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It’s Not Cool, Dude: 6 Ridiculous Things Inspired by Awesome

Some people think every great idea has already been thought, every story already written and all that’s left is people borrowing, intentionally or otherwise, from the works of others.  And whatever, that seems to make the world work for the most part, especially when you add bacon to something and make it even more awesome.  But thenl you get people who take an idea that was already awesome and make it lame ass.  They suck.

Some people think every great idea has already been thought, every story already written and all that’s left is people borrowing, intentionally or otherwise, from the works of others.  And whatever, that seems to make the world work for the most part, especially when you add bacon to something and make it even more awesome.  But thenl you get people who take an idea that was already awesome and make it lame ass.  They suck.


The Uno

Remember back when the Segway came out and they said no one could fall off of it and then George Bush promptly went ass over tea kettle? Yeah. So this ridiculous thing is basically a unicycle. There’s some kind of gyroscopic anti-matter hyper engine that keeps you firmly in place on this thing apparently, but none of that changes the fact that riding it makes you look like you’re a ninja at the circus in post-apocalyptic Japan.

Hello Kitty Guns

Probably sometime after Sanrio gave someone the OK to make a Hello Kitty vibrator the shit sort of hit the fan and Hello Kitty’s face ended up on just about everything that exists in the 3rd dimension. And while 99% of Hello Kitty items are the girl sorts of things that lend themselves to that, or at least they maintain some kitsch value, there’s something terrifyingly wrong about a Hello Kitty gun. It’s like the physical embodiment of suppressed homosexual rage and its existence makes no sense.

Mace Pepper Gun

There’s a big market for self defense that appeals to women and, ask any man in marketing whose wife sleeps with the pool boy, chicks dig stuff that is pink. Probably furry too. Kittens, shit like that. So a pink self defense item isn’t odd in and of itself. However, pretending to revolutionize the self defense industry by basically making a dollar store squirt gun that’s extra chubby for those uncoordinated little hands that have to use the big pencils is kind of sad.

Butt Implants

For some years it’s been rumored that people are not only getting breast implants, but ass implants. Because they need bigger asses. And 63% of the time a big ass is cool. The rest of the time it’s like eyeballing one of those dominant male orangutans with the big, floppy faces. And at first you think “oh, that’s queer” but the longer you maintain eye contact the more nervous you get that something terrible is about to happen.

Anyway, turns out ass implants is a surgery for men as well. Crestfallen and assfallen men who feel they need a boost in the backdoor for God only knows what purpose. A good rule of thumb, however, is that if you’re looking for a larger, shapelier or more sensuous ass, as this link suggests, you’re a terrible person.

Belt Buckles

Back in the old west, Doc Holliday and John Wayne decided belt buckles were cool. Or some goddamn thing. Listen, no one knows why dudes started wearing belt buckles the size of dinner plates, but for the most part they’re not necessary for the holding up of pants. And now they’ve evolved to requiring batteries and more wit than the kind of person who buys a battery-operated belt buckle can muster.  In fact, some of these beasts may actually cause your drawers to sag a little further under the weight of that preposterous, digital scrolling marquee that states there’s a party beneath. Is that what you want? Of course not.

Lingerie

Far be it from us to suggest lingerie is not needed or wanted in this world. The problem is that, for whatever reason, there’s a small but batshit crazy group of people out there marketing lingerie for men. That’s why men’s thongs exist.

According to scientists at the Boston Institute of Sciencery, there has never been a reason in the history of ever to have a thread of Lycra cradled in your ass crack that attaches to a tiny, ball-suffocating pouch around the other side. If you want to be sexy for your special lady friend, you could invest in some mid-range cologne or do like we do, and simply thump your wang down on her plate during dinner.

10 Responses to "It’s Not Cool, Dude: 6 Ridiculous Things Inspired by Awesome"

  1. Anonymos says:

    I prefer nelly furtado’s ass. for whatever reason i just dont find kim kardashian very attractive.

  2. The good kind of racism says:

    She’s lost her value since she’s been man handled by the “Blacks.”

  3. Vageen says:

    Bahahhahahahah!!!!!!!!

  4. Yeaaaaaaa says:

    Souls aren’t worth that much any more. You know with the recession and all…

  5. bobby says:

    im wat hotter then kim!!!

  6. nerd says:

    Mace in general is ridiculous. It makes it really hard to enjoy sex. :(

  7. Anonymos says:

    nice

  8. Anonymousead says:

    fuck u holy taco

  9. Pee-Pee Pooter says:

    What a coincidence – I’m wearing that same bit of lingerie right now!de

  10. Cali says:

    I really want one of those Hello Kitty guns.