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It’s the End of the World (Again) Bucket List

end of the world

Remember Harold Camping?  Check your Rolodex under “numbnuts.”  Don’t have a Rolodex?  That’s OK, not everyone gets the job perks that we do.  Oh, what’s that?  Am I getting paged on my company-funded pager?  And is this an ice cold Tab cola that I only paid 50 cents for out a machine that’s only two floors down?  Ha ha, yes!  Anyway, Harold Camping is the very rich, very insane man who assured us all that the world would end on May 21st of this year.  The astute among you will notice that it didn’t.  Well, Camping is back and taking another bite of that batshit apple by suggesting that today, October 21st, is the last day of the world.  Yep, it’s Armageddon, kids.  The end is nigh and we’re all doomed if we’re on the toilet when the Rapture comes (or if we’re Jews, which is spiritually the same thing).

If you’re reading this now, the world isn’t over just yet.  We’ll update you later tonight with Luis Prada if that changes.  But between now and then, all kinds of world ending shenanigans could be occurring and that means it’s time to bust out your all-purpose emergency bucket list.  Not the things you want to do before you die, the things you want to do because you know everyone is about to die.  The difference is subtle, but it’s there.  If you don’t have such a list (probably left it with your Rolodex.  God, this is a delicious Tab) feel free to use this handy list, first compiled by the Millerites in 1844 who later burned down their church when the world didn’t end.  Talk about sour grapes.

 

  • Cram Glenn Beck in a suitcase and leave him at a Greyhound station
  • Finally watch Eyes Wide Shit
  • Punch a kangaroo
  • Defecate at an opera
  • Lick 30 tigers
  • Make a Kardashian read a book that doesn’t contain pictures
  • Convince a stranger on Twitter to have sex with you
  • Ride a lion
  • Rob a bank and give all the money to another bank
  • Defeat an Iron Chef in a cooking competition or, failing that, hand to hand combat
  • Travel back in time and fight your parents on their wedding day
  • Vote for a 3rd party candidate
  • Eat all three meals at Taco Bell.  Shit, have a snack, too.
  • Check out a donkey show
  • Sacrifice Guy Fieri to a volcano
  • Take over TLC headquarters in a bloody coup, force them to air 24 solid hours of something that doesn’t suck.
  • See what happens if you shotgun a couple liters of absinthe at an amusement park
  • Run everywhere with scissors
  • Draw a face on your balls and have your sack speak on your behalf for the rest of the day
  • Punch Chris Brown and kick him out of your car
  • Fart in a wetsuit
  • Use a bidet, even if you don’t need to
  • Rub one out on the bus
  • Burn down a DMV
  • Hook George Takei up with your sister
  • Send a dozen pizzas to the Pope.  Ha ha!
  • Hire MC Hammer to play a party, but then when no one shows up, pay him a handful of nickels if he’ll clean your bathroom.  And he will.
  • Watch every episode of TJ Hooker
  • Go to Sears and take all the tags off of the mattress.  Kill any who interfere
  • Forcefeed haggis to a vegan
  • Try rhubarb
  • Like this article on Facebook.  We’re dead anyway, who’s it going to hurt?

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