If you look hard enough you can find out that pretty much every day is something day. National Underpants Day, Kiss a Hobo Day, Rub One Out on Luke Perry’s Coat Day and today, October 9th, is Moldy Cheese Day. Did you celebrate yet?!?
Once you get over the thrill of understanding that today is Moldy Cheese Day, you might think “what?” And that would be an apt thought. Who says it’s Moldy Cheese Day? What does Moldy Cheese Day entail? How long has this day been celebrated and who celebrates it?
If you Google Moldy Cheese Day what you’ll find is an abundance of websites that only inform you that October 9th is Moldy Cheese Day. They did what I did, looked up what happens today, saw another site that listed October 9th as Moldy Cheese Day and thought “Oh man,zany!” and they wrote it on their site. But where did that chain start? Does it all just go back to one site that declared, apropos of nothing, that October 9th was Moldy Cheese Day and it spiraled out from there? Is this literally some load of bullshit that a million websites hopped on lie stank on a monkey?
Well screw that. I know Moldy Cheese Day isn’t a real day. Some smartass just said it was and somehow it caught on. No one officially said so because who the hell can officially declare such a thing? Mayor McCheese has no power, he’s just a figurehead, a puppet for Grimace’s underground sex trafficking ring. So let’s ignore that and instead decide right now what to do to celebrate this day because it is going to be a day, dammit. You’re going to celebrate it with your kids or so help me I will burn this car to the ground.
Moldy Cheese Day Celebrations (Traditional)
Traditional Moldy Cheese day celebrations kick off around noon. Families gather together form near and far and our elders, the grandparents and great grandparents, are treated with a special reverence as everyone gathers around to listen to them tell the stories of their first sexual encounters.
The cheese is t be placed in the center of the table for all to gaze upon. Cheesesmiths take great pride in arranging mold cultures in splendid colors and displays, growing them into great, fuzzy blooms. Rich families were known to import cheeses and hire the most skilled cheesesmiths to grow grandiose mold cultures. For President Eisenhower’s first Moldy Cheese Day in Office a team of cheesemiths grew mold in the shape of a dolphin stabbing Hitler with a fork.
Children partake of Moldy Cheese Day games such as Old Man’s Rumpus and Spin the Chimney Sweep’s Tallywhacker. Winners receive treats like small cubes of gouda, salt water candies and vaccines.
Dinner is served early with the order of being served going from oldest to youngest. It is expected at least one dish will be completely unavailable for the youngest of the family as a way for them to learn to deal with disappointment. Favorite dishes include baked trout cakes, rack of venison, fluggentallen, Cornish game hen, eggs Benedict, oat sausage and boysenberry custards for dessert. No dish should include cheese lest the family call bad luck upon themselves and draw the attention of Ol’ Dust Snatch, the devil said to have celebrated the first Moldy Cheese Day.
Moldy Cheese Day Celebrations (Modern)
Arson is committed.