What do you mean, the meal’s not free? For weeks, you people have been advertising that Vets eat free on Veterans Day. Today is November 11th, is it not? Right, and November 11th is Veterans Day, is it not? Well then, what seems to be the problem? You need proof I’m a Vet? Listen, lady; like I told you before, I’m in deep cover. Do you think I’m just going to walk around with my real ID? Now, if you call this number, and ask to speak to Chloe O’Brian at CTU, she can verify my status. What do you mean, what’s CTU? Let me speak to your manager. Yeah, I’ll wait.
Are you the manager? Good, cause I want answers, and I want them now. First off, who are you working for, damn it? Right, that makes sense, since this is an Applebees. Second, I was under the impression that the whole menu was free to Vets? Why didn’t you mention that it was a limited menu in your ads? “Cost prohibitive” my ass! You’re about five seconds away from getting your throat splattered all over those mozzarella sticks, so I better like your answer to this next question. Why is your waitress giving me sh*t about my status as a veteran?
I know I don’t have my ID, but I don’t give a good god damn! Rules? How dare you lecture me. In my line of work, there are no rules! I’ve seen things that would make your eyes melt, and you’re going to sit here and deny me my free Oriental Chicken Salad? That’s right, I didn’t even get the steak. I got the Oriental Chicken Salad! Do you know why? Because I spent two years being tortured in a secret Chinese prison, and I got hooked on the stuff. I didn’t complain when my own government left me to rot in that cell, but I’m sure as shit going to complain if you don’t cover this god damn bill!
No, I will not calm down! Damn it, there’s no time! I’ve given everything to this country, and all I want in return is a free meal! I watched my wife die before my eyes. My best friend was murdered because of me, although he did end up coming back to life! I myself died and came back to life! I killed my own brother. I lived through several nuclear explosions! I’m a recovering heroin addict! I’ve watched presidents get assassinated, and later tortured their predecessors! Every girl friend I’ve had since my wife passed away is dead or in a coma. And the last one had a great rack! Do you know what it’s like to watch a redhead with huge cans get picked off by a sniper? Then where do you get off telling me a god damn thing?
I should have known this would happen. Why did I think this time would be different? Every time I let my guard down, I get betrayed. First, my mistress turns out to be double agent. Then, my daughter blames me for her mom’s death and won’t speak to me. The President of the United States sold me out to the Chinese, and then another president secured my release, only to turn me over to some Muslim extremists. My own father tried to kill me. When I tried to walk away and live my life in peace, they dragged me before congress and accused me of breaking the Geneva Convention. And now, to top it all off, I don’t qualify for a veteran’s discount on Veterans Day. Typical.
I watched Bill Buchanan, David Palmer, George Mason, Michelle Dessler, Curtis Manning, and that fat guy with the lisp die for this country. I’m beginning to think that they were the lucky ones. If they could see the way your restaurant is treating a patriot like me, they’d question if their sacrifice was worth it. I know Applebees is run by much smarter men than me. And in the end, your rules have to be more important than one angry vet. I know that’s right. In my mind, I know that’s right. I just don’t think my heart can live with it. I’m going rouge…and I’m going to Chili’s.