with a story called The Crossing, featuring a trio of rednecks in a pickup.  The girl is not really a convincing redneck at all, but the guy with the fake dirty teeth does quote No County for Old Men at some point, so that’s fun.

We set the scene with a quick stop in Stereotype Mexican Border Town where dirty tooth redneck buys Cheetos and red Bull from Speedy Gonzalez and the other redneck who I at first assumed was the girl’s dad bangs her in the bathroom.  She’s a highly freckled brunette and it kind of weirds me out.  Like a lot of freckles.  She should be a ginger.

The rednecks have two guys in the back of their pick up that may be Mexicans.  They take them to the Mexican border and toss out the word beaner in an effort y the filmmakers to ensure you hate these hillbillys because now they’re quoting Carlos Mencia.  Except for Freckles, because she had no idea this was happening.  She’ll live the longest, just you wait.

In like 3 minutes both Mexicans are dead and I am out of Pepsi because I started drinking it well before the movie began.  So far this movie is neither scary nor funny as the clown on the cover lead me to believe, it’s mostly just racist.  Quite unexpectedly however one of the rednecks spills his moonshine and it seems to raise the dead from the soil.  Actually that’s exactly what happened.  What a strange plot twist.

Freckle is bit by a zombie lady and several others are on the loose, fueled entirely by one jar of what I’m pretty sure was Mountain Dew. Mexican zombies, some in sombreros, devour the hillbillys on the spot and I really want another Pepsi.  Also the director needs to be shot for the method in which he instructed his Mexican zombies to walk.  It’s like marionette puppets with sticks in their asses.

As a final insult to Freckles the character and us the audience, she is shot by border officials for no reason.  And now we’re on to a new story.  Narrative structure, you are not wanted here.

Apparently the thing linking the stories in this film is someone surfing a site called Scary or Die.  Get it?  It’s like Funny or Die.  Only Will Ferrell is well out of this film’s budget.  Next story is called Teujung’s Lament.

Racism goes across the ocean here as we meet an Asian man in a bar and vaguely Asian music.  You know that Asian music, that stringed thing they play in every Chinese movie ever?  That thing.  Outside he’s accosted by another Asian.  This is either Korea or Chinatown.

Depressing Asian man buys a single rose from an Asian lady.  All the signage in the background here seems to be English.  We’re not even in Chinatown, we’re just in a neighborhood with 4 Asians.

Back home we see evidence Asian man’s wife is dead and the Asian music continues to play.  My patience wears thin.  I have to drink a Gatorade as nothing else is available.  It’s red Gatorade and I hate it.  Wait, I think I missed something as there was a random lady in his house.  Is that his dead wife?

No time to talk, he’s perving on girls on the escalator trying to look up their skirts.  All extras are Asian, all signs are English.  You’re not fooling me director, this is not Asia.

He mall stalks the girls for a while because this is how lonely Asian men live.  That night he sits in the park checking his cell phone while smoking hot Asian chicks stroll by.  Suddenly a man abducts the one who smiled at him, right there on the street.  Pervo runs to the rescue and gets decked.  He smartly hides his phone in the abductor’s gas tank and then tracks him via GPS on his laptop.  No shit.

The car has been ditched when he finds it.  So much for your plan, Pervo.  But then he sees the dude carrying his potential lady love!  No time for help, just follow.  He catches the dude by the river and bashes his damn head with a rock. The day is saved!

He walks her home and finally recommends police involvement.  She’s an illegal, apparently a recurring theme in this movie, and does not want to see the cops.  But she invites him to a party next week at 1 am, then kisses him.  If this girl spoke English before the film began, I’d be amazed.  Then two new girls show up and drag her away and he’s back home again dreaming of his dead wife.  I think this was filmed in Vancouver, incidentally.  Not Asia.

The pacing of this is suddenly atrocious.  It was leading up to something and then bang, nothing again.  And does he live in Kramer’s apartment from Seinfeld, where is that awful neon light coming from?  No time to worry, we’re off to the party.  Every extra continues to be Asian.

Hot Asian lady is dressed all sexified but then we cut to her lobby and people are dead.  But then like a dozen more scantily clad hot Asians arrive.  This is the best party ever.  Minus the corpses downstairs.

Hey, who’s that in the hall?  It’s Van Goddamn Helsing and hot Asian lady is a vampire.  A vampire who got ether-ragged and dragged to the river to be killed?  Then it fades to black with some screaming.  Yeah…

Next story is a dude driving.  I missed the name, it’s unimportant.  There’s a banging in his trunk.  He gets pulled over and the cop wants to check the trunk and oh, here’ the name.  It’s called Re-Membered.  Then we go back in time. For God’s sake, non-linear storytelling is passé.

Anyway, chubs is naked in a bathroom sawing someone’s arm off.  Oh well, we’re keeping things interesting.  He leaves a note about a job being done and then has a cigar because that’s how some people roll.  You saw a dude to pieces and then smoke a stogie.  What?

An ominous noise sounds as he looks at some kind of weird pendant, so you know some shit is up.  Then he drops a meaty duffel bag in a trunk and he’s off, getting sleepy before the wheel as he has nightmares of that time he sawed a dude to pieces and put him in the trunk, which just happened.

Someone in the trunk is knocking, so he pulls over.  Looks like there’s still a body in a duffel bag back there.  Nothing to see here.  But shit!  Something keeps knocking.  It’s very Edgar Allen Poe.  You read that story, right?  Yeah, so now we’re caught up to the beginning and he gets pulled over by the cop.

Officer Responsible check the trunk and, wait for it, draw the suspense…nothing.  But wasn’t there a hacked up corpse back there?  Oh man, this is wacky!  So he just drives away.  We get a full 75 seconds or so of mysterious music as he drives before he finally pulls over to check the trunk again.  The body is gone and it’s been replaced with the medallion and a sinister note!  Those are the worst!  The note says you can’t kill me and man is it right because when he gets in the car, the dude is sitting next to him!

Or not, he vanishes.   But then he reappears and saws the dude’s head off OMG!  The end.  Ugh.

Oh man, the next one is called Clowned.  This is the clown one!  This better be worth it.  I want to see all kinds of clowny shit going on.

Instead I get beach hijinks.  A kid has to chase a ball under a pier while his older brother lubes up his girlfriend.  So we know where this is going.

Someone’s crying under the pier, so the kid goes to investigate.  How is it the sun cannot permeate any inch of this pier?  This shit is dark.  What’s going on?  Who knows it it’s a false scare and the kid is fine but there is a missing child sign right there.  SOMETHING IS AFOOT!  Also older brother is a drug dealer.  But he will not accept checks.  I am not making this up.

Story development is attempting to take place but I just want my damn clown.  He sells drugs to what appears to be Van Helsing down by the Ferris wheel, it’s the same ugly car.  Then he oversleeps and misses his little brother’s party.  His task now is to pay the clown.  Oh man there’s a clown.  And he’s an asshole raiding their fridge.  Drug dealer mouths off to him and kicks him out but the clown bites him.  For real, that happened.

His girlfriend informs him that being bit by a clown is not normal and who knows what diseases he has.  In point of fact, clowns have all disease.  Gross bastards.  Anyway, they have sex.  Next day he walks like he only has one leg.  And he’s…hungry.  Girlfriend offers animal crackers.  Really?

Some junkies show up and he gives them drugs then vomits on them.  Ha!  Back home the police want to talk to him since a kid went missing at the party.  Hey, one of the cops is the guy who got his head sawed off in the last story.  What a fun treat for the audience.  Also, it’s a day later, why has no one taken the birthday decorations down?

Junkie uwraps his clown bite and it’s infected with CGI.  Plus his skin is turning white.  Ladies and gentleman, I am calling this a wereclown incident.  This story is everything I hoped for.

Late at night, junkie goes and checks on his little brother because he’s spooky and shit now.  Or did he?  He didn’t.  It was a lame clown nightmare.  I think he had  pumpkin.  Or maybe his ball from before, I don’t know, I’m not a clownithologist.  But there’s definitely some clowny shit going on.

Next morning he’s covered in patchy clown makeup which be promptly tries to shave off.  Lesson in shaving kids, you cannot shave your skin.  He then bandages an entire half of his face despite cutting off a small chunk of skin and expresses a desire to eat hi brother.  In an attempt to escape he finds his feet are too big for his shows.  He needs clown shoes.  Why he can’t wear his own shirts is a mystery, but he takes one of his mom’s shirts and looks all clowny as he flees from the house.

Next time we see him he’s wrapped in trash bags with a burlap sack on his head as his family searches in vain for him.  The life of a wereclown is a tough one.  Until he decides to return home.  Oh clown, you so crazy.  But instead of eating his brother, he just gives him a ball.  Eh.

The saddest violin music continues to play in the background as we learn his mouth is sealed shut and he needs to slice it open.  Also, he’s a monster clown now.  Like full on monster clown.  Also, and he doesn’t know this, his girlfriend is pregnant.  And they porked after he got bit!  She’s having an evil clown baby!

Wereclown is awoken from a nightmare by people trying to steal his clown shoes.  No really.  So he eats one of them.  This is probably the best movie ever right now.  Back at the homestead he decides to steal his brother.  What?

OMG, it wasn’t drug dealer brother clown, it was the original evil clown the whole time.  But then brother clown shows up kicks some evil clown ass to save his brother.  Then he eats the evil clown.  Oops, that’s not heroic.  His brother is oddly cool with it.  This sad music is really tying the movie together.  I feel for this sad clown monster.  His white afro is the white afro os sadness under which we all toil with our personal demons.

The next scene, with the evil, blood-soaked clown, in broad daylight, standing outside a playground is one of the greatest images in all of cinematic history.  Plus he has on real, red clown shoe snow.  And then he gets shot to death.  The end.  Or is it?!?  There’s a quick joke about the clown baby, then it ends.  Good stuff.

Oh man, there’s another story?  This is the longest damn article ever.  Next story is called Lover Come Back.  It starts with sucktastic narration about love in LA.  Whatevs.  Is there any racism in this one, the whole last story was about a black family and there was no racism.  The beginning of this movie lead me to believe there would be more intolerance.

Two minutes in and I want to turn this story off because the narration is more boring than, well, anything.  Wait, is that lady rubbing her crotch on the street?  I don’t know.

This story seems to be about voodoo.  What a multi-ethnic movie this has turned out to be.  The narration is so awful.  I can’t recount most of it.  It’s about a chick in love, only he turns out to be an asshole and he beats her.  And then he kills her.  So she’s a zombie now, narrating this story in a boring ass way.  It was also very short, so that’s good.  Then it turns out at the end that she’s the one who’s been on the Scary or Die website this whole time because zombies love internet videos.  I knew that.

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