The Kentucky Derby isn’t just about stupid hats and bourbon drinking contests. It’s also about gambling away your child’s college/dinner money on one of the world’s dumbest animals. But, instead of breaking down the Kentucky Derby with hardcore analysis of favorites, fixed odds and furlongs, I’m just going to pick this year’s winner by analyzing each horse’s name. I’m pretty sure this is how the experts do it.
1. Cool Coal Man
Analysis: Coal miners usually aren’t very fast because they aren’t alive due to some horrific on-the-job explosion. Don’t bet on him.
2. Tale of Ekati
Analysis: Ekati backwards is “ITake.” If you add “Third Place” it spells out “ITake Third Place.” Bet on him to come in third.
3. Anak Nakal
Analysis: I came down with a pretty bad case of Anak Nakal after a trip to Thailand. (It still burns when I pee.) Don’t bet on him.
4. Court Vision
Analysis: Court vision is good for point guards and lawyers. If this horse played for the Bulls or had a law degree I would bet on him. He doesn’t, so don’t.
5. Eight Belles
Analysis: Have you ever talked to one of those old-fashioned southern belles for more than two minutes? It’s all cotillion this and you-can’t-have-sex-with-me that. One is bad enough. Eight is just suicide. No bets for this belle.
6. Z Fortune
Analysis: Z Fortune is for Z Losers. Don’t bet Z farm.
7. Big Truck
Analysis: Big Trucks reminds me of that big fat Robert “Tractor” Traylor. There are only two things fat people are fast at: eating and sweating. And since this is a horse race and not a sweating while eating contest, I say no to this one.
Analysis: This sounds like some new-age douchebag who’s into “concepts” and “patchoulie” and “not flushing his urine.” I hate you. No bets for you.
Analysis: Burning things is pretty cool. Bet him to come in second.
10. Colonel John
Analysis: Let’s get one thing straight, there’s only one Colonel I will ever recognize and that’s Colonel Sanders. Talk to me once you get your hands on a secret mixture of 11 delicious herbs and spices. Until then, get out of my face you imposter.
11. Z Humor
Analysis: This one sounds a little too much like this article. I strongly recommend not betting.
12. Smooth Air
Analysis: This name sounds like a combination of Michael Jordan and some awesome ’80′s R&B star. He would have songs like “Let Me Jam It In You, Girl” and “I’ll Need More Than Three Seconds In Your Lane.” And while this is awesome, he’s still only going to come in fourth. Bet him for your superfecta.
13. Bob Black Jack
Analysis: People with three names are rarely winners. Philip Michael Thomas, Jan Michael Vincent, Soleil Moon Frye, Lee Harvey Oswald, Andrew Dice Clay…the list goes on and on. Pick a name and stick to it. No bet bet bets.
Analysis: Monba sounds like some crappy reggae band that plays college parties and has fat, unwashed white fans who wear Bela Fleck and the Flecktones T-shirts. I hate that band. Don’t bet.
Analysis: Hmmm, sounds Italian. And since all Italian people are weighed down by pasta and knuckle hair there’s little chance this one will win. Don’t bet.
16. Denis of Cork
Analysis: Once on a trip to Ireland I was told that the girls from Cork were easy. I went to Cork and found that rumor to not be true. And I’m still bitter. No McBets on this one.
17. Cowboy Cal
Analysis: Cowboys ride horses. We have a winner.
18. Recapture The Glory
Analysis: Whenever someone tries to recapture the glory they end up making Rocky Balboa or signing with the Washington Wizards. Do not bet.
Analysis: Gay ego, huh. I will refrain from making any “back stretch” or “enormous horse cock” jokes and just say don’t bet.
20. Big Brown
Analysis: I took a big brown this morning, but it didn’t look like it was moving too fast. Don’t bet on him.
So there we have it. The sure-fire finish to Saturday’s Kentucky Derby is:
Win – Cowboy Cal
Place – Pyro
Show – Tale of Ekati
4th – Smooth Air
With this highly scientific analysis, you can see that there’s no way you could go wrong. Enjoy your winnings!