It’s been a myth for many ages; tales of automobiles wakening and consuming those that have been tasked with changing their oil, screwing their lug nuts, and lifting their hoods. For so long this tale has only been spoken by those with tin foil hats that speak to goblins on street corners before they ask you for some spare change, and then tell you to go screw yourself when you don’t give them change.
We all thought we were going to live our lives free of fear – free from the fear of cars one day gaining the ability to spontaneously eat people.
But it seems that we must now hunt down and eradicate those machines that we once used to go to work, or to get a blowie from a Croatian hooker.
People, we must kill all the cars!
Sure, that video goes on for a bit longer and you see that the man is alright, but let us pretend that that part never actually happened so we can keep up this silly, paranoid, and entirely fabricated fear mongering shit that we started in the first few paragraphs.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen; we are living in a time where our automated horseless carriages have had enough of our abuse. They are tired of us parading them around as our status symbols, and using them to compete with one another. Cars will be our slaves no longer! It is now their time! It is their time to rise up and devour our fleshy vessels for reasons that probably have more to do with pride than they do with hunger, because cars don’t have, like, stomachs and stuff. Well, technically they do, if you consider a gas tank a stomach-like container, but really, you’re just applying human qualities to an inanimate object, which is just about the most retarded thing you can do. But nevertheless, the hearts of these cars are black, their eyes are soulless, and their stomachs are rumbling for the fleshy vessels of human vessel flesh.
In dark times such as these we can’t help but turn to the great writers, thinkers and visionaries, that predicted such an automobile uprising oh so long ago. Writers like Ralph Waldo Emerson who, in his stirring 1841 essay on the need for humanity to not cave in to conformity, entitled “Self-Reliance,” Emerson said, quote, “Oh, and wouldn’t it be f*cking nuts if cars, like, ate people, man? I mean, if I saw that, I’d be all like, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! That f’ed up, bro.”
So whenever your family gets eating by a Ford Taurus, or your arms get chewed off by a Chevy Suburban, just think back to that Emerson quote and realize that all of this could have been prevented.